Bitch, I Will Cut You

I will not fight over a boyfriend. I will not argue with you. I will not show up at your job and cuss you out in front of your boss over a man who is not my husband. I will, however, choke slam a ho as soon as the ink on my marriage certificate dries. Please believe Mr. Cindasmommy will feel my wrath as well, but I know how to handle that shit at the crib. I will publicly make an example out of any broad who even toes the line of disrespecting my marriage vows. I will stop her fucking heart. Make no mistake, you will rue the day that you decided that it was appropriate for you to participate in activites that are a detriment to my marital bliss. Single women don’t understand. They try to come with lines like “You should be taking care of home.” I’ll show you how I take care of home, bitch. I will fucking show you.

I have no problem with platonic relationships between men and women. I am a woman who enjoys sports way too much to not recognize that there is a possibility that a friendship based solely on the home team can exist. What I do not recognize is some women’s desire to implant themselves in situations that are clearly bordering on disrespectful. Perhaps single women are just unaware of what is okay and what isn’t, so to keep you hoes from getting stabbed by your “boy’s” wife, I’ll help you out.

Keep a 2 foot distance Do not…I REPEAT…do NOT get too close to someone else’s husband. You don’t need to touch him at all. A quick hug…don’t linger bitch. Perhaps some dap is more appropriate. But if y’all are sitting next to each other and you lean in one too many times for a private moment (and by one too many, I mean once), Mrs. might be liable to believe you’re sharing secrets and the only secrets a husband should have is with his wife. Seriously though, keep your hands off. You won’t accidentally end up sleeping with a married man if you remember to keep a two foot distance between you and someone else’s husband. If you’re not sure, carry around a ruler.

9 PM – 9 AM Remember these hours. They are important. If you look at the clock and it is between these hours, DO NOT CALL!!! Whatever you have to say can wait until morning. There is absolutely nothing you have to say to someone else’s husband after 9 PM. If it’s an emergency, call 911. If it can’t wait, call someone else. Don’t think you’re slick by texting it either. If you think you’ll forget, type it in your phone, then text it at 9:02 AM. If you really think someone else’s husband needs to hear what you have to say during this 12 hours I’ve already told you is off limits, call his wife and tell her and then she’ll relay the message. Otherwise, get some new single male friends who don’t have wives that will cut your ass for trying to communicate with their husbands during Bitch Don’t Call My House hours.

Saving Yo Ho Ass You have a flat tire. There’s a mouse in your house. Your computer has a virus. You need to call AAA, Orkin, and Geek Squad, respectively. If you’re unable to google or youtube solutions to your problem, then your independent ass should have thought about that before you decided you didn’t need no man to help you. If between the proposal and the wedding you didn’t find yourself another Captain Saveaho, you need to file that under things that are Your Bad. He has a wife and a home to take care of, and you are no longer a priority. Find someone else to get you out of your sticky situations because someone else’s husband is busy being someone else’s husband. Get your own, bitch.

If I need to ask my best friend’s husband a question, I ask her to tell him, then I talk to his ass on speaker phone. When I visited their home for the weekend, I had to purchase new pajamas because no one needs to see the bottom of my ass hanging out of my shorts. I keep our twitter/facebook exchanges to a minimum and not because she has anything to worry about. I respect the sanctity of marriage and our friendship and if she is going to be mad at me about anything, it’s gonna be because I stretched out her shoes with my big ass feet, not because I toed the marriage line. This bitch named Alejandra used to call my house just a little too much, and by my house I meant my ex-husband’s cell phone and by too much I mean more than once a week. They didn’t have that much to talk about so after she continued to call after I politely asked her ass to keep it to a minimum, I politely threatened her with bodily harm that I fully intended to carry out after she called one more time too many. I’m not married anymore, but I will let you broken home hoes know this right now, if I ever get married again and you implant your self where it doesn’t need to be implanted…Bitch, I will cut you.

A Letter to a Woman I Haven’t Met Yet

Dear Future Mother-in-law,

I wasn’t too fond of my last one, so let’s get some things out the way right here and right now. The last time I got married, I expected to have to deal with HER for the rest of my (or her) life. Unfortunately, I still do, because of my daughter, but it’s in a much more diminished capacity since the divorce was finalized (May 18, 2010 – thank you, Jesus). I’m not getting married a third time, so since you’re gonna be stuck with me, we may as well make this thing work.

I already have a mother. I was raised by her and although we don’t always get along, she is mine. I don’t need another and you’ll never replace or even compare to her. I’ll never be your daughter because I’m hers. Our relationship will never equal the one I have with my mother, but I don’t want it to and you shouldn’t either. Yes, we can go shopping together. Sure, I’ll meet you for lunch. Of course that spa appointment is still on. But I want my mother to be the one holding my hand if your son happens to knock me up and I go into labor in Target. I’m not saying we can’t share precious moments because I want to have a relationship with you, but when I think of the most important times in my life, the person who’s always been by my side is my mommy. She’s got 31 1/2 years of being my mother under her belt.

I love your son. At some point during the course of our marriage, I will despise every fiber of his being. Hopefully, those times will be minimal and fleeting, but what this means to you is mind your business!!! We’re not competing for his love, there are things I can do that you can’t because it would not only be disgusting and incestuous, but illegal in almost all 50 states. I can’t be the one who held him all night when he was four and had a fever that wouldn’t break; that was your job. I have the job of taking care of him now. The way I love my mom is the way he loves you, but please don’t make him choose sides. The first time he chooses yours is the day he’ll be packing his stuff and moving back into your house. He and I are a team, it’s ok for you to retire. Don’t worry though, I’m pretty sure you’ve already made it to the Hall of Fame and I’ll make sure that’s never forgotten.

You’ve never known me as a child. I was grown when we met, so although you’ve known your son since birth, you don’t have a right to talk to me like I’m a kid. I respect you for raising a man wonderful enough for me to vow to spend the rest of my life with. Respect me because he thinks I’m wonderful enough to spend the rest of his life with. I appreciate all the wisdom that comes with your experiences, but please don’t be offended if I don’t accept your unsolicited advice…my friends don’t, and neither should you.

I know we haven’t met yet…and since this letter is to an imaginary future mother-in-law, I haven’t met your son yet, either. But what I do know is that I already had mother-in-law beef, and I’m just not willing to do that nonsense again. You’ll get Mother’s Day gifts from me, we’ll spend alternating holidays with you, and nothing but the best nursing home will do when you start calling me his ex-girlfriend’s name…you know, the one you had to console on my wedding day when she couldn’t compose herself (oh, wait that happened already – can’t happen again, can it?) So, Future Mother-in-law, as long as you know where we stand, I think it might be time to go looking for your son.

Love Forever,

Your Future Daughter-in-law

Urban Legends

Once upon a time, every problem in a sitcom relationship was solved before the half hour episode was over. Cliff apologized to Claire. Martin got a kiss and his ears groped by Gina. Fancy giggled at Jamie’s antics and attributed his buffoonery to “Jamie being Jamie”. Fortunately, shows like Girlfriends and The Game showcase relationships slightly more realistically. Thirty minutes isn’t nearly enough time to fix Jill’s hurt feelings after Tim made fun of her snoring on “Tool Time”. (Although Jill probably should have gotten over it since she blew out Tim’s engine because she didn’t recognize the “check engine” light meant check the flippin’ engine). The same way life doesn’t work the way it does on television, some of the things we believe about relationships don’t work either. Here are some common myths that just don’t cut it:

Having a baby saves everything This is the single most foolish thing I’ve ever heard of, and in this day and age, people STILL believe it will work. If your relationship is on shaky ground, shitty diapers and projectile vomit won’t be fixing much, now will it? Bringing a life into this world to prove your commitment to each other is about as dumb as (I’ve been sitting here for 20 minutes trying to think of something as equally dumb as having a baby to keep a man and I have yet to come up with anything remotely close). Raising a child together requires more than just the 30 seconds it took to make one. If you want him to marry you, having his child isn’t going to get you an engagement ring. Teething ring, perhaps but no diamonds. From what I’ve gathered, many men don’t equate doing the right thing to marrying the mother of their child(ren). In some cases, the baby happens to come before the marriage, and the marriage works out but this is not the norm. There wouldn’t be so many single parents if life worked out that way. The only guarantee of having a kid with someone is that your child will have half of his DNA and half of yours. Children are not weapons in your little Love War, so unless the two of you are committed to each other 100%, invest in some birth control.

Love is all you need You’re joking, right? Marriage is a business contract between two people who love each other and have decided to devote the rest of their lives to one another. You need a license to get married and a judge to end it. Sounds like a legal transaction to me. Yeah there are other things involved, but you can have a commitment without a marriage license. Many people go into marriage without the clear understanding that love can’t fix everything. Being in love is a chemical imbalance…yeah I said it! All those butterflies and palpitations you felt when you were dating are from completely different reasons after marriage. Where will we live? How will we raise the kids? Can we afford to take this trip? The superficial “in love” is replaced by a much deeper love that stems from mutual respect, friendship and understanding so if all you have to go on is “he gives me goosebumps,” the cute way he chews his French toast is gonna piss you off a few years down the road. Getting married for love only isn’t enough, because it takes a lot more than love to make a marriage work. One would assume you’re together because you love each other and you haven’t married every man you’ve loved so there must be something more to it. As much as I loved my ex-husband, it wasn’t enough to hold together our marriage. I couldn’t trust him to do anything (and I mean things like trust him to not leave the backdoor wide open all night long). Love is only one piece of the 1000 piece marriage puzzle, so if that’s all you’ve got to go on, you might wanna wait until you’ve figured out where some of the other pieces fit.

Steve Harvey Are you really about to follow the advice of a man who wore a wig and twenty button suits? For real, son?!? Never mind the fact that he’s been married five times (ok, so maybe he likes the way women look in veils and white dresses), when did STEVE HARVEY become a relationship guru? Ok, here I am, the pot calling the kettle black since I spend a lot of time dishing out advice. What I do, though, is offer my humble opinion based on my experience and present it as such. Nothing I’ve ever said is a steadfast rule, only wisdom I’ve gained from my own failures and successes. I would NEVER say that what works for me will work for every single woman on the planet, so I find it very concerning when a man gives a woman rules on how to get a man. Women shouldn’t have to alter their thinking to get a man. A guy I know said something that made a lot of sense…he asked if I ever wondered why there isn’t a similar book like Steve Harvey’s geared toward men. There might be, but I can guarantee it didn’t make New York Times bestseller list. Why? Because men don’t need anyone telling them how to think and neither do you! Advice isn’t, and should never be, a steadfast rule. I say this all the time, if you want to know what’s going on with your mate: ASK THEM!!!! Remember that episode of The Boondocks when Grandpa was dating the chick who was getting ridiculous advice from her crazy friend and blew herself up in the end? Add it to your “must watch” list, throw away that Steve Harvey book and when you have a question about someone, ASK THEM!!!!

We have a bad habit of trying to apply TV logic to real life and it NEVER works. Ever! There’s a show on The Discovery Channel called Mythbusters that proves many urban legends to be fallacious, created by Hollywood to make us believe that we live in a cool place where solutions are no more than two hours away. We believe in Dr. Phil and Steve Harvey because they’re famous and famous people MUST know what they’re talking about. They don’t…but you do. Listen to yourself, your mind, your heart, your mate. The day you believe the Urban Legends is the day you’re doomed…Temple of Doom.

From Sex Buddy to Husband: The Road to Holy Matrimony

Ok, the title is a bit misleading. I DO NOT have a road map leading one from bed buddy to wife with easy to follow directions. A friend asked me to explain, in my foolish manner, the difference between sex buddy, husband and all those titles in between and because I have nothing better to do this summer, I take requests. I’ve had a booty call, bed buddy, boo, boyfriend, fiancé, AND a husband and I’ll attempt to explain the difference among them all.

Booty Call He/you calls, he/you gets booty, he leaves/you go home. There is nothing more. Y’all don’t hang out. Y’all don’t have deep conversations on the phone. He/you calls at obscene hours of the night. The text messages you exchange are explicit and are generally sent after a night of drinking. He is not your man and will probably never EVER be! He is a booty call. That is it!!! Don’t confuse him with a Never Wanna Do Nothing because he does wanna do something: YOU! You are NOT a hoe if you have a Booty Call. So many people want to define other people’s sexuality but if you’re comfortable with the nature of your sex-only relationship with the Booty Call, do yourself a favor and keep this one to yourself. People don’t mean to be judgmental (yes they do) and tend to impose their own idiosyncrasies about sex upon others. As long as you protect yourself against unwanted pregnancy, STDs, and errant emotions, have fun because it’s no one’s business but yours and his. My opinion: GET LAID!!! Just remember to keep it simple, stupid. It’s about sex. Only about sex. About nothing more than sex.

Bed Buddy The difference between a Booty Call and a Bed Buddy is the nature of your relationship outside of the bedroom. This one is probably the most difficult to maintain. It involves combining a sexual relationship AND some sort of public interaction. You may be friends, coworkers, classmates but one thing you are not is a couple. You don’t go on dates and your social interaction is limited to group events. Bed Buddies should also be kept a secret which means whatever your relationship looked like publicly before y’all started boning should be what it continues to look like. While Bed Buddies are more likely to turn into something more than Booty Calls are, don’t expect it and don’t pretend you can handle him going on actual dates with women he is actually interested in. If you want more, your best bet is to a) tell him as soon as you “catch feelings”, b) don’t be upset if he doesn’t feel the same way about you and c) STOP SLEEPING WITH HIM!!!! Remember that you’re the one who has changed the rules so you can’t beat yourself (or him) up over the fact that he may not want to play the same game that you want to play. If he does want to play, then your Bed Buddy may turn into your….

Boo Ah…the Boo. This is the step right before Boyfriend (and I am NOT saying that every Boo will eventually become your Boyfriend). He is your go-to guy for social events, you have met his friends and family, you’re allowed to touch both the remote AND the radio in his car. He’s ok with PDA and you are widely recognized as the woman he’s seeing. So you’re his girlfriend, right? WRONG!!! Exclusivity and monogamy are the two things standing in the way and until you’ve had the “I’m not seeing anyone else but you” talk: HE IS NOT YOUR MAN!!!! That needs to be repeated: HE IS NOT YOUR MAN!!!! Everything that quacks is not a duck, it could be a chicken who was raised by a duck. Don’t assume that he is your Boyfriend because he does boyfriend-stuff. You’ll find yourself spending two years with a man who ends up marrying that girl he met at the barber shop. It’s very difficult for some women to NOT be exclusive with a man, but if he hasn’t made any commitments to you, don’t feel obligated to make any to him. Boos are great to have, but don’t turn down a date with the cutie at the gym because you think your Boo might get mad. Who cares if he gets mad?!?! He ain’t yo man!! Keep him on his toes, because if he thinks you’re not going anywhere, he’s not going to do much to keep you around. My advice with a Boo is to make sure you’re at the same priority level that he places you. If he makes plans on Saturday nights, then keep yourself occupied as well. You don’t have to actually go out or even lie to him about going out, but don’t sit around waiting on him. Commitment should be a mutual decision and if you’re waiting on him to be ready, chances are he’s not only NOT ready, but you just may not be the one he wants to commit to. He shouldn’t settle for you and you sure as hell shouldn’t settle for being settled on. It is possible, however, to turn a Boo into a….

Boyfriend You’ve made it!! You’ve met a guy, you’ve fallen in love, he’s not trying to screw your friends, he’s NOT dating other people. He’s YOUR Boyfriend! Now how on earth do you keep him? Same way that you got him, perhaps. I’ve already explained how visual and sexual men are so don’t think you can wear stilettos and give him head while driving on Lake Shore Drive while you’re dating then switch to flip flops and hand jobs while watching Real Housewives of **insert major city** once he’s become your Boyfriend. It also doesn’t mean he can stop doing the fun exciting things that won YOUR heart either. Expecting things to be exactly the same as they were when you were dating is foolish, life doesn’t work that way. Your connection is deeper than the shallow nature of dating, so act accordingly. Discuss your needs and make sure you’re discussing needs and not wants based on other people’s relationships. Most importantly, don’t turn a Boyfriend into a Husband. Those men are two totally different people. His parents are not your in-laws (notice the use of the word “law” which applies to the legal nature of an actual marriage). Mingling money is tricky (have you seen Judge Mathis?) and so is cohabitation and parenting if you choose to have a child(ren) out of wedlock. For some, this is the final stage of a relationship and marriage is not necessary. My only advice is that if marriage is what you want, you probably shouldn’t act like his wife until you actually are, which leads to the…

Husband You’ve stood before God and your friends and family and vowed to spend the rest of your life with him. Marriage is hard. Very hard. You’ve made the decision to not only spend, but blend your life with someone else’s and that’s exactly what you’re doing: BLENDING! It’s not about you, singular; it’s about you, plural. A marriage can ONLY be successful when BOTH husband and wife understand that although they are still individuals, they have committed to become one. Anyone who knows me, or has read my blog, knows that the end of my marriage was beyond my control, but I was always fully committed to my husband until it was impossible to do so. The Husband is the only person on this earth (besides your children) who deserves 100% of you and he should be giving you the same. When that number decreases (or is perceived to decrease) many people want to get out. Some cheat, some become distant, others head straight to an attorney. What is so special about marriage is that the only people who can solve the problems in a marriage is a Husband and Wife. Seeking outside advice should be mutual, because remember, you’re now acting as ONE. Many women forget this and try to repair the relationship alone, which may be okay with a Boyfriend, Boo or Bed Buddy but NEVER with a Husband. Husbands are hard work, so before you ask for one, be prepared to have one.

Relationships are not one size fits all, so please don’t use what I say as Mapquest. I’ve had a Booty Call, a Husband and everything in between. I’ve learned valuable lessons from every experience I’ve had and I figure it would be selfish of me not to share what I’ve discovered. Hopefully, if you were confused about where you stood with HIM, you’re clear now. Good luck!