STFU and MYOB

People don’t know when to mind their own business. Unsolicited advice, uninformed opinions and the ability to leave comments leaves you with a shitload of experts who think that reading Wikipedia that one time gives them a PhD in Other People’s Lifesioligy.  I’ve devised a simple test to let you know if you should have an opinion on a particular topic. If the answer to any of these questions is no, then you should probably STFU and MYOB.

Hair
1) Did it grow from your scalp?
2) Is it on the head of your offspring?
3) Did anybody ask you?

Vaginas
1) Does the vagina belong to you?
2) Have you been given permission by the vagina owner to insert your penis?
3) Did anybody ask you?

Spanking
1) Is the child bleeding?
2) Are there any broken bones?
3) Did anybody ask you?

Relationships
1) Are you a member of the relationship?
2) Have you earned some type of certification awarded by an accredited organization granting you the authorization to dispense advice?
3) Did anybody ask you?

Body Weight
1) Is it your body?
2) Have you earned some type of certification awarded by an accredited organization granting you the authorization to dispense advice?
3) Did anybody ask you?

Money
1) Does it belong to you?
2) Is it owed to you?
3) Did anybody ask you?

If you have answered any of these questions about any of these topics negatively and you still feel the need to dispense advice, you’re beyond saving. God help us all.

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Words To Live By: The Jay-Z Edition

Jigga is my nigga. Since 1996, I’ve wanted to meet him but not on some groupie shit. I wanted to be his little sister, his protege (I always say if I knew how to make words rhyme, I’d be a rapper). In my opinion, Shawn Corey Carter is the best rapper alive and I’m not about to argue with a soul about that. Wanna know why? Jay-Z told me not to. As a matter of fact, Jay-Z has provided, through song, a plethora of very good advice that I’ve incorporated into my daily life. Here are my (his) words to live by:

“I got 99 problem but a bitch ain’t one”
99 Problems, The Black Album, 2004

Quite often, I ask a friend of mine “How many problems do I have?” to which she replies “99”. I then ask her how many are a bitch. Her response: Not a nam one. I’ve gone through a bunch of bullshit in my life…not as much as some, but enough…to not sweat the little shit, little shit being when someone decides they don’t like something I say or do or me in general for that matter. I don’t expect everyone to like me. I don’t care if you do or don’t. I’m not saying I live my life pissing people off and leaving angry masses wherever I go; I just can’t put that much attention on bitches…which I use to describe anyone displaying bitch-like behavior such as rolling their eyes, not saying hello, or other juvenile exhibitions of “I don’t like that broad.” Chances are, I don’t like you either, but with maturity and Jigga on my side, I’m not exerting as much energy disliking you as much as you do disliking me. I have 99 problems. You’re not important enough to be one of them.

“A wise man told me don’t argue with fools. Cause people from a distance can’t tell who is who.”

Takeover, The Blueprint, 2001

I have a big mouth and a bunch of opinions. I say what I want, almost whenever I want and I used to waste my time arguing with people about my views. It took a long time for me to realize shutting the fuck up was way more powerful than proving some idiot wrong. I drop a one liner, nod my head in feigned agreement, then walk away with the satisfaction of knowing I didn’t waste my time proving a point not meant to be proven. I used to get my rocks off by participating in active and fervent disagreements but I’m getting too old for that shit. I don’t mind sharing my views and opinions, but I’m not about to make you agree with me. In this day and age, it’s way too easy to consult Google so I don’t argue reasearchable shit either. I will engage in an intelligent discussion of opposing views, but when things gets heated…nah, son…I’m backing off. You can look stupid by your damn self.

“I know I contradicted myself, look I don’t need that now.”

Feelin’ It, Reasonable Doubt, 1996

I am not the same person I was in 2000. Hell, I’m not even the same person I was a month ago. I’m at my finest every single day. The only thing that changes is my definition of fine so if you think you’ve caught me in a contradiction well good for you. I’m glad you’re paying attention. I’m a dynamic little mofo; I spend a great deal of time trying to become a better me than I was the day before so if I’ve said or believed yesterday something that contradicts what I say or believe today, it’s because I’ve grown. Once upon a time, I would NEVER date a man with kids and was repulsed by the thought of it. Now days, since I have a kid of my own, I don’t mind so much. Don’t expect me to get all excited just because he pays child support, but having a kid doesn’t automatically disqualify a man like it did in 2001.

I could go on and on and on and on…E. Badu. Jay-Z has not only provided me with words of wisdom, but snappy retorts as well, dig a hole being one of my favorites. Actually, most of my life is based on musical geniuses: Lauryn Hill, Nina Simone, Stevie Wonder, Common (Why do I need id to get id? If I had id I wouldn’t need id) and a host of other artists who inspire me with their supreme lyrics. Without Jay-Z, I’d be arguing with a crazy bitch about some shit I said that I decided to change my mind about. Because of his infinite knowledge, I’m a much better woman.

“I sell ice in the winter, sell fire in hell/I am a hustler baby, I sell water to a well”

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