How to Remain Unemployed

I have officially retired from teaching and begun my career in Human Resources. Specifically, I recruit software consultants for a very large and well known organization. I am literally giving away jobs. Literally. Giving away jobs just might be the hardest thing I’ve ever done, though, because it seems that some folks are intentionally contributing to the unemployment rate. I’m beginning to think that people don’t really want jobs, they just want to show that they’re looking and then go home and play X-Box all day. I’m in the business of helping people be the best them that they can possibly be, so I’ve compiled a list of surefire ways to make sure you never have to stop playing Call of Duty. Ever.

1. Cancel job interviews If you don’t want to work, cancel your interview. You can reschedule, but there is nothing like canceling at the last minute. This says to future employers “I know you want me to come to work everyday, but I’m going to figure out a way to get out of it twenty minutes before it’s time for me to come in.”

2. Have janky ass phone etiquette Full voicemail box. Caller tunes. An entire Trey Songz/Trinidad James/Taylor Swift song as your outgoing message. Disconnected number. Community cell phone that your bad ass kids answer. You get the picture.

3. Dress like a teenager Get your interview suit from the junior department. Make sure it is short, tight, and revealing. If you are a man, make sure there are sparkles on the pockets of your button down shirt…wait, don’t wear a button down shirt. Dressing up for interviews is for chumps. Just keep on the outfit you wore to the club the night before.

4. Make your resume a clusterfuck of nonsense There is nothing an interviewer hates more than knowing that your hobbies are fantasy football, video games, and reading so make sure you include stuff like that. We also abhor your use of fonts like Comic Sans and Papyrus. Bad grammar and misspellings are also great ways to make sure you never have to give up your seat on the couch.

5. Reveal personal information Live at home with your mom? Tell me all about it! Hate your former boss? I need to know these things!! Miss my scheduled call because you were out running errands? That’s EXACTLY what I want to know!!!

6. Lie Sure, I can do everything that is listed on my resume…now what was it that I said I could do?

There are countless other ways you can do your part to make sure the unemployment rate NEVER goes down. Don’t stop believing. I know you can do it!!

B.O.B.

I ain’t got no job. I am unemployed and about to embark upon a new career completely different than the educator I set out to be 13 years ago. That part of my life has run it’s course and now I get to start over. My income has decreased drastically, but unfortunately, my affinity for shit I can barely afford hasn’t. I’ve often been accused of having foie gras taste with a French toast budget…which will pretty soon be a french fry budget. I decided to put myself on a strict spending plan. No more extravagant shopping sprees in Target. No more rounds on me. No more courtside seats. Then I thought a little harder…I’m way too smart to have to limit my lifestyle just because my funds are limited. Nope! I devised an even better plan I like to call B.O.B or Ballin’ on a Budget. It’s infallible.

Do stuff for people My hair dresser never has time to do anything! Pretty soon, I won’t be able to afford to get my hair done weekly…I am not opposed to pimping myself out for a hairdo and running ALL of her errands. Not opposed AT ALL. People who need things always have their hand out, but are quick to say no when a favor is asked of them. Needy mofos need to be willing and able and being unavailable is a surefire way to have NO ONE help you out when you’re in need (shut the fuck up, getting my hair done IS a necessity!) What helps is being good at shit and I am really good at lots of different shit and in order to maintain my ballin’ ass lifestyle, looks like I’m gonna have to put my talents to good use.

Groupon/Living Social/Old fashioned paper coupons Last week, my friends and I sat on the beach, had lunch and drinks, and jet skied. Ballin’ ass shit, right?! Cost: $55/person. My day was even cheaper since I was able to convince 3 of my friends to also purchase the Living Social Deal. Recently, a friend on twitter tweeted that a chick he knew would be upset if her date paid for dinner with a Groupon. Stay away from her. She’s a future broke bitch. I took Cinda to the movies for $9. Total. Shout out once again to Living Social. Pretty soon, I’m gonna come up with a way to get everything I need and want using some sort of discount. If all I have to do is take online surveys to get points for free gift cards, then dammit I strongly agree. I will continue to ball outta control…especially if there’s a Groupon.

Make friends in high places I had a bowling party for my birthday…about 15 people bowled for 3 hours on two lanes. My cost? $112.50 Actual cost? $297 Guess who got chummy with the guys at the counter? Me!!! They thought I was super and when it came time to pay, they kept hitting the discount button until they hit rock bottom. Being nice to people who work at places where you spend your money pays off. They tell you when stuff goes on sale, give you discounts when you “forgot” your coupon at home, and let you know when they get a new shipment. Some of the good ones even hide the last one in your size until the sale begins. Throwing your money around and acting like you’re the shit won’t win you any fans in the retail world. Please, thank you and compliments work wonders. Remembering names is a plus, as well. My upsized caramel macchiato with free soy at Starbucks is a perk for being the bomb to my barista. Sure, the customer is always right, but it pays to not be a dick about it.

I don’t believe in making lack of money my limitation. Sure, I won’t be able to jet off to Miami on a whim or brunch whenever I fancy, but I won’t be sitting at home crying about not being able to do anything either. I may have to keep my car parked and take public transportation, but my legs are gonna look like a track stars. Not having a lot of money doesn’t mean I have to be poor. It just means I have to spend the money that I do have wisely.

That is all.

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