Bitch, I Will Cut You

I will not fight over a boyfriend. I will not argue with you. I will not show up at your job and cuss you out in front of your boss over a man who is not my husband. I will, however, choke slam a ho as soon as the ink on my marriage certificate dries. Please believe Mr. Cindasmommy will feel my wrath as well, but I know how to handle that shit at the crib. I will publicly make an example out of any broad who even toes the line of disrespecting my marriage vows. I will stop her fucking heart. Make no mistake, you will rue the day that you decided that it was appropriate for you to participate in activites that are a detriment to my marital bliss. Single women don’t understand. They try to come with lines like “You should be taking care of home.” I’ll show you how I take care of home, bitch. I will fucking show you.

I have no problem with platonic relationships between men and women. I am a woman who enjoys sports way too much to not recognize that there is a possibility that a friendship based solely on the home team can exist. What I do not recognize is some women’s desire to implant themselves in situations that are clearly bordering on disrespectful. Perhaps single women are just unaware of what is okay and what isn’t, so to keep you hoes from getting stabbed by your “boy’s” wife, I’ll help you out.

Keep a 2 foot distance Do not…I REPEAT…do NOT get too close to someone else’s husband. You don’t need to touch him at all. A quick hug…don’t linger bitch. Perhaps some dap is more appropriate. But if y’all are sitting next to each other and you lean in one too many times for a private moment (and by one too many, I mean once), Mrs. might be liable to believe you’re sharing secrets and the only secrets a husband should have is with his wife. Seriously though, keep your hands off. You won’t accidentally end up sleeping with a married man if you remember to keep a two foot distance between you and someone else’s husband. If you’re not sure, carry around a ruler.

9 PM – 9 AM Remember these hours. They are important. If you look at the clock and it is between these hours, DO NOT CALL!!! Whatever you have to say can wait until morning. There is absolutely nothing you have to say to someone else’s husband after 9 PM. If it’s an emergency, call 911. If it can’t wait, call someone else. Don’t think you’re slick by texting it either. If you think you’ll forget, type it in your phone, then text it at 9:02 AM. If you really think someone else’s husband needs to hear what you have to say during this 12 hours I’ve already told you is off limits, call his wife and tell her and then she’ll relay the message. Otherwise, get some new single male friends who don’t have wives that will cut your ass for trying to communicate with their husbands during Bitch Don’t Call My House hours.

Saving Yo Ho Ass You have a flat tire. There’s a mouse in your house. Your computer has a virus. You need to call AAA, Orkin, and Geek Squad, respectively. If you’re unable to google or youtube solutions to your problem, then your independent ass should have thought about that before you decided you didn’t need no man to help you. If between the proposal and the wedding you didn’t find yourself another Captain Saveaho, you need to file that under things that are Your Bad. He has a wife and a home to take care of, and you are no longer a priority. Find someone else to get you out of your sticky situations because someone else’s husband is busy being someone else’s husband. Get your own, bitch.

If I need to ask my best friend’s husband a question, I ask her to tell him, then I talk to his ass on speaker phone. When I visited their home for the weekend, I had to purchase new pajamas because no one needs to see the bottom of my ass hanging out of my shorts. I keep our twitter/facebook exchanges to a minimum and not because she has anything to worry about. I respect the sanctity of marriage and our friendship and if she is going to be mad at me about anything, it’s gonna be because I stretched out her shoes with my big ass feet, not because I toed the marriage line. This bitch named Alejandra used to call my house just a little too much, and by my house I meant my ex-husband’s cell phone and by too much I mean more than once a week. They didn’t have that much to talk about so after she continued to call after I politely asked her ass to keep it to a minimum, I politely threatened her with bodily harm that I fully intended to carry out after she called one more time too many. I’m not married anymore, but I will let you broken home hoes know this right now, if I ever get married again and you implant your self where it doesn’t need to be implanted…Bitch, I will cut you.

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6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. 1uppitynegress
    Apr 02, 2012 @ 15:36:05

    I love this!!! Even though my best friend & his wife are perfectly okay with me breaking some of these rules. I. Do. Not. I visit them & stay at their house when I visit New York but even then I make sure I am talking to her sitting next to her on the bus. I go meet her downtown. I make sure I don’t break rules because I know hat she doesn’t have to be so nice. And out of respect I stay out of the “bitch I will cut you” range

    Reply

  2. Cris
    Apr 02, 2012 @ 17:23:04

    *drops mic* SEXUAL CHOCOLATE!!!!!! (yep nothing else needs to be said)

    Reply

  3. Regina Townsend
    Apr 03, 2012 @ 12:59:29

    *Clinks glass*

    Reply

  4. El Jugo
    Apr 03, 2012 @ 15:00:53

    BWWWWWWAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAAHAHHAHAAHAHHAHAHAAH ….El Jugo Approves.

    Reply

  5. Jeronica
    Apr 04, 2012 @ 06:54:14

    I LOVE THIS!!! It’s amazing to me how some people cling to things that don’t belong to them! It’s good to know that I am not crazy, and yes!

    Reply

  6. Emma
    May 21, 2013 @ 10:40:23

    Feeling this right now omg yes!

    Reply

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