Man Down! Man Up!!!

Y’all know how much I can’t stand Lebron James.  I have my reasons, all of them superficial, but today, June 10, 2011, I’m here to say that not only can I not stand him, I’m starting to resent his very existence…or lack thereof.  I’ve finally figured out why I can not stand this man-boy: He just might be the most bitch-made person in the NBA. Not only has he accepted his role as the most hated basketball player of this generation, he’s taking it laying down.  Man the fuck up, Bron-Bron!!!  Of course I’m gonna provide you with examples of his doormatting cuz that’s what I do… I present a clear and concise argument and dare you to disagree.

The Back Door

What does a real man do when he leaves his former employer and has to return to announce that his new company is taking over?  Walk through the front door, put his loose change on the conveyor belt of the X-ray machine, pimp walk through the metal detector, walk into the conference room with his Power Point presentation and say, “I OWN YOU BITCHES!!!”  Not King James…nuh-unh.  Amid boos and catcalls, he forgoes the player introductions during the Heat/Cavs game in Cleveland on March 29, 2011. Guess what? Bron bitched out
The game ended very expectedly for me; you can’t enter a room with your tail tucked between your legs and expect to emerge triumphant.  Cleveland fans are going to boo Lebron, some of them even wish his sweatband would slip around his neck and choke the shit out of him, but that should never have kept him from standing tall and taking his jeers like a man. In the bathroom, my ass.

One, Two Way Back

A man’s hairline is between him and that man, but when that man uses an innocent accessory for evil, THAT is when I draw the line.  A man who gets punked by his own hairline is a man I just can’t stand behind.  Let’s take Michael Jordan, the greatest player of all times no matter what bitch ass Scottie Pippen says.  He more than likely started balding pretty early, hence the signature bald head.  He wasn’t afraid to say “Hey guys, look at me.  My hairline just won’t stop receding so I said fuck it and shaved it all off.”  I have zero respect for a man who lies to himself and right now, Lebron’s hairline has no respect for him, either. It’s moving further and further back daring him to shave it all off and what does he do? Hide behind a sweatband. Perhaps he’ll look in the mirror and give us The Decision 2011: Propecia or Rogain but until then, Lebron has been made a bitch by his hair.

The Timeline

Oh is that yo bitch?!

And yet another basketball player has betrayed LBJ.  First Delonte West banged his mom and now Rashard Lewis is boning his girl.  What’s Lebron gonna do?  Play basketball and make another Nike commercial?  The way I see it, no one likes him anyway.  He may as well launch into a profanity-laced press conference threatening to mollywop Lewis, call him a faggot and hold a second press conference apologizing for his behavior.  The next story to break is gonna be that Chris Bosh is hitting Lebron’s  pool boy maid.  The first girl he ever made sweet love to will be next to announce that she had a thing going on with his basketball coach…I’m not sure who his therapist is, but I bet that bitch is paid.

Lebron James will undeniably be one of the greatest players to ever step onto a basketball court. He’ll never be loved like THE greatest player, nor will we love to hate him like THE greatest player’s former teammate (here’s looking at you Dennis Rodman). Very few people can give an actual reason why they hate him, no one outside of Cleveland really cares where he decided to play…downtown Miami, not South Beach, by the way. Lebron, you’re just a bitter little pill and unfortunately, the doctor prescribed a lifetime supply. If you’re gonna be the most hated man in the NBA, do something to justify said hatred because right now, not only do we hate you, but we also think you’re a pussy.

Lebron is a BITCH

Lebron James is a bitch for three reasons:

1. Bootleg Press Conference – No one else in the history of earth needs a fucking press conference to switch employers, especially one that lasts an entire hour and didn’t include a banner dropping, balloons and confetti, or Will Smith rapping Welcome to Miami with a slew of Salsa dancers in those shimmy skirts. He didn’t even have on a suit!! When I used to dress like a boy, I swear I had that same shirt in blue. I wanted fireworks and all I got were those little white pop things you throw on the ground.

2. Basketball ain’t that important – I won’t compare yesterday’s “Decision” to other newsworthy events of much greater importance, but I’ve been sitting on the edge of my seat wondering if Chicago Public Schools was going to pass a budget that would allow me to have less than 35 students in my first grade classroom. Lebron grew up in the projects and if he wanted to, he could have used his hour in the spotlight to address real concerns in his old community, not where he would be working next. There’s just a whole lot of shit going on in this world and basketball ain’t that important.

3. He interrupted my trivia – What the FUCK!!!!! He messed up my groove!!! What the FUCK!!!!! We were in the middle of my weekly trivia game when the music went off and trivia stopped. I looked up to see the plaid shirt and hear mumbling. I have no clue what was being said. I didn’t even hear when he said Miami. All I cared was that MY TRIVIA GAME WAS BEING INTERRUPTED!!!!!

And that is why, Lebron James, you are a BITCH!!!!!!

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