The Thirst

Are you thirsty? Not for water, for an individual for whom you think you might have a romantic connection. I keep reading tweets from men who claim that showing a woman interest doesn’t equal thirst and that these women just aren’t used to a man treating them well…which is a hot, steaming pile of horseshit because A) I’ve fallen victim to The Thirst and B) I am well aware of how to be treated by a man…that I’m interested in. Unwanted romantic advances fall into three categories: Persistence, Thirst, and Stalking. (Keep in mind, it is only considered annoying if you’re not interested in the individual; otherwise, it’s normal courting.)

Persistence Back in August, I received a message in my inbox on Facebook from a guy I went to high school with. I didn’t know him then, still don’t know him now, but he had been liking and commenting on quite a few posts and pictures. This means absolutely nothing…or it means absolutely EVERYTHING!! Turns out, the gentleman wanted to date me. He never outright said “I’d like to take you out on a date.” Instead, he relied on the persistence method, also known as the Steve Urkel I’m Wearing You Down approach. This rarely works.

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No. For the love of God, NO!!! That shit is not endearing, it’s called pre-stalking. This man had the nerve to say stalking was subjective…and then I knew precisely why men make statements like, “You just don’t know it feels to have a real man treat you good.” If the response to your persistence are one word answers and you never seem to quite make any ground with the object of your affection, chances are this person is trying not to reject advances you’re too chicken shit to make. The man who thought persistence was the key to my heart sent this final message on New Year’s Day:

I really would have liked to have had a chance to get to know you. No disrespect, I know you’re attached now, but I hope you’ll keep my application on file should the future husband position be available again. Best wishes beautiful.

Persistence only works when feelings are reciprocated, only then it’s called dating.

The Thirst People confuse persistence with thirst all the time. The litmus test is quite simple: Would you be disgusted by the actions if you had any interest whatsoever in the individual? If so, it’s probably just some poor overanxious soul who really wants your attention. If you are disgusted and appalled by this person, you are officially a victim of The Thirst. Similar to persistence, The Thirst can be misconstrued. If you receive a message describing what the sender wants to do to every inch of your body from someone you want to do things to every inch of your body, it’s not The Thirst, it’s sexting. If you haven’t seen the married individual since 1993 when he was your summer boyfriend, it’s not only thirsty, it’s creepy.

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1) This man has never met my child. 2) My Facebook inbox is not here for this foolishness. 3) Ew.

The Thirst comes in all kinds of flavors: Excessive commenting and liking of posts, statuses, and pictures…and by excessive, I mean ALL, insisting that you can do better than someone else’s man/woman, being extra…The Thirst is easily identified: Have you gotten anywhere with your “flirting”? No…oh, it’s because you’re fucking thirsty!!!

Stalking I’ve been stalked before and it’s not to be taken lightly. Back in college, a man who at one point went to the university in a neighboring town decided to set his sights on me. During a weekend break, while we were on the phone, he asked me where I lived. I gave him a general vicinity and we continued to talk on the phone. He told me he had some errands to run and we ended our conversation. About an hour later, he called me back and asked what exit he needed to take to get to my house. I was utterly confused…and then he explained he wanted to surprise me so he didn’t tell me he was about to make a 60 mile drive to my house unannounced. I told him my mother and I were about to leave out and then realized I had a weirdo on my hands. A few weeks later, while visiting a friend at his “school,” he found out I was in town, attempted to explain away his skeevy behavior and offered to drive us around to some of his fraternity events. I obliged. Long story short, he tried to kill me. Like physically wrap his hands around my throat and strangle the life from my tiny little body. He was chased down by his frat brothers, the police were called, a restraining order was filed, and I went back to my school. After he showed up on my campus asking around for me, I had to contact the campus police and let my dorm director know I had a stalker. According to the messages I continued to get, he just wanted to tell me sorry and know if he could try again. 1) No. 2) I never slept with this dude nor gave him any indication I planned on handing over my virginity to him. 3) No. I heard from one of his frat brothers that he was creeping on another freshman…it took him until I left for summer break for him to stop calling, writing letters, and doing other stalky shit. (I just looked him up on Facebook…his occupation is listed as professional boxer…go fucking figure)

It’s quite simple to determine whether your method is working: Are you in a relationship with the person you’re creeping on? Are you being ignored? Have your requests ever been honored? Will your actions put you in prison? Is there a restraining order against you? Really? Well, you just might be a persistent, thirsty stalker. This means you Blue Line Tyrell.

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Dear Mr. Black Man

Dear Mr. Black Man,

This is getting a little ridiculous. Maybe I’m just not making myself clear. Maybe you just don’t get it. Society has led some of you to believe that women are the ones who are miserable being alone and will do anything to get/keep a man, when it’s become quite apparent to me that some men are the ones who fear being alone. I’ve come to the conclusion that all of the resistance to growing up and settling down arrives from your worry that the woman you finally commit to will hurt you. This is where the JayKay tough love comes in: GROW THE FUCK UP AND GET SOME THERAPY!!!! I’ve encountered way more damaged men than I have women simply because women are more willing to admit that certain happenstances in their lives have left them unfit for human interaction and they seek help: from friends, clergy, or an actual licensed therapist. Black men (as a broad generalization) tend to chalk up their fatal character flaws to “yeah, that’s just the way I am” or even worse, not even recognize their issues as flaws at all. I’m not one of those chicks that like to point out what’s fucked up with black men and offer the solution of dating Others. I’m that type of girl who offers constructive criticism (not that you’re gonna listen, you stubborn bastard).

Bait and Switch

Recently, a man offered to purchase us Bears tickets for what would have been our second date. As a matter of fact, he offered to take me to a Bears game for our first date. I was obviously skeptical, not because I don’t believe I’m worth a $400 date, I just didn’t think he’d come through. Sure enough, he didn’t. Instead of admitting his mistake, he ignored the fact that he’d made a specific offer and informed me that there were more games left in the season THEN asked me out to dinner THEN failed to understand what me declining his offer had to do with his failure to procure tickets AND acknowledge said failure.

This may not seem like a fatal flaw to many, and some would have gone out to dinner with him but me? Nah, I’m good, son. This dude is damaged goods. The bait and switch comes in all forms, but the perpetrators usually make all types of promises upon meeting a woman and then treats those promises as “game.”. Fuck yo game, nigga, I’ve been going to Bears games all season long. I didn’t need that gentleman to make me any promises he couldn’t fulfill and I resent the fact that he wasn’t man enough to own up to his bullshit. If I tolerate that, there’s no telling what other shit he’ll switcharoo on me. These promises aren’t always in the form of tangible goods. There’s Mr. I’m Looking For Something Long Term who’s actually just dipping his dick in whoever let’s him or Mr. I’m Single…when my girl isn’t standing right next to me. Look, you ain’t gosta lie, Craig. While you may believe you’re spitting game, unless you plan on fulfilling all that game you’re spitting, you’re nothing but a liar who needs to grow up and be honest. The best game is no game at all. You don’t have to impress me with shit you’re not even remotely capable of fulfilling.

Leave the white girls out of this

This 24 year old standing in line at the club on Halloween tried to convince me of his dateability. Instead of taking my “you’re too young” and leave well enough alone, he decided to engage me in a debate on what’s wrong with women and how we turn down quality men and blah blah bullshit. He ended his nonsense with a “that’s why we fuck with white girls.” I’m 87% sure his boy held his breath as he waited on my inevitable Angry Black Woman reaction. Instead, I replied to his stupid ass, “Good, they can have you.” A random white chick standing in front of me yelled out, “We don’t want him!” and the crowd went wild. I’m only gonna say this one time: If you have such a serious problem with black women that you feel your only recourse is to date white women THEN SO BE IT! Most of us aren’t mad you about it. As a matter of fact, you’re damaged as hell and we’re glad to be rid of you. Be gone from our dating pool because a man who believes that a woman’s race defines the type of woman she is is too stupid to be worthy of dating anyone, including the white woman he has stereotyped. White women should be equally offended when a black man only dates white women because he’s been emotionally scarred enough to swear off an entire race of women. He’s DAMAGED!!! RUN!!!!!

Delusions of Grandeur

I’ve already addressed the issue men seem to have believing their mediocrity should be good enough to earn him the hand of any woman of his choosing. Those Very Smart Brothas defined the Diva Dude a year ago and were nice enough to repost it and it still isn’t getting through to some of you. Black women aren’t single because we don’t recognize how amazing you are. Some of you just aren’t that amazing and fail to understand why women refuse to put up with your nonsense. It’s not us. It’s you! It’s all you.

Match.com story: I received an email that read subject: Don’t be shy. Body: Let’s do this. His profile:

She can wear a romper (pants or shorts) and heels to the NBA game, but could beat most chicks that will be hatin in a game of hoops. She NEVER fights, rarely curses, and seldomly raises her voice. She knows how to get whatever she wants out of me and never ALLOWS me to feel insecure. Always the perfect lady in the streets but a tough kill in the sheets. And if I bought the games tickets, she laughs at me for tryna buy the drinks. And we drink like royalty while we enjoy the game. Clearly, the woman has her own. She can wait about 3 to five years for kids, but definitely wants some. And knows she won’t have any trouble bouncing back after the rug rats are here I want a woman that’s a little concided verse a little insecure, yet has her ego in check.For this woman, I give her my all!

What in all kinds of fucks is this? I refuse to dissect this bullshit, but let me just tell you that I said no. Actually, I didn’t even say no. I just blocked his dumb ass from ever contacting me ever ever ever again. I get tired of being told that my standards are too high and that maybe I should just accept a man having 5 kids since I have a kid. It’s not the same fucking thing. Another guy said that women won’t date his average-looking friend with good credit and no kids who is also a bit of a lame (his words, not mine). What self-respecting woman wants to date someone whose own boy can’t come up with anything better to describe him as than “he pays his bills on time and wears a condom.” That shit ain’t cute and we’re not going! What if I told a guy that my girl was average-looking with good credit and no kids and was kind of a bitch? He’d look at me like I was a damn fool and that’s the same way I’m looking at you. Guess what buddy? I’m not interested in your lack of punctuation or your lame ass ugly friend and you’re not going to make me feel bad about not dating you nor hooking you up with my friends. They may not be attractive enough for you, but you’re definitely too fucking delusional for us.

This letter isn’t to all black men, because I don’t deal in absolutes. Not all black men, just like not all black women (and for that matter not all of anyone) are on the foolishness that keeps the producers of the Dateline segments employed. God, I hate Dateline. No one is buying the bullshit…actually, too many of us are buying the bullshit. Being single isn’t a disease and for most, it’s a purposeful choice. I’m pretty sure I could convince some man to marry me and take me away from this loneliness *sarcasm* but instead, I choose to focus on what’s important to me: ME (and Cinda) but mostly ME!! I’m not running to the arms of a white man because black men are such fuck ups and I’m also not settling for whatever falls before me out of fear of growing old alone. I can get dick. I can go on dates. I could probably get someone to pay my bills or whatever else some men believe women need from you. I’m not saying I’m so independent that I got this and don’t need no man for shit, but I want to need you, not need to need you. For now, I’m happy going at this alone until I find someone who isn’t perfect, just perfect for me.

Sincerely (and once again, I’m being SO sincere)

Me

Urban Legends

Once upon a time, every problem in a sitcom relationship was solved before the half hour episode was over. Cliff apologized to Claire. Martin got a kiss and his ears groped by Gina. Fancy giggled at Jamie’s antics and attributed his buffoonery to “Jamie being Jamie”. Fortunately, shows like Girlfriends and The Game showcase relationships slightly more realistically. Thirty minutes isn’t nearly enough time to fix Jill’s hurt feelings after Tim made fun of her snoring on “Tool Time”. (Although Jill probably should have gotten over it since she blew out Tim’s engine because she didn’t recognize the “check engine” light meant check the flippin’ engine). The same way life doesn’t work the way it does on television, some of the things we believe about relationships don’t work either. Here are some common myths that just don’t cut it:

Having a baby saves everything This is the single most foolish thing I’ve ever heard of, and in this day and age, people STILL believe it will work. If your relationship is on shaky ground, shitty diapers and projectile vomit won’t be fixing much, now will it? Bringing a life into this world to prove your commitment to each other is about as dumb as (I’ve been sitting here for 20 minutes trying to think of something as equally dumb as having a baby to keep a man and I have yet to come up with anything remotely close). Raising a child together requires more than just the 30 seconds it took to make one. If you want him to marry you, having his child isn’t going to get you an engagement ring. Teething ring, perhaps but no diamonds. From what I’ve gathered, many men don’t equate doing the right thing to marrying the mother of their child(ren). In some cases, the baby happens to come before the marriage, and the marriage works out but this is not the norm. There wouldn’t be so many single parents if life worked out that way. The only guarantee of having a kid with someone is that your child will have half of his DNA and half of yours. Children are not weapons in your little Love War, so unless the two of you are committed to each other 100%, invest in some birth control.

Love is all you need You’re joking, right? Marriage is a business contract between two people who love each other and have decided to devote the rest of their lives to one another. You need a license to get married and a judge to end it. Sounds like a legal transaction to me. Yeah there are other things involved, but you can have a commitment without a marriage license. Many people go into marriage without the clear understanding that love can’t fix everything. Being in love is a chemical imbalance…yeah I said it! All those butterflies and palpitations you felt when you were dating are from completely different reasons after marriage. Where will we live? How will we raise the kids? Can we afford to take this trip? The superficial “in love” is replaced by a much deeper love that stems from mutual respect, friendship and understanding so if all you have to go on is “he gives me goosebumps,” the cute way he chews his French toast is gonna piss you off a few years down the road. Getting married for love only isn’t enough, because it takes a lot more than love to make a marriage work. One would assume you’re together because you love each other and you haven’t married every man you’ve loved so there must be something more to it. As much as I loved my ex-husband, it wasn’t enough to hold together our marriage. I couldn’t trust him to do anything (and I mean things like trust him to not leave the backdoor wide open all night long). Love is only one piece of the 1000 piece marriage puzzle, so if that’s all you’ve got to go on, you might wanna wait until you’ve figured out where some of the other pieces fit.

Steve Harvey Are you really about to follow the advice of a man who wore a wig and twenty button suits? For real, son?!? Never mind the fact that he’s been married five times (ok, so maybe he likes the way women look in veils and white dresses), when did STEVE HARVEY become a relationship guru? Ok, here I am, the pot calling the kettle black since I spend a lot of time dishing out advice. What I do, though, is offer my humble opinion based on my experience and present it as such. Nothing I’ve ever said is a steadfast rule, only wisdom I’ve gained from my own failures and successes. I would NEVER say that what works for me will work for every single woman on the planet, so I find it very concerning when a man gives a woman rules on how to get a man. Women shouldn’t have to alter their thinking to get a man. A guy I know said something that made a lot of sense…he asked if I ever wondered why there isn’t a similar book like Steve Harvey’s geared toward men. There might be, but I can guarantee it didn’t make New York Times bestseller list. Why? Because men don’t need anyone telling them how to think and neither do you! Advice isn’t, and should never be, a steadfast rule. I say this all the time, if you want to know what’s going on with your mate: ASK THEM!!!! Remember that episode of The Boondocks when Grandpa was dating the chick who was getting ridiculous advice from her crazy friend and blew herself up in the end? Add it to your “must watch” list, throw away that Steve Harvey book and when you have a question about someone, ASK THEM!!!!

We have a bad habit of trying to apply TV logic to real life and it NEVER works. Ever! There’s a show on The Discovery Channel called Mythbusters that proves many urban legends to be fallacious, created by Hollywood to make us believe that we live in a cool place where solutions are no more than two hours away. We believe in Dr. Phil and Steve Harvey because they’re famous and famous people MUST know what they’re talking about. They don’t…but you do. Listen to yourself, your mind, your heart, your mate. The day you believe the Urban Legends is the day you’re doomed…Temple of Doom.

From Sex Buddy to Husband: The Road to Holy Matrimony

Ok, the title is a bit misleading. I DO NOT have a road map leading one from bed buddy to wife with easy to follow directions. A friend asked me to explain, in my foolish manner, the difference between sex buddy, husband and all those titles in between and because I have nothing better to do this summer, I take requests. I’ve had a booty call, bed buddy, boo, boyfriend, fiancé, AND a husband and I’ll attempt to explain the difference among them all.

Booty Call He/you calls, he/you gets booty, he leaves/you go home. There is nothing more. Y’all don’t hang out. Y’all don’t have deep conversations on the phone. He/you calls at obscene hours of the night. The text messages you exchange are explicit and are generally sent after a night of drinking. He is not your man and will probably never EVER be! He is a booty call. That is it!!! Don’t confuse him with a Never Wanna Do Nothing because he does wanna do something: YOU! You are NOT a hoe if you have a Booty Call. So many people want to define other people’s sexuality but if you’re comfortable with the nature of your sex-only relationship with the Booty Call, do yourself a favor and keep this one to yourself. People don’t mean to be judgmental (yes they do) and tend to impose their own idiosyncrasies about sex upon others. As long as you protect yourself against unwanted pregnancy, STDs, and errant emotions, have fun because it’s no one’s business but yours and his. My opinion: GET LAID!!! Just remember to keep it simple, stupid. It’s about sex. Only about sex. About nothing more than sex.

Bed Buddy The difference between a Booty Call and a Bed Buddy is the nature of your relationship outside of the bedroom. This one is probably the most difficult to maintain. It involves combining a sexual relationship AND some sort of public interaction. You may be friends, coworkers, classmates but one thing you are not is a couple. You don’t go on dates and your social interaction is limited to group events. Bed Buddies should also be kept a secret which means whatever your relationship looked like publicly before y’all started boning should be what it continues to look like. While Bed Buddies are more likely to turn into something more than Booty Calls are, don’t expect it and don’t pretend you can handle him going on actual dates with women he is actually interested in. If you want more, your best bet is to a) tell him as soon as you “catch feelings”, b) don’t be upset if he doesn’t feel the same way about you and c) STOP SLEEPING WITH HIM!!!! Remember that you’re the one who has changed the rules so you can’t beat yourself (or him) up over the fact that he may not want to play the same game that you want to play. If he does want to play, then your Bed Buddy may turn into your….

Boo Ah…the Boo. This is the step right before Boyfriend (and I am NOT saying that every Boo will eventually become your Boyfriend). He is your go-to guy for social events, you have met his friends and family, you’re allowed to touch both the remote AND the radio in his car. He’s ok with PDA and you are widely recognized as the woman he’s seeing. So you’re his girlfriend, right? WRONG!!! Exclusivity and monogamy are the two things standing in the way and until you’ve had the “I’m not seeing anyone else but you” talk: HE IS NOT YOUR MAN!!!! That needs to be repeated: HE IS NOT YOUR MAN!!!! Everything that quacks is not a duck, it could be a chicken who was raised by a duck. Don’t assume that he is your Boyfriend because he does boyfriend-stuff. You’ll find yourself spending two years with a man who ends up marrying that girl he met at the barber shop. It’s very difficult for some women to NOT be exclusive with a man, but if he hasn’t made any commitments to you, don’t feel obligated to make any to him. Boos are great to have, but don’t turn down a date with the cutie at the gym because you think your Boo might get mad. Who cares if he gets mad?!?! He ain’t yo man!! Keep him on his toes, because if he thinks you’re not going anywhere, he’s not going to do much to keep you around. My advice with a Boo is to make sure you’re at the same priority level that he places you. If he makes plans on Saturday nights, then keep yourself occupied as well. You don’t have to actually go out or even lie to him about going out, but don’t sit around waiting on him. Commitment should be a mutual decision and if you’re waiting on him to be ready, chances are he’s not only NOT ready, but you just may not be the one he wants to commit to. He shouldn’t settle for you and you sure as hell shouldn’t settle for being settled on. It is possible, however, to turn a Boo into a….

Boyfriend You’ve made it!! You’ve met a guy, you’ve fallen in love, he’s not trying to screw your friends, he’s NOT dating other people. He’s YOUR Boyfriend! Now how on earth do you keep him? Same way that you got him, perhaps. I’ve already explained how visual and sexual men are so don’t think you can wear stilettos and give him head while driving on Lake Shore Drive while you’re dating then switch to flip flops and hand jobs while watching Real Housewives of **insert major city** once he’s become your Boyfriend. It also doesn’t mean he can stop doing the fun exciting things that won YOUR heart either. Expecting things to be exactly the same as they were when you were dating is foolish, life doesn’t work that way. Your connection is deeper than the shallow nature of dating, so act accordingly. Discuss your needs and make sure you’re discussing needs and not wants based on other people’s relationships. Most importantly, don’t turn a Boyfriend into a Husband. Those men are two totally different people. His parents are not your in-laws (notice the use of the word “law” which applies to the legal nature of an actual marriage). Mingling money is tricky (have you seen Judge Mathis?) and so is cohabitation and parenting if you choose to have a child(ren) out of wedlock. For some, this is the final stage of a relationship and marriage is not necessary. My only advice is that if marriage is what you want, you probably shouldn’t act like his wife until you actually are, which leads to the…

Husband You’ve stood before God and your friends and family and vowed to spend the rest of your life with him. Marriage is hard. Very hard. You’ve made the decision to not only spend, but blend your life with someone else’s and that’s exactly what you’re doing: BLENDING! It’s not about you, singular; it’s about you, plural. A marriage can ONLY be successful when BOTH husband and wife understand that although they are still individuals, they have committed to become one. Anyone who knows me, or has read my blog, knows that the end of my marriage was beyond my control, but I was always fully committed to my husband until it was impossible to do so. The Husband is the only person on this earth (besides your children) who deserves 100% of you and he should be giving you the same. When that number decreases (or is perceived to decrease) many people want to get out. Some cheat, some become distant, others head straight to an attorney. What is so special about marriage is that the only people who can solve the problems in a marriage is a Husband and Wife. Seeking outside advice should be mutual, because remember, you’re now acting as ONE. Many women forget this and try to repair the relationship alone, which may be okay with a Boyfriend, Boo or Bed Buddy but NEVER with a Husband. Husbands are hard work, so before you ask for one, be prepared to have one.

Relationships are not one size fits all, so please don’t use what I say as Mapquest. I’ve had a Booty Call, a Husband and everything in between. I’ve learned valuable lessons from every experience I’ve had and I figure it would be selfish of me not to share what I’ve discovered. Hopefully, if you were confused about where you stood with HIM, you’re clear now. Good luck!

WTF is a Slim Thug anyway?

Black women are pissed again. First Don Imus called us “nappy headed hoes”, then John Maker admitted he wouldn’t dip his white penis in Keyshia Cole’s black vagina even to repopulate the earth after nuclear holocaust. Now Slim Thug, Grammy…MTV…Source… (Wait, is he an award-winning rapper? No?! Oh, ok let me start over). Now Slim Thug, random media thirsty rapper, has exposed his ignorant racial stereotypes about us and we’re ready to boycott his music. (Pause…again. I think we might have already been doing that). I’m of the opinion that Slim Thug’s antiquated bias against is own is based on three things: his mother didn’t hug him enough, he was ugly in high school (Pause times three…he’s STILL ugly?! Oh!) and most importantly: HE’S A FUCKING IDIOT!!! I don’t want to focus on the random stupidity of one ignoramus. Instead, I have three pieces of advice for Black women.

1. STOP MEANMUGGING INTERRACIAL COUPLES!!! I visited a friend in Minneapolis and I swear to God EVERY other Black man was with a woman who wasn’t Black. Didn’t bother me one single bit because the not Black men were AT me when we went to the club. What did bother me was a group of Black women who (while in a pretty classy sushi spot) trashed EVERY. SINGLE. WOMAN who walked by. Those broads looked at me, noticed my fly Chicago style and ill ass Westside glare, and kept their mouths shut. Then I noticed that the women they were insulting very loudly were all very fair-skinned and were probably biracial. At first I was disgusted, then I felt sorry for them. Based on what I saw, they didn’t stand a chance of dating a Black man. The women with Black men were with Black and GORGEOUS, or not Black…and well, just not Black. I won’t go into the whos, whats and whys, but with all that said, I imagined dating for Black women in Minneapolis might be very difficult.

We need to stop giving Black men with not Black women the side eye. What does it accomplish? They now know how you feel about it and as soon as they get home they’re gonna break up immediately. Sounds dumb, right? No amount of discourse with your girls at the beauty shop or evil glances you give the offending couple is going to change the dating habits of a Black man who has opted to date a non-Black woman. He may be “experimenting”, date non-Blacks exclusively, or randomly fell for a woman who isn’t Black. Stop living up to the Angry Black Woman stereotype by being an angry Black woman. We don’t roll our eyes when we see Black men with hoodrats, whores, and women in cheap shoes so kill the evil stares.

2. EXPAND YOUR HORIZONS Black women may be the only group that, as a whole, only date men of their own racial/ethnic background. As a matter of fact, we’re so stuck on Black men, we routinely opt for losers who’ll never amount to much just because they are the same race. It’s the same as buying rotten fruit at the grocery store because that’s all they have left. More than likely, you’ll go to another store. Instead of complaining (on national television nonetheless) about the absence of good Black men, try dating a good non-Black man. We’ve come to believe the negative stereotypes about ourselves and think only Black men like our luscious lips, voluptuous behinds, and brown skin. We’ve accepted the untruths that we’re angry, our hair is nappy, and we’re welfare queens. If we stop listening to idiots like Slim Thug and Don Imus, we would realize that many non-Black men are willing to venture outside their race to date us. My mother-in-law is Vietnamese and father-in-law is white and their son thought I was the most beautiful woman he had ever met in his life. We shared common interests, goals, and values. One of the few and least important things we didn’t share was racial and ethnic background. The reason it didn’t work had nothing to do with race

I’m not saying to totally discount Black men; if I were, I’d be just as bad as those who subscribe to the false belief that there are no good Black men left. What I am saying is that we are limiting ourselves when we choose not to date anything but. Join Match.com or eHarmony if you’re not sure where to go. Hang out with your coworkers. Join a social group. ANYTHING!!! Stop accepting bullshit because you want little black babies. Choose a partner because of what you have in common, but let race be the least important because it really is.

And last but not least:

3. STOP BEING UNREALISTIC!!! We often want our mate to be perfect when we are nowhere close. He has to look like Michael Ealy, drive a Bentley, make six-figures, attended a top-tier law school, have a body like a god, have a big dick and on and on and ON!! Really?!?! I’m not saying lower your standards (see #2) but understand that the perfect man doesn’t exist. You’re not going to meet Prince Charming at First Friday. As a matter of fact, you’re NEVER going to meet Prince Charming. What IS going to happen is that you’re going to meet a man that may be perfect for you, but because he pulled up in a ten year old Toyota, you discount him as a potential suitor. Good things may come in very oddly wrapped packages and if you’re too busy looking at his resume instead of listening during the interview, you might miss out on a man that is absolutely perfect for you.

There are always going to be negative stereotypes about Black women. Not living up to them is the first way to combat them. Next step: IGNORE THE DUMBASSES WHO HAVE THEM! If Slim Thug had said he only dates White women, I probably wouldn’t have paid much attention. But when he felt the need to disrespect Black women, he relegated himself to a group of people I have deemed unfit for human interaction. We spend far too much time concerned about who other people are dating. Date people who make you feel good, but don’t ignore the untapped world of Black women dating non-Black men. You might end up with a husband and a couple of little biracial babies.

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