Dear Ms. Black Woman

Dear Ms. Black Woman,

I do not have HIV. I do not have AIDS. I am 100% STD free and for that, I am 100% lucky. I won’t even sit here and lie to you and say I’ve never had unprotected sex before, because I have. It was never a random encounter, always with a long term partner, but nonetheless, I didn’t use protection on more than one occasion in my life. I’ve done some really stupid shit in my life and not using a condom each and every time I had sex is the stupidest shit I’ve ever done. Heat of the moment and all that good shit but very, very stupid. I will never do it again. I can say that under no uncertain terms will I ever have unprotected sex with a man who is not my husband. Wanna know how I know this? Because I am in control of my body. I choose who I have consensual sex with and so do you. I choose who I allow to enter my body and so do you.

“In 2009, black women accounted for 30% of the estimated new HIV infections among all blacks. Most (85%) black women with HIV acquired HIV through heterosexual sex. The estimated rate of new HIV infections for black women was more than 15 times as high as the rate for white women, and more than three times as high as that of Latina women.”
Center for Disease Control and Prevention (http://www.cdc.gov/hiv/topics/aa/)

Celibacy is the only way to prevent sexually transmitted disease. THE ONLY! I’m not about to sit here and advocate celibacy, because A) I like having sex and B) I believe sex is a natural expression of desire. Ain’t nothing wrong with fucking. We have been shamed into believing that expressing our sexuality is wrong, therefore, we take unnecessary risks with our lives because we don’t want nobody thinking we’re hoes. In my safety bag are tampons, Advil, a toothbrush, and some condoms. I am not ashamed to be carrying three Magnums in my purse every single day. I would be ashamed to carry a disease I could have prevented. We spend so much time getting preachy and high horse about natural hair and light skin yet utter nary a peep about US being infected at 15 times the rate of out white counterparts. Instead of concerning ourselves so much with protecting our hair, let’s do more to protect our bodies.

Love,

Jen

Losing the Draws

For some strange reason, men have come to believe that they enjoy sex more than women do. They’ve led themselves to think that we do it just to please them. Men, you’re wrong…a comedian whose identity escapes me once urged men to massage the inside of their ear with their finger and let him know which feels better: the ear or the finger. We wanna do it! We really, really do!! Women (without issues)* enjoy the act of sexual intercourse, when done properly, just as much as men do. As a matter of fact, well before we even have our first conversation with you, a woman may have already determined whether she’s gonna give it up or not. Some men get the go ahead upon first glance. Others need a little more time. Far too many men have fucked it all up by simply opening their mouths. Others do dumb shit they refuse to believe is dumb. I’ve decided to help everyone out, to keep you silly boys from losing the draws.

1. Shut the fuck up!!!
Here’s a list of things to avoid saying:

  • Sorry it took me so long. I had bubble guts.
  • Why don’t I take you to a hotel to wait for me while I go work out?
  • I’ll eat your pussy better than anyone ever has.
  • I’m surprised you even own a shovel.**

Ask yourself, “Would I want a man saying this to my mother.”

2. If you run into someone you know, pretend your date exists. You don’t need to add a title in the introduction, it’s obvious you’re on a date. “*Other person* this is *potential poonany*” is sufficient.

3. Be a damn man. Everyone wants an independent woman, but dammit if you ask ME out, be prepared to pay. Also, hold open the door, walk on the street side, and help me put on my coat. Chivalry is dead because trifling mofos killed it.

4. Valet the damn car. If there isn’t a parking spot within one block, the weather is extreme (hot, cold, rain) or your date has on 4″ heels, VALET THE DAMN CAR!

5. If she wants to come upstairs, she’ll come upstairs. If she wants to invite you up, she’ll invite you up.

6. No means NO! Self-explanatory. Even if you believe she’s a tease, why become a felon over it?

7. Boy Scout. Always be prepared. You ain’t gettin’ none without a condom. And if you DO get some, be prepared to get something else. *she’s a HOE*

8. Are you really leaving a $5 tip on a $150 check? No, it’s NOT enough.

9. Keep your hands off body parts considered sexual unless invited to do otherwise. Nothing says never gonna get it, like a stray, unsolicited hand on my booty.

10. Sex isn’t an obligatory part of a date. Don’t treat it as such. No matter how nice you were, how much you spent, or much you thought she was into you, she doesn’t OWE you anything. Copping a ‘tude like a lil bitch will ensure that you never ever EVER get any. EVER.

Now that you know the rules, follow them and you just might get lucky.

*By issues, I do NOT mean those who choose to be celibate…so don’t get your granny panties in a bunch.

**Yes, all of these things have been said to me. All of these things were said to me this year.

That is all.

New Math

From the dawn of time, women have been pretending not to like sex…inexplicably, but whatever. Out of our feigned disdain for intercourse arose our need to keep the number of sexual partners a closely guarded secret. We divide, dissect, and dismantle every sexual encounter until we’re left with a number suitable to share if we’re ever questioned by someone to whom we’d rather not reveal the actual count. There are all sorts of formulas and variables, derivatives and exceptions but we need to come up with something consistent, let’s call it New Math.

The first thing one must do is calculate their Actual Number and compare it to the Allowed Number. Your Allowed Number is calculated as such:

(C – V)/2=Allowed Number, where C = Current Age and V= Age One First Lost One’s Virginity

For example, a 34 year old woman who lost her virginity at 16 would have an Allowed Number of 9 partners. Once you’ve determined your Allowed Number, now it’s time to itemize deductions. You’re allowed to itemize one partner from each category. Any more than that would be dishonest.

A) One Night Stand – You’re allowed one. That is all. If the majority of your partners are one night stands, you should probably revisit your standards and stop drunkenly picking up strangers.

B) One Minute Man – Similar to the one night stand, you can only deduct him if he CONSISTENTLY lasted one minute. Don’t try to sneak in a man you’d been screwing for months because the first time was less than memorable. He gets three times to prove himself. Best two out of three.

C) Is it in Yet? – I’m sorry, but if you don’t feel anything, it doesn’t count.

D) Oh Yeah! – I always forget this one guy every time I try to get an accurate count, even if it’s a recount 30 seconds after the first count. Obviously, things just weren’t that memorable and I’m trying to subconsciously erase him from my memory…well a little bit more than subconsciously…

The same 34 year old woman with an Allowed Number of 9 could potentially rid herself of 4 partners leaving a nice round figure of 5. Being able to deduct insignificant men is a necessary evil. Men don’t mind counting their mistakes, women would rather pretend they never existed. With New Math, you can!

Thank GOD none of my exes read my blog…I’d hate to have to explain to them which one they are…or if they still count

Dating (Is) For Dummies

I don’t like dating. Actually, I despise it with every fiber of my being. The entire process completely turns me off: meeting someone, talking or texting, setting up a date that doesn’t conflict with either of our busy schedules, meeting, realizing he isn’t as cute as he was the night I met him, being bored out of my mind because he’s boring as shit, and finally the awkward goodbye. Dating is the pits, but I’ve learned the ropes and picked up a few dos and don’ts along the way.

Turn your ringer off I went out with a man who spent the entire ride to the restaurant on the phone. The call kept dropping so every 6 minutes, his loud ass annoying ringtone chimed alerting him to pick up the phone so his sister could finish telling him what happened to her and their cousin in Miami. He asked me if I minded before he started talking to her and I even talked to her, too (we go way back) but that phone rang ALL NIGHT LONG!!! Text messages, phone calls, emails, etc. Instead of putting the phone on vibrate, this fool let the sucker ring. He never answered after we got to the restaurant, but that didn’t stop whoever was trying to reach him from trying. Finally, I had to say “Pretty Boy who’s only getting a second chance because you’re so pretty, your ever-chiming phone is annoying. Put that shit on vibrate!” He obliged, but not before he firmly cemented himself in No More Dates For You Land, pretty face and all.

Anticipate Sex Oh don’t give me that “I don’t do blah blah blah on the first date.” Shit happens!! As a rule, I don’t either, but I also don’t ever say never. So what do you do when things are going fabulously, you go back to your place for a cup of coffee, the kissing turns to that thing that happens after kissing and SHIT!!! Your crotch, underarms, and legs look like Cousin Itt, you don’t have a single condom, and there are clothes ALL OVER YOUR BEDROOM FLOOR!!! Your three month rule is going to remain intact because you forgot to grab a few items from Walgreens. Oh quit fronting like you don’t like sex! That good girl, I don’t usually do this crap is played out. Men also need to get over the “if she slept with me on the first night then who else has she slept with on the first night” foolishness, too. Chances are, it doesn’t happen very often for either of you but when people place stipulations on nature and not prepare for sex, they end up risking their lives and livelihoods having unprotected sex. I’m not advocating having sex on the first, second, or ANY date. What I am saying is be prepared for it.

Stay Sober This goes for everyone, men AND women. Who the hell blames it on the alcohol anymore? Inebriation puts you in a state of vulnerability and unless you’re extremely comfortable with your companion, sobriety is your best bet. Drunkenness will have you saying and doing things you wouldn’t do sober. Yeah, I get that drunk actions are sober thoughts, but inhibitions are what separate us from people who appear on reality shows. Once your inhibitions have been totally eradicated by those shots of Patron, the evening becomes an episode of Blind Date without those funny popups. Not everyone manifests intoxication in the same manner (I’m a get naked, get in bed and go to sleep drunk), so while you might be an amorous drunk, your date may be a belligerent drunk who gets really pissed off when you decide you love everyone at the bar. My advice: save the shots for a night out with your friends and alternate every drink with a glass of water when you’re on a date.

I’m sure there are plenty of things I’ve missed: make sure you have a sitter, wear deodorant, dress appropriately (stilettos at the movies just don’t work and neither does a white tee at…well, everywhere) but from a person who hates to date, these work well for me. Dating comes with all kinds of unspoken rules and as a professional non-dater, I listen to my friends complain about their crappy dates and giggle a little inside. If they knew like I knew how much dating sucks, they wouldn’t be having all these issues.

From Sex Buddy to Husband: The Road to Holy Matrimony

Ok, the title is a bit misleading. I DO NOT have a road map leading one from bed buddy to wife with easy to follow directions. A friend asked me to explain, in my foolish manner, the difference between sex buddy, husband and all those titles in between and because I have nothing better to do this summer, I take requests. I’ve had a booty call, bed buddy, boo, boyfriend, fiancé, AND a husband and I’ll attempt to explain the difference among them all.

Booty Call He/you calls, he/you gets booty, he leaves/you go home. There is nothing more. Y’all don’t hang out. Y’all don’t have deep conversations on the phone. He/you calls at obscene hours of the night. The text messages you exchange are explicit and are generally sent after a night of drinking. He is not your man and will probably never EVER be! He is a booty call. That is it!!! Don’t confuse him with a Never Wanna Do Nothing because he does wanna do something: YOU! You are NOT a hoe if you have a Booty Call. So many people want to define other people’s sexuality but if you’re comfortable with the nature of your sex-only relationship with the Booty Call, do yourself a favor and keep this one to yourself. People don’t mean to be judgmental (yes they do) and tend to impose their own idiosyncrasies about sex upon others. As long as you protect yourself against unwanted pregnancy, STDs, and errant emotions, have fun because it’s no one’s business but yours and his. My opinion: GET LAID!!! Just remember to keep it simple, stupid. It’s about sex. Only about sex. About nothing more than sex.

Bed Buddy The difference between a Booty Call and a Bed Buddy is the nature of your relationship outside of the bedroom. This one is probably the most difficult to maintain. It involves combining a sexual relationship AND some sort of public interaction. You may be friends, coworkers, classmates but one thing you are not is a couple. You don’t go on dates and your social interaction is limited to group events. Bed Buddies should also be kept a secret which means whatever your relationship looked like publicly before y’all started boning should be what it continues to look like. While Bed Buddies are more likely to turn into something more than Booty Calls are, don’t expect it and don’t pretend you can handle him going on actual dates with women he is actually interested in. If you want more, your best bet is to a) tell him as soon as you “catch feelings”, b) don’t be upset if he doesn’t feel the same way about you and c) STOP SLEEPING WITH HIM!!!! Remember that you’re the one who has changed the rules so you can’t beat yourself (or him) up over the fact that he may not want to play the same game that you want to play. If he does want to play, then your Bed Buddy may turn into your….

Boo Ah…the Boo. This is the step right before Boyfriend (and I am NOT saying that every Boo will eventually become your Boyfriend). He is your go-to guy for social events, you have met his friends and family, you’re allowed to touch both the remote AND the radio in his car. He’s ok with PDA and you are widely recognized as the woman he’s seeing. So you’re his girlfriend, right? WRONG!!! Exclusivity and monogamy are the two things standing in the way and until you’ve had the “I’m not seeing anyone else but you” talk: HE IS NOT YOUR MAN!!!! That needs to be repeated: HE IS NOT YOUR MAN!!!! Everything that quacks is not a duck, it could be a chicken who was raised by a duck. Don’t assume that he is your Boyfriend because he does boyfriend-stuff. You’ll find yourself spending two years with a man who ends up marrying that girl he met at the barber shop. It’s very difficult for some women to NOT be exclusive with a man, but if he hasn’t made any commitments to you, don’t feel obligated to make any to him. Boos are great to have, but don’t turn down a date with the cutie at the gym because you think your Boo might get mad. Who cares if he gets mad?!?! He ain’t yo man!! Keep him on his toes, because if he thinks you’re not going anywhere, he’s not going to do much to keep you around. My advice with a Boo is to make sure you’re at the same priority level that he places you. If he makes plans on Saturday nights, then keep yourself occupied as well. You don’t have to actually go out or even lie to him about going out, but don’t sit around waiting on him. Commitment should be a mutual decision and if you’re waiting on him to be ready, chances are he’s not only NOT ready, but you just may not be the one he wants to commit to. He shouldn’t settle for you and you sure as hell shouldn’t settle for being settled on. It is possible, however, to turn a Boo into a….

Boyfriend You’ve made it!! You’ve met a guy, you’ve fallen in love, he’s not trying to screw your friends, he’s NOT dating other people. He’s YOUR Boyfriend! Now how on earth do you keep him? Same way that you got him, perhaps. I’ve already explained how visual and sexual men are so don’t think you can wear stilettos and give him head while driving on Lake Shore Drive while you’re dating then switch to flip flops and hand jobs while watching Real Housewives of **insert major city** once he’s become your Boyfriend. It also doesn’t mean he can stop doing the fun exciting things that won YOUR heart either. Expecting things to be exactly the same as they were when you were dating is foolish, life doesn’t work that way. Your connection is deeper than the shallow nature of dating, so act accordingly. Discuss your needs and make sure you’re discussing needs and not wants based on other people’s relationships. Most importantly, don’t turn a Boyfriend into a Husband. Those men are two totally different people. His parents are not your in-laws (notice the use of the word “law” which applies to the legal nature of an actual marriage). Mingling money is tricky (have you seen Judge Mathis?) and so is cohabitation and parenting if you choose to have a child(ren) out of wedlock. For some, this is the final stage of a relationship and marriage is not necessary. My only advice is that if marriage is what you want, you probably shouldn’t act like his wife until you actually are, which leads to the…

Husband You’ve stood before God and your friends and family and vowed to spend the rest of your life with him. Marriage is hard. Very hard. You’ve made the decision to not only spend, but blend your life with someone else’s and that’s exactly what you’re doing: BLENDING! It’s not about you, singular; it’s about you, plural. A marriage can ONLY be successful when BOTH husband and wife understand that although they are still individuals, they have committed to become one. Anyone who knows me, or has read my blog, knows that the end of my marriage was beyond my control, but I was always fully committed to my husband until it was impossible to do so. The Husband is the only person on this earth (besides your children) who deserves 100% of you and he should be giving you the same. When that number decreases (or is perceived to decrease) many people want to get out. Some cheat, some become distant, others head straight to an attorney. What is so special about marriage is that the only people who can solve the problems in a marriage is a Husband and Wife. Seeking outside advice should be mutual, because remember, you’re now acting as ONE. Many women forget this and try to repair the relationship alone, which may be okay with a Boyfriend, Boo or Bed Buddy but NEVER with a Husband. Husbands are hard work, so before you ask for one, be prepared to have one.

Relationships are not one size fits all, so please don’t use what I say as Mapquest. I’ve had a Booty Call, a Husband and everything in between. I’ve learned valuable lessons from every experience I’ve had and I figure it would be selfish of me not to share what I’ve discovered. Hopefully, if you were confused about where you stood with HIM, you’re clear now. Good luck!

People Don’t Make Love No More, All They Do is F*#@!

Did that fool Trey Songz really make a song saying he invented sex and then follow it up with a song about neighbors knowing his name?  He’s not the only R & B singer that has fallen into the trap of singing about fucking.  It seems like every artist being played on the radio can only talk about getting some, what they do while they’re getting some, and what they’re gonna being until the next time they get some.  I’m of the opinion (and if you know me, then you know I think my opinion is fact) that real music about sex doesn’t ever have to mention the word “sex”.  In fact, I think the best music to fornicate, adulterate, or do it to purposely exclude “sex”. Here is a list of five sexy songs where the sexual inneundos are sweet and subtle.  **Disclaimer:  I’m only including five because I don’t feel like extensively searching lyrics to back up my claim.  If you want to add or dispute, write your own list!

Summer Rain ~ Carl Thomas, Emotional

Sexy lyric – In the middle of the night when I’m alone

                      I feel her kisses on me even when she’s gone

                     Can’t wait til she gets home

Instead of saying, “I’m so horny cuz she not here,”  Carl expresses his desire to see his boo again by describing her kisses…not where she kisses, but that she kisses.  Use your imagination…

Take Off the Blues ~ The Foreign Exchange, Leave It All Behind

Sexy Lyric – And when the sun goes down

                       You’re feeling things you’ve never felt before

                       Nothing left to say to ease your fears

                       But I know just what to do

                       Let me take good care of you

Everyone has their first time with someone at some point in a sexual relationship and no matter how “experienced” you are, anxiety strikes when you really care about this person.  What better way to smooth away the nerves than hearing that your body is in good hands?  I vote “Yea” on being taken care of.

Down Here in Hell (With You)

Sexy Lyric – See, I wanna make you feel the fire

                       Wanna burn you with my bad days

                       Ooh, I wanna be unsatisfied

                       So you can feel the heat coming from me, baby

Anyone who has been in love before knows that there is nothing perfect about it.  The only thing for certain is nothing – you WILL disagree about something and what better way to make up than to make love.  Van Hunt has crafted a beautiful song about the ups and downs of love, and make up sex is best had to a song that describes exactly how you feel…I’d rather be miserable and in love with you than anywhere else.

Submerge:Till We Become the Sun ~ Maxwell, Embrya

Sexy Lyric – Let your atmosphere surround me

Maxwell makes some of the sexiest music ever written and plenty of his music could have earned a spot on my list, however, some include the word sex and had to be excluded (e.g. Sexiest song of all time: Til the Cops Come Knockin’).  The lyrics of “Submerge” are fairly simple…Til we become the sun…but I could listen to the instrumental and get a little moist just thinking about.  It’s a very fluid track, and fluids make me think of moisture and Maxwell and well….you know how it goes.  Anywho, I can think of nothing BUT sex when I hear this song and Maxwell never even utters the word…let me take a little break…WOOOOSSSAAAHHHH!!!!!!

And finally….

Nothing Even Matters ~ Lauryn Hill featuring D’Angelo, The Miseducation of Lauryn Hil

Sexy Lyric THE WHOLE SONG!

Lauryn describes love in a way that even the simplest fool could understand…man or woman.  But the sexiest part of the song is when she and D’Angelo repeat over and over, “Nothing but you…”  What a perfect way to describe a romantic moment than by only wanting it with the one you’re with.  I’m not sure if any man can make me feel that good if Toyota were to repossess my Camry but I could imagine it must be pretty damn good.

I’m pretty sure I’ve left off a million songs that could be included, but like I said…these are MY favorite five.  If you feel inclined to add to the list, go for it, but just know I WILL check to see if “sex” is in the lyrics.  

Make love, not babies.

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