New Math

From the dawn of time, women have been pretending not to like sex…inexplicably, but whatever. Out of our feigned disdain for intercourse arose our need to keep the number of sexual partners a closely guarded secret. We divide, dissect, and dismantle every sexual encounter until we’re left with a number suitable to share if we’re ever questioned by someone to whom we’d rather not reveal the actual count. There are all sorts of formulas and variables, derivatives and exceptions but we need to come up with something consistent, let’s call it New Math.

The first thing one must do is calculate their Actual Number and compare it to the Allowed Number. Your Allowed Number is calculated as such:

(C – V)/2=Allowed Number, where C = Current Age and V= Age One First Lost One’s Virginity

For example, a 34 year old woman who lost her virginity at 16 would have an Allowed Number of 9 partners. Once you’ve determined your Allowed Number, now it’s time to itemize deductions. You’re allowed to itemize one partner from each category. Any more than that would be dishonest.

A) One Night Stand – You’re allowed one. That is all. If the majority of your partners are one night stands, you should probably revisit your standards and stop drunkenly picking up strangers.

B) One Minute Man – Similar to the one night stand, you can only deduct him if he CONSISTENTLY lasted one minute. Don’t try to sneak in a man you’d been screwing for months because the first time was less than memorable. He gets three times to prove himself. Best two out of three.

C) Is it in Yet? – I’m sorry, but if you don’t feel anything, it doesn’t count.

D) Oh Yeah! – I always forget this one guy every time I try to get an accurate count, even if it’s a recount 30 seconds after the first count. Obviously, things just weren’t that memorable and I’m trying to subconsciously erase him from my memory…well a little bit more than subconsciously…

The same 34 year old woman with an Allowed Number of 9 could potentially rid herself of 4 partners leaving a nice round figure of 5. Being able to deduct insignificant men is a necessary evil. Men don’t mind counting their mistakes, women would rather pretend they never existed. With New Math, you can!

Thank GOD none of my exes read my blog…I’d hate to have to explain to them which one they are…or if they still count


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