No Shit, Sherlock!

I hurt my back in a tragic go-cart accident and after days of lying prone in excruciating pain, I finally begged my best friend to take me to the emergency room. The ER doctor ordered a million x-rays of my back, but prior to being radiated to death, the hospital had to ensure they weren’t going to microwave an unborn child. Instead of taking my word for it…I told them I wasn’t knocked up…they made me pee in a cup. I think it’s because I’m black. I managed to get most of my hot urine into the Dixie sized receptacle with only a few drops splashed onto my hand…I can’t say the same for the outside of the cup…and put the lid on without spilling what used to be this morning’s cranberry juice. I left my sample on the counter near the sink and directed my nurse to the bathroom when she walked in the room (yes, I got a real, private room with a private bathroom and not a curtained off section…private insurance kicks ass) and asked “Where’s the cup?” I gave her a disgusted look and pointed to the container. She left and a short time later came back with an announcement: “Well, you’re not pregnant!”

It took everything in my power to not say no shit, Sherlock. At damn near 32 years old, I know how to prevent pregnancy. I’ve been pregnant once. I have one child. I’ve had sex more than one time. WAY more than one time and yet, I’ve managed to not have my carnal desires result in an unplanned, unwanted pregnancy. As a matter of fact, most of the women I acquaint myself with have also managed to make it through life without an oops and my friends like the penis just as much as I do. I totally understand why the hospital needed to make sure I wasn’t with child before they even let go upstairs to radiology, but I got to thinking: Do grown ass women really have Oops Babies? Are condoms really out here in these streets breaking all willy nilly? Do birth control pills, if taken properly, really malfunction? Are men really pulling off women’s Ortho Evra patches? Are women REALLY that shocked when that minus becomes a plus?

I remember sex ed. I remember how babies are made. I remember that pulling out doesn’t always work. I can’t possibly be the only person that remembers this. Anytime a penis enters a vagina, there is a possibility of fertilization, so why on earth are people still pretending to be all surprised? Yes I know abstinence is the only 100% method of birth control but how the hell do some people have five broken condom kids? You believe the “he keeps busting out of the Magnums” bullshit if you want to. It’s a myth just like those twins he made with the busted condom, Orangello and Lemonjello.

I like sex. A lot. I don’t get it that often but when I do get it, the lucky gentleman can rest assured that he won’t be getting the “I’m late” phone call six weeks later. I’m not about to be someone’s semen dump. That shit stinks and it causes all kinds of complications like messiness, disease, and babies and I want none of the above. There is nothing sexy about being a grown ass woman having a unplanned baby…and then pretending like you have no clue how it happened. Every smart phone on this earth has a period calendar app so spend the $4.99 and figure out when you’re fertile. I’m sure someone is going to swear up and down that they’re that 0.01% that proper usage of birth control failed, but I’m apt to believe that they’re the failure, not Ortho Tri-Cyclen (No bitch, you can’t take three pills in one day to make up for leaving your pack at home while you were “vacationing” at All-Star Weekend.) No one over 21 has an excuse…your excuses are lies, bullshit, and 18 years raising an Ooops Baby.

That is all.

That is all.

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