Don’t let the tawdry name fool you, a Hoe Bag is just as essential during the summer as sandals and sunglasses. Keeping a Hoe Bag doesn’t make you a hoe, it just means you know what you want out of life. With that said, there are some rules to follow very closely or else, we might think you’re a hoe.
1. Contents – A Hoe Bag should contain some essential items:
•Clothes suitable for work, church, school, etc. Nothing says I spent the night out than club stilettos at work or a tube top in church. You may not have time to make it home so don’t risk it. A sundress that requires minimal ironing, panties, bra and sandals are sufficient.
• Toiletries: toothbrush, toothpaste, lotion, facial stuff, MAKEUP, shower gel and puff and A PONYTAIL HOLDER!!! Bad hair is a dead giveaway that you never made it home. Don’t count on wrapping, rewetting, slicking down your hair before you go to, um…bed… It’s just not the same with a scarf on your head and that cute bob just isn’t the same the morning after either. Save yourself the embarrassment of bed head by planning for a ponytail. If your hair isn’t ponytail eligible, plan for your bad hair day routine and throw that equipment in a bag.
•Condoms – You’re not a hoe, you’re prepared.
2. Usage – A Hoe Bag should be used in case of emergencies only!!! If you don’t plan on going home that night, pack an overnight bag. Your Hoe Bag should contain travel-sized items that are never used until you need them. It defeats the purpose if you use your bag often (more than once or twice a month). The items should be replaced seasonally, not weekly. If you find yourself refilling your small bottles once a week, then you might be a hoe, or at the very least, someone who needs to plan their nights out a little more maturely. Your girls are going to get tired of you crashing on their couch and your boy just might need to clear out a drawer for you if you’re using your bag on a regular basis.
3. Location: Where do you keep this Hoe Bag? Trunk of your car! In case of extreme emergency (you need to take a cab, his car, etc.) keep the toiletry bag in your purse. If you don’t own a car, your purse must be able to accommodate the items mentioned in #1. A cute summer tote may be just what you need and Marshall’s is just the place for you.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with having a Hoe Bag, I have one. It shows preparedness and maturity. The walk of shame is embarrassing enough; who wants to look like they’ve spent the night out tricking off or sleeping off one too many blueberry cosmos? We are way too old to go home in 4 inch heels and basketball shorts so take 20 minutes and pack a Hoe Bag. You’ll thank me later.