Hoe Bag

I use this cute little tote as my Hoe Bag

Summer is finally here and clothing, shoes, and going home at night are optional. It’s not a big deal to go out on an 80 degree evening to drink with the homies and get chocolate, caramel AND vanilla wasted. (Thanks Tati!) Tuesdays are a great day to hang out on someone’s rooftop deck til the break of dawn. Saturdays can lead to a sultry night with your new summer boo at his place. There’s nothing wrong with having to crash at someone’s house because you’re either stumbling from the wine or shaky from postcoital shivers. What is wrong is not having a Hoe Bag.

Don’t let the tawdry name fool you, a Hoe Bag is just as essential during the summer as sandals and sunglasses. Keeping a Hoe Bag doesn’t make you a hoe, it just means you know what you want out of life. With that said, there are some rules to follow very closely or else, we might think you’re a hoe.

1. Contents – A Hoe Bag should contain some essential items:

•Clothes suitable for work, church, school, etc. Nothing says I spent the night out than club stilettos at work or a tube top in church. You may not have time to make it home so don’t risk it. A sundress that requires minimal ironing, panties, bra and sandals are sufficient.

• Toiletries: toothbrush, toothpaste, lotion, facial stuff, MAKEUP, shower gel and puff and A PONYTAIL HOLDER!!! Bad hair is a dead giveaway that you never made it home. Don’t count on wrapping, rewetting, slicking down your hair before you go to, um…bed… It’s just not the same with a scarf on your head and that cute bob just isn’t the same the morning after either. Save yourself the embarrassment of bed head by planning for a ponytail. If your hair isn’t ponytail eligible, plan for your bad hair day routine and throw that equipment in a bag.

•Condoms – You’re not a hoe, you’re prepared.

2. Usage – A Hoe Bag should be used in case of emergencies only!!! If you don’t plan on going home that night, pack an overnight bag. Your Hoe Bag should contain travel-sized items that are never used until you need them. It defeats the purpose if you use your bag often (more than once or twice a month). The items should be replaced seasonally, not weekly. If you find yourself refilling your small bottles once a week, then you might be a hoe, or at the very least, someone who needs to plan their nights out a little more maturely. Your girls are going to get tired of you crashing on their couch and your boy just might need to clear out a drawer for you if you’re using your bag on a regular basis.

3. Location: Where do you keep this Hoe Bag? Trunk of your car! In case of extreme emergency (you need to take a cab, his car, etc.) keep the toiletry bag in your purse. If you don’t own a car, your purse must be able to accommodate the items mentioned in #1. A cute summer tote may be just what you need and Marshall’s is just the place for you.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with having a Hoe Bag, I have one. It shows preparedness and maturity. The walk of shame is embarrassing enough; who wants to look like they’ve spent the night out tricking off or sleeping off one too many blueberry cosmos? We are way too old to go home in 4 inch heels and basketball shorts so take 20 minutes and pack a Hoe Bag. You’ll thank me later.

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