Dear Mr. White Man

Dear White Man,

A few weeks ago, I joined match.com to broaden my dating horizons (*Read: actually get out of the house and go on actual dates) and according to the emails I’ve received from other users, I’m attractive to not just black men, but Others as well. Men whose profiles indicate they are only interested in dating Caucasian, Asian, Hispanic/Latina, and Native American women wink at me (the facebook equivalent of a poke and the Brett Favre equivalent of a dick pic) and send me emails as though they don’t notice I don’t fit their ethnicity requirements. I don’t mind, really, because like I’ve said countless times before, I’m a what’s on the inside that counts provided the outside is attractive kinda girl. I’m a sucker for a pretty face, and I’m really not ashamed to say that I don’t care about the hue of said face. What I do care about are the silly questions, asinine statements, and ridiculous notions some of you Others seem to have about dating “sistas” (about that…don’t call me a sista…EVER). I’m in the habit of helping out the clueless, it’s the teacher in me, and since I still have some residual educator ways left, I’m here to assist, whether you want it or not.

You don’t need to reference my blackness or your whiteness all the time. Please feel free to NOT point out our differences in music, culture, hair, skin color, slang and dancing ability because rest assured, you’re probably going to offend me in the process. Yes, I wrap my hair at night and will be pissed if it gets wet in the rain. No, I’ve never seen Good Hair and I really don’t care about your opinions on weaves and relaxers. Please don’t jokingly use words like “axe” for “ask” and “finna” for “about to” because although you may be kidding, in reality, you’re insulting me. I speak proper English, just like you. My friends speak proper English, just like yours. When I do speak familiarly with someone, it’s because I’m familiar with said someone. You just met me. We’re not familiar yet. But guess what? I never say axe because I’m literate and I know what sounds letters make when they’re put together. See how riled up I’ve gotten? How about this? Pretend you’re “colorblind” and speak to me the same way you would speak to a non-Black woman. It will work out in your favor.

I blame Barack Obama and MTV Jams for you believing you have to prove to me how down for the cause you are. Barack Obama is the President of the United States so if you want kudos for letting me know you voted for him, you’re not getting them. At least 51% of Americans voted for him and because I’m too lazy to look up the actual percentage *insert racial stereotype here*, you’re just gonna have to believe me. As far as music is concerned, axing me if I’ve heard that new Jay-Z or making a bling or swag comment will cause me to go into obligatory black girl eye roll. Pop culture is just that, popular. It’s not just a black thang anymore and steering our conversations to the urban side of it is condescending as hell. I happen to like white people pop culture, as well as black people pop culture. I voted for Rahm Emmanuel. You don’t hear me bringing that up, do you? (Did you know that our mayor is Jewish?) I’m much more than my black skin and my experiences, hobbies, and interests include more than those things you saw on Black in America. I’m not impressed that you know who Lil Wayne and Beyonce are, as well.

The last thing I need you to understand is that I’m not the Official Authority on Black People Stuff. I don’t have the definitive answer to all things Negro. Don’t ask me why do all Black people do random things like put apostrophes in our kid’s names or buy big rims for our cars. Hell I don’t know! My name literally means “white wave” making it more white than Amy and Becky and my Camry has hubcaps that are pretty unshiny. I spent my first two years of college speaking on behalf of all black people and that was more than enough. I just don’t know what we think about Herman Cain, but the next time we have the Black Folks meeting, I’ll make sure I get our official position.

Interracial dating is difficult, especially for Black women with all of the negative stereotypes we have to overcome before we’re even recognized as not being the caricatures we’re portrayed as by the media. I’ve given Others a chance, hell I married one (and ended up with the most non-Asian stereotype of a mother-un-law one could ever hope to imagine). If you’re serious about dating me, or any other black woman, the first thing you need to understand is that you’re dating an individual so shed the imagery you got from that Tyler Perry show you caught a glimpse of before the Bulls game came on. Black women aren’t one size fits all. If we believed everything we got from TV and the movies, we’d never give you a chance in the first place…is it true that all white men have small, pink penises? See how that goes?

Sincerely (and I’m being so sincere),

Not your Soul Sista

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WTF is a Slim Thug anyway?

Black women are pissed again. First Don Imus called us “nappy headed hoes”, then John Maker admitted he wouldn’t dip his white penis in Keyshia Cole’s black vagina even to repopulate the earth after nuclear holocaust. Now Slim Thug, Grammy…MTV…Source… (Wait, is he an award-winning rapper? No?! Oh, ok let me start over). Now Slim Thug, random media thirsty rapper, has exposed his ignorant racial stereotypes about us and we’re ready to boycott his music. (Pause…again. I think we might have already been doing that). I’m of the opinion that Slim Thug’s antiquated bias against is own is based on three things: his mother didn’t hug him enough, he was ugly in high school (Pause times three…he’s STILL ugly?! Oh!) and most importantly: HE’S A FUCKING IDIOT!!! I don’t want to focus on the random stupidity of one ignoramus. Instead, I have three pieces of advice for Black women.

1. STOP MEANMUGGING INTERRACIAL COUPLES!!! I visited a friend in Minneapolis and I swear to God EVERY other Black man was with a woman who wasn’t Black. Didn’t bother me one single bit because the not Black men were AT me when we went to the club. What did bother me was a group of Black women who (while in a pretty classy sushi spot) trashed EVERY. SINGLE. WOMAN who walked by. Those broads looked at me, noticed my fly Chicago style and ill ass Westside glare, and kept their mouths shut. Then I noticed that the women they were insulting very loudly were all very fair-skinned and were probably biracial. At first I was disgusted, then I felt sorry for them. Based on what I saw, they didn’t stand a chance of dating a Black man. The women with Black men were with Black and GORGEOUS, or not Black…and well, just not Black. I won’t go into the whos, whats and whys, but with all that said, I imagined dating for Black women in Minneapolis might be very difficult.

We need to stop giving Black men with not Black women the side eye. What does it accomplish? They now know how you feel about it and as soon as they get home they’re gonna break up immediately. Sounds dumb, right? No amount of discourse with your girls at the beauty shop or evil glances you give the offending couple is going to change the dating habits of a Black man who has opted to date a non-Black woman. He may be “experimenting”, date non-Blacks exclusively, or randomly fell for a woman who isn’t Black. Stop living up to the Angry Black Woman stereotype by being an angry Black woman. We don’t roll our eyes when we see Black men with hoodrats, whores, and women in cheap shoes so kill the evil stares.

2. EXPAND YOUR HORIZONS Black women may be the only group that, as a whole, only date men of their own racial/ethnic background. As a matter of fact, we’re so stuck on Black men, we routinely opt for losers who’ll never amount to much just because they are the same race. It’s the same as buying rotten fruit at the grocery store because that’s all they have left. More than likely, you’ll go to another store. Instead of complaining (on national television nonetheless) about the absence of good Black men, try dating a good non-Black man. We’ve come to believe the negative stereotypes about ourselves and think only Black men like our luscious lips, voluptuous behinds, and brown skin. We’ve accepted the untruths that we’re angry, our hair is nappy, and we’re welfare queens. If we stop listening to idiots like Slim Thug and Don Imus, we would realize that many non-Black men are willing to venture outside their race to date us. My mother-in-law is Vietnamese and father-in-law is white and their son thought I was the most beautiful woman he had ever met in his life. We shared common interests, goals, and values. One of the few and least important things we didn’t share was racial and ethnic background. The reason it didn’t work had nothing to do with race

I’m not saying to totally discount Black men; if I were, I’d be just as bad as those who subscribe to the false belief that there are no good Black men left. What I am saying is that we are limiting ourselves when we choose not to date anything but. Join Match.com or eHarmony if you’re not sure where to go. Hang out with your coworkers. Join a social group. ANYTHING!!! Stop accepting bullshit because you want little black babies. Choose a partner because of what you have in common, but let race be the least important because it really is.

And last but not least:

3. STOP BEING UNREALISTIC!!! We often want our mate to be perfect when we are nowhere close. He has to look like Michael Ealy, drive a Bentley, make six-figures, attended a top-tier law school, have a body like a god, have a big dick and on and on and ON!! Really?!?! I’m not saying lower your standards (see #2) but understand that the perfect man doesn’t exist. You’re not going to meet Prince Charming at First Friday. As a matter of fact, you’re NEVER going to meet Prince Charming. What IS going to happen is that you’re going to meet a man that may be perfect for you, but because he pulled up in a ten year old Toyota, you discount him as a potential suitor. Good things may come in very oddly wrapped packages and if you’re too busy looking at his resume instead of listening during the interview, you might miss out on a man that is absolutely perfect for you.

There are always going to be negative stereotypes about Black women. Not living up to them is the first way to combat them. Next step: IGNORE THE DUMBASSES WHO HAVE THEM! If Slim Thug had said he only dates White women, I probably wouldn’t have paid much attention. But when he felt the need to disrespect Black women, he relegated himself to a group of people I have deemed unfit for human interaction. We spend far too much time concerned about who other people are dating. Date people who make you feel good, but don’t ignore the untapped world of Black women dating non-Black men. You might end up with a husband and a couple of little biracial babies.

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