No Shit, Sherlock!

I hurt my back in a tragic go-cart accident and after days of lying prone in excruciating pain, I finally begged my best friend to take me to the emergency room. The ER doctor ordered a million x-rays of my back, but prior to being radiated to death, the hospital had to ensure they weren’t going to microwave an unborn child. Instead of taking my word for it…I told them I wasn’t knocked up…they made me pee in a cup. I think it’s because I’m black. I managed to get most of my hot urine into the Dixie sized receptacle with only a few drops splashed onto my hand…I can’t say the same for the outside of the cup…and put the lid on without spilling what used to be this morning’s cranberry juice. I left my sample on the counter near the sink and directed my nurse to the bathroom when she walked in the room (yes, I got a real, private room with a private bathroom and not a curtained off section…private insurance kicks ass) and asked “Where’s the cup?” I gave her a disgusted look and pointed to the container. She left and a short time later came back with an announcement: “Well, you’re not pregnant!”

It took everything in my power to not say no shit, Sherlock. At damn near 32 years old, I know how to prevent pregnancy. I’ve been pregnant once. I have one child. I’ve had sex more than one time. WAY more than one time and yet, I’ve managed to not have my carnal desires result in an unplanned, unwanted pregnancy. As a matter of fact, most of the women I acquaint myself with have also managed to make it through life without an oops and my friends like the penis just as much as I do. I totally understand why the hospital needed to make sure I wasn’t with child before they even let go upstairs to radiology, but I got to thinking: Do grown ass women really have Oops Babies? Are condoms really out here in these streets breaking all willy nilly? Do birth control pills, if taken properly, really malfunction? Are men really pulling off women’s Ortho Evra patches? Are women REALLY that shocked when that minus becomes a plus?

I remember sex ed. I remember how babies are made. I remember that pulling out doesn’t always work. I can’t possibly be the only person that remembers this. Anytime a penis enters a vagina, there is a possibility of fertilization, so why on earth are people still pretending to be all surprised? Yes I know abstinence is the only 100% method of birth control but how the hell do some people have five broken condom kids? You believe the “he keeps busting out of the Magnums” bullshit if you want to. It’s a myth just like those twins he made with the busted condom, Orangello and Lemonjello.

I like sex. A lot. I don’t get it that often but when I do get it, the lucky gentleman can rest assured that he won’t be getting the “I’m late” phone call six weeks later. I’m not about to be someone’s semen dump. That shit stinks and it causes all kinds of complications like messiness, disease, and babies and I want none of the above. There is nothing sexy about being a grown ass woman having a unplanned baby…and then pretending like you have no clue how it happened. Every smart phone on this earth has a period calendar app so spend the $4.99 and figure out when you’re fertile. I’m sure someone is going to swear up and down that they’re that 0.01% that proper usage of birth control failed, but I’m apt to believe that they’re the failure, not Ortho Tri-Cyclen (No bitch, you can’t take three pills in one day to make up for leaving your pack at home while you were “vacationing” at All-Star Weekend.) No one over 21 has an excuse…your excuses are lies, bullshit, and 18 years raising an Ooops Baby.

That is all.

That is all.

Dating (Is) For Dummies

I don’t like dating. Actually, I despise it with every fiber of my being. The entire process completely turns me off: meeting someone, talking or texting, setting up a date that doesn’t conflict with either of our busy schedules, meeting, realizing he isn’t as cute as he was the night I met him, being bored out of my mind because he’s boring as shit, and finally the awkward goodbye. Dating is the pits, but I’ve learned the ropes and picked up a few dos and don’ts along the way.

Turn your ringer off I went out with a man who spent the entire ride to the restaurant on the phone. The call kept dropping so every 6 minutes, his loud ass annoying ringtone chimed alerting him to pick up the phone so his sister could finish telling him what happened to her and their cousin in Miami. He asked me if I minded before he started talking to her and I even talked to her, too (we go way back) but that phone rang ALL NIGHT LONG!!! Text messages, phone calls, emails, etc. Instead of putting the phone on vibrate, this fool let the sucker ring. He never answered after we got to the restaurant, but that didn’t stop whoever was trying to reach him from trying. Finally, I had to say “Pretty Boy who’s only getting a second chance because you’re so pretty, your ever-chiming phone is annoying. Put that shit on vibrate!” He obliged, but not before he firmly cemented himself in No More Dates For You Land, pretty face and all.

Anticipate Sex Oh don’t give me that “I don’t do blah blah blah on the first date.” Shit happens!! As a rule, I don’t either, but I also don’t ever say never. So what do you do when things are going fabulously, you go back to your place for a cup of coffee, the kissing turns to that thing that happens after kissing and SHIT!!! Your crotch, underarms, and legs look like Cousin Itt, you don’t have a single condom, and there are clothes ALL OVER YOUR BEDROOM FLOOR!!! Your three month rule is going to remain intact because you forgot to grab a few items from Walgreens. Oh quit fronting like you don’t like sex! That good girl, I don’t usually do this crap is played out. Men also need to get over the “if she slept with me on the first night then who else has she slept with on the first night” foolishness, too. Chances are, it doesn’t happen very often for either of you but when people place stipulations on nature and not prepare for sex, they end up risking their lives and livelihoods having unprotected sex. I’m not advocating having sex on the first, second, or ANY date. What I am saying is be prepared for it.

Stay Sober This goes for everyone, men AND women. Who the hell blames it on the alcohol anymore? Inebriation puts you in a state of vulnerability and unless you’re extremely comfortable with your companion, sobriety is your best bet. Drunkenness will have you saying and doing things you wouldn’t do sober. Yeah, I get that drunk actions are sober thoughts, but inhibitions are what separate us from people who appear on reality shows. Once your inhibitions have been totally eradicated by those shots of Patron, the evening becomes an episode of Blind Date without those funny popups. Not everyone manifests intoxication in the same manner (I’m a get naked, get in bed and go to sleep drunk), so while you might be an amorous drunk, your date may be a belligerent drunk who gets really pissed off when you decide you love everyone at the bar. My advice: save the shots for a night out with your friends and alternate every drink with a glass of water when you’re on a date.

I’m sure there are plenty of things I’ve missed: make sure you have a sitter, wear deodorant, dress appropriately (stilettos at the movies just don’t work and neither does a white tee at…well, everywhere) but from a person who hates to date, these work well for me. Dating comes with all kinds of unspoken rules and as a professional non-dater, I listen to my friends complain about their crappy dates and giggle a little inside. If they knew like I knew how much dating sucks, they wouldn’t be having all these issues.

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