Mr. Nice Guy From Hell

I have a new blog. It should be fun. I might ask you to contribute!!!

Hope you enjoy!!!

Losing the Draws

For some strange reason, men have come to believe that they enjoy sex more than women do. They’ve led themselves to think that we do it just to please them. Men, you’re wrong…a comedian whose identity escapes me once urged men to massage the inside of their ear with their finger and let him know which feels better: the ear or the finger. We wanna do it! We really, really do!! Women (without issues)* enjoy the act of sexual intercourse, when done properly, just as much as men do. As a matter of fact, well before we even have our first conversation with you, a woman may have already determined whether she’s gonna give it up or not. Some men get the go ahead upon first glance. Others need a little more time. Far too many men have fucked it all up by simply opening their mouths. Others do dumb shit they refuse to believe is dumb. I’ve decided to help everyone out, to keep you silly boys from losing the draws.

1. Shut the fuck up!!!
Here’s a list of things to avoid saying:

  • Sorry it took me so long. I had bubble guts.
  • Why don’t I take you to a hotel to wait for me while I go work out?
  • I’ll eat your pussy better than anyone ever has.
  • I’m surprised you even own a shovel.**

Ask yourself, “Would I want a man saying this to my mother.”

2. If you run into someone you know, pretend your date exists. You don’t need to add a title in the introduction, it’s obvious you’re on a date. “*Other person* this is *potential poonany*” is sufficient.

3. Be a damn man. Everyone wants an independent woman, but dammit if you ask ME out, be prepared to pay. Also, hold open the door, walk on the street side, and help me put on my coat. Chivalry is dead because trifling mofos killed it.

4. Valet the damn car. If there isn’t a parking spot within one block, the weather is extreme (hot, cold, rain) or your date has on 4″ heels, VALET THE DAMN CAR!

5. If she wants to come upstairs, she’ll come upstairs. If she wants to invite you up, she’ll invite you up.

6. No means NO! Self-explanatory. Even if you believe she’s a tease, why become a felon over it?

7. Boy Scout. Always be prepared. You ain’t gettin’ none without a condom. And if you DO get some, be prepared to get something else. *she’s a HOE*

8. Are you really leaving a $5 tip on a $150 check? No, it’s NOT enough.

9. Keep your hands off body parts considered sexual unless invited to do otherwise. Nothing says never gonna get it, like a stray, unsolicited hand on my booty.

10. Sex isn’t an obligatory part of a date. Don’t treat it as such. No matter how nice you were, how much you spent, or much you thought she was into you, she doesn’t OWE you anything. Copping a ‘tude like a lil bitch will ensure that you never ever EVER get any. EVER.

Now that you know the rules, follow them and you just might get lucky.

*By issues, I do NOT mean those who choose to be celibate…so don’t get your granny panties in a bunch.

**Yes, all of these things have been said to me. All of these things were said to me this year.

That is all.

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