Beat it, Deadbeat

My child has a deadbeat dad. It’s not because I don’t like him, he’s an actual genuine deadbeat with all the trademark deadbeat markings. I thought it was just my ex-husband, but apparently, they all do the same things letting the world know how ain’t shit they truly are. At first glance, they seem to care about their kids a great deal til you realize it was all a front, and he’s a loser, just like the rest of them. If you’re not sure what you’re dealing with, I’ve identified the top characteristics of a deadbeat dad. (Appearing on Maury didn’t make the list.)

Portrait tattoos of their offspring 97.3% of all men with their kid’s photo tatted somewhere on their body haven’t paid a dime in child support in five years. The other 2.7% have never paid child support ever.

Refer to their child as their “seed” They do this mostly because they don’t remember the poor child’s name.

Holiday Heroes Deadbeats love to show up on Easter, Christmas, graduations, birthdays, and Halloween, any day a camera might be out so they can sneak into a picture. That way, when the poor, confused child looks back, they see pictures of their father at important events. How much you wanna bet that fool don’t show up at the important event of paying for groceries?

Save texts messages These idiots will hold on to a text message of you cussing them out for being ain’t shit as “evidence” of them trying and you being difficult.

Ask for full custody 57% of men claiming they want full custody of their kid do so after they get a new girlfriend to help them take care of said kid. 38% of them plan on leaving the kid at their mother’s house 89% of the time. 98% of them don’t know what full custody actually means.

Quote Jeffrey Levin statistics Get your father’s rights ass all the way out of here. The statistics are startling and like any other statistic, used to prove the point of the statistic espouser. What?!?! A child is 50% more likely to be a drug addict without a father?!?! #minus well let her drug addict father have full custody.

Babysit their kids Real fathers never babysit their own kids nor do they refer to it as such.

Never have their kid I was “seeing” a guy who said I never had time for him because I never had a sitter. I wondered why he always had time for me because he had a kid, too.

Never has a kind word about their child’s mother At one point, he loved her enough to insert his unsheathed penis into her vagina. I seriously question a man who forgets that once upon a time, he used to love H.E.R. If he never did, then I question his judgment.

Deadbeats can be easy to miss if you don’t recognize the signs. They like to blend in amongst the real fathers doing shit like showing you pictures of their ten year old’s kindergarten graduation picture or proudly explaining that their kid is named after their grandma, God bless her soul. Luckily, I have a trained eye and can spot those fuckers a mile away.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Cris
    Apr 03, 2012 @ 15:03:29

    SMH REAL HARD at the “Quote Jeffrey Levin statistics”…………..girl why my EX baby daddy (yes ex because thank God my husband has officially adopted my son and changed his name) but girl whyyyyyyyyyy did this dude call me after being MIA for 9 years talking about if he can’t see “his” son he would call his lawyer……….I was like really? Who is your lawyer? Dude says Larry R. Rabovsky…….

    O_O I was like you mean Barry Rabovsky? The personal injury lawyer??? Dude get a job and stop watching commercials………the right Lawyer to lie about would have been Jeffrey Levin JERK!!!!

    Reply

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