Getting to Know Me

Last weekend, I spent 48 glorious hours with two of the most wonderful women one could have the privilege of knowing. We shopped, laughed, ate, fussed and did all of the things friends should do when spending precious
moments together. I did a little bit more, though. I learned a few things about myself that I never knew.

I’m slow My friend said, “If someone asked me what I did this weekend, I’m gonna say, ‘Waited on Jennifer.'” I was seconds off being offended til I realized she was right. The reason I give myself two hours to get ready is because it takes me two hours to get ready. I fuss at poor Cinda all the time about being slow when I move at a snail’s pace my damn self. I pace back and forth forgetting what I went into a room to do, getting distracted by a piece of glitter. I’m slow as shit. I never noticed because I hate making people wait on me, so I give myself plenty of time…unless they’re already with me. It takes a lot for me to get ready to do anything which leads me to the next thing I learned…

I’m VERY high maintenance Shower, exfoliate, shave, moisturize, brush teeth, floss, gargle, wash face, moisturize, makeup, hair, iron, dress, change clothes, choose shoes, change again. I do this EVERY DAY!! No wonder I’m so slow. I have a lot to do. And this is when I’m going to work. Add a few steps when I’m going out. I never realized how much work goes into leaving the house looking presentable, but when Kamilah whipped out her no wrinkle spray and tossed her skirt in the dryer as I ironed my dress, it hit me: I’m one of those girls. I also realized I’m one I those girls…

Who needs to work on her Ew!! face Let me preface this by saying a) I was on my fourth Jack and Coke and b) Said Jack and Cokes were scrong. Biz Markie was playing terrible club music, but that damn Love on Top made me wanna dance so I danced. A 5’3″ 250lb man walked up on me and grabbed me and started to dance. According to my friends, I “recoiled in horror” and ran away. They insist that I did it in his face, I’m sure I looked away. Either way, alcohol diminishes my ability to control my looks of disgust. Now that I’m aware of this issue, I will work to maintain a straight face when faced with the gruesomeness of an obese midget grabbing my waist. FYI: My terrified face didn’t bother him. He came back to try to dance with me moments later.

I learned a lot last weekend. I learned that wearing a sparkly tee-shirt can give someone the power to give someone else an erection. I learned that ninjas should never sneak up on unsuspecting individuals. I learned that a $20 tip keeps your bottomless mimosas even more bottomless. I learned that if you don’t shed a tear when you’re laughing, you haven’t laughed hard enough. I learned that my friends are, without a doubt, better than yours.

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