Profiling

It’s 2012. I decided to give dating a try. I think I might have made a mistake. I don’t leave the house often enough to meet men in normal social settings outside of the innanets so I let one of my twitter boos hustle me into joining a free dating site I’d never heard of. I dropped the “cindasmommy” moniker and went with a screen name befitting my surly demeanor, wrote a ridiculous and shallow “About Me”, posted a headshot only, and went live. Two weeks and messages from over 200 different men…and one woman later, I’m beginning to think that the only people who use this particular dating site are desperate…including me…and for good reason: they’re miserable, incompetent wretches. Before I read the messages from these men – and that woman – I scour their profiles and nine times out of ten, I come up with serious flaws, shit that can’t be corrected this late in life. Thirty-something is long past the age of fixability. Today’s public service announcement is to help the clueless make it to a first date…because out of over 200 messages, only ONE made it to the first date and not an inch past…because being almost an hour late is fucking unacceptable.

Rule #1 – Know the difference between an adjective and a noun

If I haven’t said it before, I’ll say it now: I HATE WHEN MEN CALL WOMEN FEMALES!!!!! “…kudos for you being a female with class, it’s rare. Unfortunately females have failed to see the bigger picture…” “I have found out that Females on here are SOOO DAMN MEAN/RUDE…”*I should note that this man also is a Gemini and quoted Tony Gaskins in his profile*

Calling a woman a female may seem insignificant to some, but his insistance on using the word and the foolishness that follows is indicitive of the type of boy I’m dealing with. He’s immature, self-absorbed, and fully believes that women deserve very little respect. Am I judging him before I get to know him? Perhaps. But, I seriously have no interest in getting to know someone who is unfamiliar with parts of speech.

Rule #2 – Spellcheck!!!!

Before I go off on a tangent about bad spellers, let me just say that being a teacher has totally skewed my perception of reasonable spelling errors. I know for a fact that the many people who can’t spell don’t read. Familiarity with words in print makes it easier to spell them correctly when writing. With that being said, spellcheck has made spelling correctly something even morons can do, yet people STAY ignoring that squiggly red line underneath their words. You are NOT more intelligent than your computer or your smartphone! “I would like to go to a art muzeum” *I’m gonna get to that wrong ass article in a moment, so just focus on that z for me.* When in the FUCK has museum ever been spelled with a z?!? I know that s and z are very close to each other on the keyboard and that it does sound like a z when you pronounce the word, but seriously? What in all fucks?!

Rule #3 – If your command of the English language isn’t that great, keep your messages short and sweet

“Hello. I like follow up you about the e mail I send. I would like to get to know more. Beside what on my profile I caring, free open mind person. If take time to chat with you see and know more and me.

I tall man looking for nice open mind woman who like travel alittle. Willing to hope her man at night.

Your ads open my eyes to what guys said they want in women. I want to get to you first so I send this email.

To start off you make ask me your 21 questions. You my begin.”

That is not a joke. I thought it was until I saw the subject included part of my bullshit ass screenname. A part that makes sense to stand alone. I won’t even complain about people saying use and bless when they really mean used and blessed or the neverending struggle with their/they’re/there, your/you’re and too/two/to. How can I be mad at that when folks ain’t even using verbs in these streets?

Rule # 4 – The prayer hands are NOT what’s up

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I don’t know what’s going on with these dudes and their hands. It’s not even isolated. Two separate dudes posted two separate pictures with their hands in some kindergarten ass pose. I’m so done. So done.

Rule #5 – Post at least one picture that hasn’t been taken in a mirror with a cell phone

Do you have any friends? Do you go anywhere at all where someone has taken a picture of you? Do you have any friends? I question a man who can only produce mirror pics of their semi nude torso in their dirty ass bedroom with clothes all over the floor. *Note: There are clothes all over my bedroom floor at this very moment. I’m doing laundry, not taking sexy pics in the mirror* Speaking of self pics, I don’t wanna see pictures of your waves or good hair so cut that shit out, too.

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Yeah, that shit happened.

The rest of the rules seem pretty obvious to me:

If you’re gay, don’t try to prove your heterosexuality with me. My gay friends have an ill ass gaydar.

Post recent pictures.

There’s a difference between athletic build and county swole.

If you say you don’t use drugs, then don’t post a picture of a lit blunt.

“Let me get your number” is not how you ask, idiot.

If u write lik dis OR LIKE THIS Or Like This, no one will take you seriously.

Hey sexy isn’t appropriate. Neither is hi cutie, wassup baby or my all time favorite, “can I lick your juicy wet pussy? I bet it tastes real sweet.” It’s really sweet, fucktard. You’re trying to modify an adjective so that means you need an adverb.

Don’t be a stalker.

Don’t ask for more pictures.

Wait…there are way too many rules to this shit. I think I’ll try my luck meeting guys at the club the old-fashioned way.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Trackback: Profiling | Mr. Nice Guy From Hell

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