Closed Mouths

I’ve missed out on a lot of things in my life. I look back and blame my foolish pride, my fear of the unknown, and my inability to analyze a situation and make a proper assessment of said situation. More than once upon a time, I’ve thought to myself, “I should probably say something,” get really close to saying something, and say absolutely nothing. I envy people who are capable of saying exactly what the want with no fear of the repercussions. I’m not talking about the flippant, shallow retorts and one-liners I’m all too good at. I mean actually saying “I want…” and meaning it and stopping at nothing until I get it. My whatevers belie my true feelings, because I’m just not good at feelings. Feelings are for suckers, but got dammit, I have them. No matter how hard I try to repress them, they emerge at the worst possible times. I do dumb shit like profess my love to everyone but the person I’m in love with. (I’ve ended more than one sentence with a preposition…I’m too tired to be grammatically correct) I stayed in a career I hated for far too long because I was too proud to admit that I made a poor choice and teaching just wasn’t for me. I had ugly ass hair for prom because I was too much of a punk to tell the stylist how much I hated it. Friendships have lasted too long. “Boyfriends” have never made actual commitments. I’m a bitch and not in the spiteful woman way I want to be. I’m learning, though. I’ve ended poisonous friendships that have drained me. I’m longer a teacher. I’ve even learned to be more honest when I feel wronged, instead of letting it fester. I’ll probably never tell that guy that I love him. It’s too late. I kept my mouth closed for too long and we all know that closed mouths never get fed.

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