Shit Real Friends Say

Everyone’s posting these videos about shit people say. Shit they say to other people. Shit they say about other people. Shit they say when they don’t think people are listening. Last night, a friend randomly pulled a three-way call – you know, a conference call to you uppity folk who forgot about landlines and adolescence – and I realized I hadn’t laughed that hard in ages. I’ve had some really shitty friends say some really shitty shit, but real friends say some really awesome shit…like this:

I hate that bitch, too!!

Sometimes, the only reason you need for not liking someone is because your friend doesn’t like them. Real friends don’t require that you hate that hoe that looked at her funny. Real friends want you to hate their baby mama just as much as they do, so when they have to rant about that stankin’ hoe, you can cosign. Part of the whole real friendship thing is loyalty and when you cavort with the enemy, ain’t no telling what other shiesty shit you’ll pull. If I hate that bitch, I need you to hate that bitch, too.

You can’t go to Spain on your honeymoon, they hate black people

I’m in the midst of planning my wedding. I’m not engaged. I don’t have a boyfriend. I don’t even have any dates lined up. But dammit, on Saturday, December 13, 2014, I’m getting married and my friends acknowledge this with the gravity of one of those guards at Buckingham Palace. They don’t call me crazy (yes, they do) for sending them pictures of their bridesmaid dresses…as a matter of fact, they go to http://www.davidsbridal.com and pick their own…with a straight face because friends do shit like that. Friends immerse themselves in your harmless fantasies because fantasies are fun and they don’t make you feel psychotic for having them. As a matter of fact, real friends say shit like “I want a maxi dress and not a fat girl dress and no satin!!” and “Ooooh!! A winter wedding!!! Your colors should be midnight blue and silver!!”

You should stage a coup

Active participation in hating who you hate is a requirement in a real friendship. Plotting to take down the enemy, even in fantasyland, is something real friends do with ease. They say shit like, “Want me to google him and find out where that cheating bastard’s wife works?” or “Let’s make a fake facebook page and see if he’ll accept my friend request. Use the picture of the big tittied chick we googled” or “What’s the number to Cheaters?” Real friends will go to fake prison for internet stalking and Cold War-esque espionage all for the sake of destroying an unfaithful jerk…steer clear of the friend who actually follows through, though…she’s crazy.

You look fat in that

I don’t want my friends lying to me. If I don’t look good in something, please let me know…preferably in private or before I’ve left the house. If that isn’t gonna work, call me after we get home and say, “I’m not sure red lipstick is for you. It makes you look like you gave a clown a blow job.” If I find out you’ve been letting me look like a fool in public, I’ll be inclined to think you take joy in it and I’ll hate you. Real friends don’t want to outshine each other. The spotlight is big enough for us all to sparkle, so it makes you look a little bit (a lotta bit) like a hater if you can’t say “Pull your skirt out of your tights, idiot!”

I’m sorry

Simple words some people have the hardest time uttering. Not a backhanded ass “I’m sorry if you’re hurt by what I did.” but an “I’m sorry that what I did hurt you.” There’s a difference. A BIG difference. The former implies that the apologizee is being sensitive and that the apologizer did nothing wrong. Real friends don’t give a shit whether they think they’re wrong or not. They apologize without hesitation or explanation or excuse. Most people don’t confront their friends when they feel wronged because they don’t want to make waves, especially when the slight may seem minor, so if a friend says you’ve upset them with your words or actions, a real friend has only two words to say: I’m sorry.

Sorry I didn’t make a cool You Tube video. I hate the sound of my recorded voice…how can you people stand to listen to me constantly babble? Plus, folks need to read anyway. Also…real friends say shit like “Good blog!”

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6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. klkeninja
    Jan 12, 2012 @ 15:01:54

    Great blog! and I’m not just saying that because i’m a real friend :p

    Reply

  2. Bianca Bailey
    Jan 12, 2012 @ 16:33:31

    Girl, you know I am a fan of your blog posts. Comedy, as usual. You didn’t need a video. Your imagery was vivid enough to form your own mental picture.

    Reply

  3. Bianca
    Jan 13, 2012 @ 09:14:13

    Good Blog!

    Reply

  4. Cris
    Jan 15, 2012 @ 17:17:31

    Good Blog! LOL

    Reply

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