YOU Might Not Have Kids But They Still Exist

I’m a parent. In addition to raising a child, I also enjoy the company of people of the male persuasion as well as grabbing a few drinks with the girls from time to time. Becoming a parent doesn’t eradicate these desires and whether you’re single, married, or in a committed relationship, the need to enjoy the company of someone who is at least of voting age isn’t just for the childless. No matter what you all think, people with kids are just like you people without kids…except most of us had a priority shift shortly after the morning sickness wore off. For some strange reason, the childless tend to say or do things that are pretty freaking insensitive…I get it, we know what it’s like to be you and you have no clue what it’s like to be us. Here’s where Jay Kay helps you all out and let’s you know when you’re being a douche.

You say: Why can’t you just get another sitter?!

We hear: Why can’t you just scroll through your contacts and abandon your child with whoever answers the phone first?!

If we say childcare is an issue, childcare is an issue. Most parents are pretty cautious about who they leave their children with. (See Penn State rape scandal) Parents usually have a limited number of individuals they will entrust their precious offspring with and we feel very murderous when you suggest we go outside of that select group. If my mother suddenly cancels at the last minute, then sorry, I’m not going to be able to make it. Speaking of sitters….

You say: Let’s hang out Tuesday AND Friday AND Saturday….

We hear: Sitter for Tuesday – $30 Sitter for Friday -$40 Sitter for Saturday – $50…

Our funds are already depleted on shit like Play-Doh and braces and juice boxes. A night out involves way more money than you’re going to have to shell out for the evening. When you want us to hang out more than one night during the week, even if we are willing to leave our kid in the care of that awesome sitter we found on eBay, we have to spend money before we even leave the house! You get one night per week and during peak seasons (Christmas, birthday, anything costing me money), you might be lucky to get once a month. Speaking of money…

You say: Let’s eat at Chez Bougie Frou Frou Les Dinero

We hear: And you can order bread and tap water with lemon.

Ok, so maybe every outing can’t be at Pizza Hut but they can’t be at the most expensive new hot spot in town, either. Parents definitely need to splurge on themselves every once in a while, but if we see $$$$ on Yelp for every restaurant you recommend, we’re gonna start asking you to chip in on the college fund. It might not even be that we can’t afford $$$$ but some parents would rather spend $$$ on dinner to make sure they have enough $ for those juice boxes. Speaking of Chez Bougie Frou Frou Les Dinero…

You say: No kids allowed again…

We hear: I really don’t want you to come again…

There are places I don’t want my child to be: the bar, my bed, anywhere I might wanna drink alcohol or have sex. I gladly accept invitations where there will be no children – as a matter of fact, I LOVE THOSE INVITATIONS!!! But if your home is a childfree zone and you wanna be the official hostess of Bears, Beers, and Brunch, I might begin to believe you just don’t want me around. I totally understand that not every event is appropriate for children, but if every event you host is not for children, please don’t cop a ‘tude if I’m not able to make it. Speaking of copping a ‘tude…

You say: Do you always have to talk about your kid?

We hear: I want to talk about my drunken sexcapades and your stories of Junior’s science fair victory makes for a very creepy segue.

We have different lives now that I’m a parent and you’re trying very hard not to become one. I’ll try very hard to limit my conversations about Cinda to one Aw story per phone call, but dammit, I’m expecting to only have to hear one “…and then I woke up with my panties on the lamp and his boxers under my pillow…” story per month. The most interesting thing in a parent’s life is their child(ren) and if we have more stories about rum than report cards, you should probably call DCFS. Speaking of DCFS…

You say: Anything involving parenting advice

We hear: I just feel like hearing myself talk

Sorry, but if you’re not a parent, your advice is falling on deaf ears. Stick to your own areas of expertise.

Before anyone gets all pissy, yes, I know I chose to become a parent. I accept all the responsibilities that go along with the career. Parents aren’t asking for special treatment, we just need you childless folks to be considerate if you plan on remaining our friends. Most of us love being moms and dads and wouldn’t trade our lives for the world. Many of us have become better people, more responsible, caring, loving, and even better friends to you. Remember that time you threw up all over the bathroom? Pre-parent us would have taken pictures and posted them on facebook. Mom and Dad clean your drunk ass up and let you crash on the couch instead letting you lie in your own bile in front of the toilet. Take that into consideration the next time you make a snarky ass comment about parents being lame.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. venushousepubs
    Nov 13, 2011 @ 12:16:30

    LOVE THIS!! Now if I could just forward this post to a lot of my co-workers…parenthood is definitely one of those things you don’t know until you know and it’s ok if you decided it wasn’t for you now or forever but it’s my greatest gig so…watch yourself.

    Superb (and hilarious) post!

    Reply

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