TFZ

“I want more.” Simple to say when asking for mashed potatoes. Not so easy when letting a friend know that friendship just ain’t enough. I’m not good at honesty. I laugh and bullshit my way out of emotional situations – “whatever” is my special little place of false indifference. There comes a time in every “platonic” friendship when someone needs to just man up and say it. I’m not gonna do it, but somebody should…and if you don’t, you’re going to spend perpetuity in The Friend Zone. There are other ways to end up there, some not so pretty ways. I can guaran-fucking-tee you’ll find yourself holding her purse while she’s in the fitting room instead of in the fitting room holding her booty while y’all sneak a quickie. OR you can end up helping his fiancé decide on her wedding dress. Take your pick. Either way, you’re losing and yet, there’s a way to be an even bigger loser in the friend game. Do any of this shit and rest assured, you will never get anywhere.

Creepy shit is just, well, creepy. The difference between creepy and sweet is the level of attraction, and when sweet involves touching *RED FLAG* you better make damn sure there is some chemistry, like AP chemistry, not that remedial shit. Don’t lingerhug me. Don’t massage me. Don’t get drunk and try to kiss me. Just. Fucking. DON’T! For real dude. Don’t. The biggest mistake the homie wanna be lover friend can make is to do uninvited shit. It’s not sweet. It’s creepy. Wanna know how to determine whether you’re being sweet or creepy? Does she say stop? Did you stop? STOP CREEP!!!! It only MIGHT work if she was kinda feeling you. Otherwise she’ll hate you and talk about you to her friends. And your friends. And your mama.

You know that movie, Friends With Benefits? Well, those friends added benefits because they were attracted to each other and well, they’re both fucking beautiful. YOU ARE NOT MILA KUNIS. YOU ARE NOT JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE. LIFE IS NOT A MOVIE. Shit rarely happens that way, so if you think that because you and your friend started banging each other, a relationship automatically comes next, you’re sadly (and pathetically) mistaken. Jumping into bed with a friend fulfills carnal needs and that’s about it. I’m not saying something more can’t develop from the FWB scenario (see homies to housewife ) but chances are, it won’t end up like the movies because frankly, life just doesn’t imitate art in the romance department.

Getting comfortable is one thing. Losing all types of manners and decorum is another. Take your nasty ass in the bathroom to fart and use the damn air freshener. Cover your fucking mouth and say excuse me when you burp up that disgusting ass two pound burger you just ate on a dare. Being gross is inexcusable, no matter how platonic the friendship and the moment you’re viewed as repulsive is the point of no return. Lying in a pool of your own urine and vomit (or anyone else’s for that matter) because you decided to get whiteboy wasted is a deal breaker, no matter how close you got to the Brown Sugar Sanaa and Taye ending you were hoping for. I’m not saying implode in lieu of performing any bodily functions in front of your “friend,” but dammit have some damn tact.

I’m all for compatible people forming alliances…even romantic alliances…but that decision gets made mutually and not exclusively. You alone can’t decide that you get more just because you want more as you very well may in violation of some very basic shit you should never ever ever EVA do – like put your uninvited hand on my booty or lock the windows after you relieve yourself of Chipotle gas. You may have been on the fast track from friend to fiancé, at least you were until you screwed it all up with your utter disregard for the sanctity of normalcy. It’s understandable if a platonic friendship evolves into something more, but unless it’s mutual, it’s nothing more than a crush. Don’t fuck it all up (friendship AND potential relationship) by being a damn dummy.

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