99 Problems – Part 1

If you ask me how many problems I have, I’d say 99. If you follow that question with, “How many are a bitch?” I’d say, “Not a n’am one.” People mistakenly believe that because I refuse to include bitches in my list of malfunctions, I’m free from complications when that is far from the truth. My life is plagued with conundrums, day to day foibles that threaten to disrupt the delicate balance of my simple little life. I tend to brush those issues off, giving the appearance of sunshine and rainbow optimism, a facade I maintain because walking around with a chip on my shoulder can do nothing but fuck up my day. I’m in a sharing mood so over the next few days, I’m going to reveal my 99 problems in no particular order. I assure you none of these problems are a bitch.

1. My menstrual cramps are downright debilitating.

2. I ain’t got no job.

3. I hate my apartment.

4. My ex-husband is a fucking crackhead who robbed me blind.

5. My belly button doesn’t look the way it looked before I had Jacinda.

6. I love a man who doesn’t know.

7. The hail storm in June damaged my car, but it’s cosmetic so I’m not fixing them…but my baby is all jacked up.

8. My boobs are very small.

9. Weeks 4-6 before I get a fresh relaxer are THE fucking worst. My hairdo lasts 2 days during this time. Tops.

10. The flood in my apartment ruined all of my baby’s shoes. Actually, the company that cleaned up after the flood ruined all of my baby’s shoes.

11. My feet are big. Big in proportion to my itty bitty ass body.

12. I’m terrible with finances.

13. I have no clue what I want to do with my life. The shit I’m good at doesn’t make much money.

14. My baby sleeps horizontally and insists on sleeping in my bed.

15. My brother is in jail.

16. Both my parents smoke and I’m almost 100% sure neither one of their asses has life insurance.

17. I need a new mattress.

18. The shift key on my computer popped off and I lost it.

19. My car is filthy.

And last for today….

20. I’m lactose-intolerant and I love cheese and sour cream.

Stay tuned for problems 20-40.

That is all.


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Racquel
    Aug 22, 2011 @ 10:16:55

    I share problems 6, 9, 17, & 19.


  2. Katrina Moore
    Aug 22, 2011 @ 11:09:20

    I share at least 4 of these; however in response to #6 he would know if you weren’t a chickenshit. Love ya!


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