Me, Myself and I

 Some women just can’t be friends with certain types of women.  I am one of those women.  No matter how hard I try (actually, I don’t try that hard), my attempts fail.  There’s always some know-it-all who warns others about women like me, but I refuse to apologize for my inability to maintain meaningful relationships with groups of women.  Perhaps this is why my desire to pledge a sorority failed before it ever began.  I couldn’t imagine calling a group of women I didn’t like my sisters.  In college, I preferred the company of a group of girls who also didn’t fit into the sisterhood mold.  We were a group of individuals thrust together by one common fact: other women didn’t like us.  I used to give a fuck.  I don’t now, but every once in a while, I try to roll with a crew only to realize I should have kept to myself.  I don’t like girls and girls don’t like me.  We get along fine in the beginning, but at the first sign of trouble, all hell breaks loose and shit is never the same.  It doesn’t bother me, and hopefully it doesn’t bother them but in the back of my mind, I know only one of us comes out feeling like a winner. 

I was once friends with a girl.  We became acquainted while we were teenagers and became closer post high school.  During the college years, she proved to be a nut case, excluding me from activities by lying to our other friends saying she told me about what was going on and I declined, when in fact she never told me shit.  She was jealous of the individual friendships the other girls and I had and tried to sabotage them at all costs.  We eventually parted ways and I continued to be friends with the rest of our little crew of misfits.  By the end of college, she left without a single friend having destroyed every alliance made, including a confrontation in which she almost got her ass beat by a group of girls who blamed her for all kinds of shit (I was not a part of said group, I was too busy having sex and getting drunk…I mean studying).  Fast forward ten years to the era of facebook. Social networking is that butterfly that flaps it’s wings in Indiana which causes an earthquake in Indonesia.  They disrupt the delicate balance of years worth of steering clear of ratchet bitches from your past.  I decided to give this chickenhead a second chance and guess what she does?  Yep, you guessed it.  Got jealous of yet another friendship and started going nutty again.  Without sharing too many details, our refriendship ended with a series of text messages at 2:30am calling me all kinds of bitches and hoes.  If you guessed that she’s no longer friends with our once mutual friend, you guessed correctly.  Lesson:  Some women can’t handle their friends being friends with each other.  I can’t be bothered with women who are too selfish to share their friends.

My attempts at group friendships fail each and every time.  I don’t have a crew.  I used to have one. I  had to get rid of those broads.  Fat bitches.  It ain’t easy being the only size 2 in the crew.  Some handle their fatness better than others.  They didn’t.  I’m pretty sure I did something insensitive but then again, feelings don’t belong in your feet, especially if you wear a size ten and someone is always stepping on them.  But when you’re sitting at your childhood friend’s wedding and the only thing you notice is that her bridesmaids are all thin and how you don’t know any of them and where they came from, you might be a fat ass hater (emphasis on fat AND ass AND hater).  Shut the fuck up and enjoy HER day.  Who gives a shit that you’re not a part of the wedding party?  You should feel honored that you were asked to be a part of her special day and wish her well.  There were all kinds of things wrong with this crew and my inability to relate to the oversensitivity of one, the unsolicited, know-it-all assedness of another, and the sheer stupidity of the third led to my excommunication and ultimate removal from the island.  Lesson:  Make sure you invite your friends to be in your wedding party, then choose an expensive dress they can neither fit nor afford.

I was talking to a friend today about the value of friendships and some women place the same dollar amount on every single acquaintanceship.  A baseball team can only have nine players on the field at the same time and not everyone gets the same salary nor do they play the same position and they’re ok with that.  Bench warmers don’t make starting pitcher money and they don’t  get the same publicity, just like associates don’t get the same recognition as friends.  Another funny thing about a baseball team is that while although it’s a team, when you’re on offense, you’re up at the plate on your own.  I roll better that way, I can only be a team player for a short amount of time, but I’m good with three outs and getting right back to an at bat.  Women have a difficult time making the distinction and are offended when that differentiation is acknowledged.  There are only four people in my starting lineup and if you’re not one of them, you’re a bench warmer.  My allegiance is to a limited group of people and men seem to understand that better than women.  If I had two tickets to a Cubs game, my boys would want to go, but wouldn’t get mad if I didn’t ask them.  Now let me have two tickets to a Trey Songz (blech) concert, all of my associates would come out of the woodwork copping an attitude because I didn’t ask them since I know how much the LOOOVVEEE Trey Songz.  I don’t have time for people who don’t realize what their friendship is worth to me or those who pretend to value all their friendships equally.  That’s some bullshit and they know it.   Lesson: Check the salary on your friendship paychecks and make sure you’re playing the right position.  You’d hate to think you’re a catcher when you’re really a short stop.

I never proclaim to be the nicest person you’ll ever meet.  I’m self-centered, egotistical, and a bit spoiled.  I like doing shit my way, and I rarely consider other people’s feelings nor do I care if they consider mine.  I don’t owe nobody shit but my daughter and my expectations of others are pretty low as well.  It’s the way that I am and I’m not willing to sacrifice me to please others.  If you’re looking for a selfless soul, you won’t find it in me.  I give up way too much of myself as a teacher and a single-parent so all other aspects of my life are about me and me alone.  If I find there’s no benefit to me, rest assured I want no parts of it and that’s not the way most women operate.  Either they’re afraid to admit it, or they believe they should be long-suffering because of their gender.  I’ve shed that  belief and with it went my ability to forge and maintain friendships with women dissimilar to me.  I guess I’m a bit of a focused sociopath which is fine by me.  Ultimate Lesson:  The average person spends 2,396,736,000 seconds on this earth.  I’ve used up a little less than half and refuse to waste another second on valueless notions.  Look at me now….fresh..than…


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Vanda
    Sep 16, 2011 @ 14:11:43

    Hahaha, love your honesty and bluntness!!! At least you have friends, that’s the most important 😀


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