When Disaster Strikes

I hate dating. Y’all know how I feel about it. I’ve expressed my disdain for the very foundation dating is built upon numerous times. I’m more of the “falling for someone I know” type and although it hasn’t necessarily worked (yet), it’s been less of a failure than that good old-fashioned Girl meets Boy, Boy asks Girl out, Girl hates Boy because he’s a fucking dillhole style so many of you prefer. Last night further cemented my faith in the former method because the fool I went out with TOTALLY ruined it for me. It was bad enough to make me swear off dating permanently…but since I’m adventurous and what not, I’ll just analyze the red flags I should have paid attention to.

Red Flag #1 Astrological Incompatibility

I don’t fuck with Geminis. Just can’t do it. When this fool told me his birthday, I almost hung up on him. Whether you believe in astrology or not, there are some characteristics about certain signs that seem to manifest every single time, no matter what you believe. Maybe we live up to our zodiac signs, maybe our behavior is predetermined by the date of our birth. I don’t care how you make sense of it, I don’t fuck with Geminis. We’re not compatible. I won’t get into the specifics of why, just know that we aren’t. Same goes for Aquarius, Aries, Leo, Libra and Sagittarius. I make exceptions for cusp babies (18-22 of each month). Every other sign, every other sign. I’m sure tons of people will lament about my logic and share how they met the love of their life and how their signs are supposed to be incompatible and blah blah blah. Yeah, well then I’m not talking to you, now am I? All I’m saying is I should have followed my gut and The Daily Astrologer on twitter and left the bipolar Gemini right where I found him.

Red Flag #2 Tardiness

I’m impatient and I hate waiting. When someone makes me wait, it shows how little they respect my time. I have slow ass friends that I’ve come to accept lateness from. First dates, however, don’t have that luxury. If you say we should meet between 7:30 and 8pm, when I show up at your house at 7:40pm and tell you I’m downstairs, I shouldn’t have to wait a half hour in my car for you to come downstairs, even if you did get bubble guts as you were walking out the door (true story, I was utterly disgusted). Yes, I should have taken my ass home, but this sinus infection has my judgment all kinds of messed up. I’m impatient and I hate waiting. Some things are unavoidable (bad accident on the expressway), but poor timing on your part is grounds for termination for consideration as a potential second date.

Red Flag #3 Plans That Involve His Family

No, I don’t want to go to your cousin’s 40th birthday party at her house. No, I don’t want to go your brother’s ghetto wedding reception where the couple’s four children aged 4-17 were all in the wedding party. No, I do not want to go to your grandfather’s retirement party. The purpose of a first date is to get to know me, not me to know your entire family. I don’t want them all in my face asking me a million questions. I don’t want your freaky uncle telling me that he wishes he didn’t run out of Viagra last week. I don’t even know if I want to get to know you, I sure as hell don’t want to get know a group of people I may never see again in life, especially a large group of them. Family functions are not good first dates EVER!! I don’t want to meet your family until I’ve met the jewels…family jewels.

I thought my last set of red flags would have kept me on my toes, but alas, I don’t take my own advice. Hindsight is a bitch in contact lenses and I keep on forgetting to bring my solution. I’m cool on dating for a while. I need to recuperate from last night’s fiasco. Since I don’t ever name names (to protect the stupid), I’ll just say this: If you’re an Aries and a Taurus asks you out, shows up 40 minutes late and takes you to his niece’s Sweet Sixteen, know that I tried to warn you.

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