I’m Not Ready

I’m not ready for love. I keep thinking that I am, but I’m not. For all the joking about needing a boyfriend that I do, I’m absolutely terrified of the very notion of devoting my time, affection, and heart to anyone…anyone other than Jacinda, that is. For almost five years, it’s been just me and her. Her father was gone shortly after she was born, and besides a few stints of ins and outs during the first year of her life, he’s been gone ever since. How can I possibly share my love? She deserves it all. I’m not sure I can do it, but I’m not getting any younger and despite my youthful face and banging body, I can feel my ovaries rotting from the inside out. What’s a girl to do?

What I’ve been doing is dating the most unavailable men I possibly can. I’m not sure how intentional it is, but for the past five years, a man is only attractive to me when his ability…or willingness…to commit is nonexistent. I see the signs of an undateable and say to myself, “Yep!! He’s a keeper!” Yet, I know full well that I have no desire to commit to him as well. Can’t spend the night? Perfect, I don’t want you here when I wake up, anyway. Not ready to settle down? Fantastic, you were already starting to get on my nerves. Out of town for work again? Thank GOD!!! I have a date and you’ve been popping up EVERYWHERE I go. I promised myself I’d give relationships a shot and reject anyone unable to commit to one for any reason…pinky swear…

I’m not afraid of love for the reasons people who think they know everything think. My marriage failed and it was over a long time ago. While some people view failure as a reason to not try again, I base my entire life on learning from my experiences and not being afraid to live because of them. Being in love is fun, why wouldn’t I want it again? Perhaps because I know that being in love isn’t the only thing that sustains a relationship and frankly, I haven’t crossed paths with anyone that has staying power. That chemical imbalance…oh yeah, I’ve gotten goose bumps and butterflies, but after it’s all said and done, I know I need more. Actually, I know exactly what I need. That warm, gushy feeling coupled with the knowledge that he’s in it for the long haul and that he knows what it takes to make that trip.

Figuring myself out has been one of the most difficult research projects I’ve ever completed, but after 31 years, I know what makes me the person that I am and I love being me. For the first time in a long time, I’m ecstatic. I’m still broke, I have half a Masters of Education, and I hate my apartment but damn, I’m happy. I’m at a place in my life where I’m content and no matter what hardships come my way, I’m able to navigate my way through them. My life is far from perfect, but what’s so fabulous about it is that I’m ok with it’s imperfections. All I can do is try to be a better person today than I was yesterday…try. As cliche as it may be, I think it’s impossible to be happy in a relationship when you’re not a happy person. You don’t need to know exactly what you want out of life or have achieved all of your personal, career, and academic goals to be successful in a relationship. Personal happiness is a much more difficult pursuit, and I’m finally there.

I’ve been using Jacinda as an excuse for a long time and it’s been me all along. Recently, she told me I need to find a boyfriend so I can get married…again. So much for waiting until she’s ready; apparently, she’s been waiting on me to get my act together. I guess it’s not impossible to share my love. Perhaps loving a man isn’t as frightening as I think. Vulnerability isn’t a bad thing. Maybe I am ready. But I swear to teenage Jesus, if I give this love thing a shot and it doesn’t work, I’m going back to my noncommittal ways and dating celebrities ONLY!

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3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Trackback: Tweets that mention I’m Not Ready « Uncommon Sense -- Topsy.com
  2. sejal
    Nov 14, 2010 @ 19:04:07

    I was thinking these very thoughts today…that I want so much to be in love and married and yet…I kinda don’t. I feel happy, and secure, and safe — and I don’t want anyone to mess that up for me — again. I guess I am afraid 😦 What do you do? I am just taking my time…

    Reply

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