This weekend, my girl asked me a question, what do I think of a woman who claims Hennessy as her drink of choice.  Ghetto was my first thought.  Tacky was my second.  I settled on baby girl didn’t know any better.  The poor thing probably has no clue what else to order.  At a certain age, as a drinker, one must acquaint themselves with more than just the alcohol du jour promoted by the hip hop artist du jour.  Thug Passion anyone?  Olde English, Incredible Hulk, Moet, Cristal, Patron, Nuvo and Moscato (you pussies do know you’d get a lot more bang for your buck with something other than a dessert wine, right?  I digress).  I don’t expect  everyone on this earth to be a sommelier (Google it), but the basic working knowledge that red wine goes with meat and white with seafood and poultry is something one should acquire by their 25th birthday.  I’m a fan of drinking whatever I want whenever I want…beer with breakfast?  Don’t mind if I do!   But if you’re going to consume alcohol, your first order of business is to learn your liquors, because what you order says a lot about you…

Drink: Long Island Iced Tea

What it says about you: I want to get drunk and I only have $20 or I’m used to going to neighborhood lounges where the bartender has a Jheri curl and line dancing is a must.

What to order instead: Craft Beer

Beer is fairly inexpensive, between $4-7 at most establishments.  Order a draft (not MGD)  and save yourself the embarrassment of not having enough cash to get that buzz you were trying to achieve.  Unless you were born in the 50s or you’re at Brother’s Palace on Pulaski and Augusta, stay away from Long Islands.

Drink: Apple Martini

What it says about you: I want to look fancy, but I’m really not sure what other drink comes in a fancy glass.

Note: I spoke with a male friend today about this post and he wants me to add that any man drinking an apple martini is gay.  He went to Morehouse.

What to order instead: A Cosmopolitan with a flavored vodka

Oh, you cute little thing, all fancied up at the club with your stilettos and mini skirt, out for your 22nd birthday with your eight of your very closest BFFs.  The neon green drink with the maraschino cherry is NOT FANCY.  As a matter of fact, it’s totally unfancy.  Cosmos are your best bet because they’re nice and fruity, come in a fancy cocktail glass (the traingular glass with the stem is a cocktail glass, love), and you can mix it all up by ordering one with all sorts of different vodkas to liven up your drink.  Guess what?  There’s even apple vodka!!!!

Drink: Hennessy

What it says about you: I’m so hood!!!

What to order instead: A Sidecar

So you still drinking Hennessy like it’s 1998.  You’re probably blessing the bottle and pouring out a little bit for the homies that ain’t make it or is still locked up in the joint.  Maybe not, but when cognac on the rocks is your signature drink, you ooze unrefinement from every pore.  Yeah, I’m being judgemental.  It’s my blog and I can do that.  Class it up, Ma!  A Sidecar contains Cointreau, cognac, and lemon juice  and is served in a cocktail (not martini) glass so you’re not even diluting the ‘Yac with ice.  You can even brag that it was Ernest Hemingway’s cocktail of choice.  #fancy

Drink: Moscato

What it says about you: I will drink whatever the coolest rapper to tells me to drink, no matter how stupid I look drinking wine on the rocks out of a red cup.

What to order instead: Everclear and Hawaiian Punch

You obviously don’t give a shit what you pour down your throat.  If you just started drinking Moscato in 2009 because you heard Drake say it, then you don’t deserve my advice.  Find yourself a Blue Muthafucka and stop reading my blog post haste because nothing I say can help you.

There are other libations that are Oh Hell Nos…white zinfandel, amaretto sours, wine coolers, Boone’s Farm.   Maybe I’m being sadity (I love using that word and I have no clue if it’s even a real one) but once again, this is my blog and that’s what I feel like being right now.  I judge you by the beverage you drink.  I not only judge you, but I will make fun of you as well.


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Danielle
    Oct 12, 2010 @ 13:53:16

    Wow really … there’s whole lot of ridiculous judging going on here. An Apple Martini is my drink of choice because I think it’s damn tasty. If you look at me and assume I’m drinking it because “I want to look fancy, but I’m really not sure what other drink comes in a fancy glass.” then that’s what you deserve to know about me. If you’re judging me based solely on the drink I ordered then you don’t deserve to know that I’m super smart, pretty funny and an all around cool gal. I agree that drinking Moscato just cause Drake said it is dumb, but what about the people who liked Moscato before his ass came along and refuse to let him ruin it for them. You’re right it’s your blog and you can judge all you want, but lets be real about how ridiculous it is


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