Ten Commandments: The Facebook Edition

Facebook. Oh that wonderful Facebook. FB, the ‘Book, whatever you want to call it, has caused more trouble and started more shit than “whoever baddest, hit my hand.” Under the guise of “social networking,” Facebook has singlehandedly led to the breakdown of American society as we know it. It almost ruined my life until I took a step back and analyzed my deadly addiction. I decided to give it up cold turkey, then, I realized that as with most vices, moderation and regulation were key. To keep myself in check, I came up with a set of guidelines to keep my Facebooking under control.

Here you go:

1. Thou shalt not post your relationship woes as status updates Must we all know that you caught him cheating again or that she’s a bitch and so is her mother? The occasional “…is so annoyed with him/her right now” is one thing but “…really wishes this sorry sack of shit would just move out!!” is soo inappropriate. Tell your girl, not the world.

2.  Thou shalt not Facebook stalk then publicly display signs of your stalking So you were looking through statuses and pictures and came across something that made you laugh out loud.  Did you really have to write LOL on EVERY FUCKING  PICTURE IN MY PHOTO ALBUM?!?!

3.  Thou shalt not think this status is about you Vanity is a bitch and apparently your mother named you a pronoun.  He, she, her, him and you can mean ANYBODY!  Do you really think that of all the people in the world, “…wants you to act your age, not your shoe size” really means you?  Wanna know how I know you thought I meant you?  You facebook stalked and left remnants of your stalking all over my newsfeed.

4.  Thou shalt not update your status every 30 seconds with mundane drivel There is a place for rabid updaters.  It’s called twitter.  Mundane drivel includes your Farmville,  Kitchen Cleanup, and Gansta Wars scores as well as your dieting news.  Just stop it.  Please?!

5.  Thou shalt not think every one of your friends is your actual friend We use the term “friend” quite loosely these days and people assume that because they’ve become reacquainted on facebook, they’re now BFFs.  We haven’t seen each other since 2004, we’re not best friends so stop calling me!

6.  Thou shalt not make assumptions about people’s lives based on pictures Of course it looks like I party all the time if you’re looking at pictures in an album that say “So and so’s Party”.  I don’t post pictures of myself at work, washing dishes, or bathing and I do those things too.  People have sent me the dumbest questions in my inbox starting with “So I saw the picture of you and…. and I was wondering…”  Or even worse, had conversations about me based on pictures and everything they said was a damn lie.  Pictures may be worth a thousand words but 997 of them are generally going to be wrong if you don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.

7.  Thou shalt not friend everyone on earth just because you know them My ex-husband sent me a friend request and I politely declined with the following message: “I’m not sure I want you to have that much access to a life you’re not a part of.”  Simple.  It’s ok to decline a friend request.  It’s even more ok to block their access to certain aspects of your profile.  Some people I know just don’t need to know that I cuss like a sailor and pose provocatively in pictures.  The ignore button is a good thing.

8.  Thou shalt not leave inappropriate comments It might be just a joke, but since you’re not someone’s only friend in the world, leaving comments like “When you gone let me fuck, Ms. Parker?” is the most ignorant shit you could ever type.  (True story.  I deleted and unfriended the idiot).  Facebook is public, but just because you can say it doesn’t mean that you should.

9. Thou shalt not send inappropriate messages to inboxes If I posted on my wall every message sent from a married, engaged, or otherwise attached guy, there’d be a lot of breaking up going on.  Your compliments are sweet and all, but the “If I wasn’t married oh the things I’d do to you” messages disgust me and you should be disgusted as well.

10.  Thou shalt remember that Facebook is NOT real life I refuse to believe that life has gotten that to the point where social networking is all the networking we know how to do.  It must be true, because some people have the social graces of a 6 year old kid who was raised by wolves.  People tend to hide behind an LOL and LBVS and say snide shit they would never say to your face.  That LOL just saved you from a serious beatdown, but don’t keep trying that shit or else you might find yourself on the receiving end of a cyber ass whooping.


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