Dumb Shit

People do some dumb shit, myself included. When I was a teenager, my best friend and I used to get in cars with random strangers and allow them to drive us to the mall. Just this year, I let a guy who was too drunk to count the number of people at our table order shots and when he over counted, I let him convince me to take the overages with him…I ended up hitting my head on a toilet and calling my mommy and begging her to take me to the ER. I continue to do dumb shit, but fortunately, it’s different dumb shit. Some people do the same dumb shit over and over again, hoping for a different outcome. (I believe this is some psychological defect, I’ll have to check my DSM-IV). I can’t say that I’ll ever totally obliterate all the DS that I do, but I have vowed to never do the following dumb shit (again).

1. Pretend I’m something/someone I’m not for the sake of a relationship. This is far different from compromise. I’ll do stuff my best friend wants to do, like that Sex and the City outing, but I’ll be damned if I pretend I don’t love Talladega Nights so as not to appear classy. If you’re not first, you’re last.

2. Alter my appearance based on someone else’s opinion. I have small breasts. Oh flippin’ well!! I’m not getting implants for some guy because he likes tatas. If he likes them so much, then he should have never started dating me because I’m 31 and these suckers aren’t growing.

3. Have a bad time because someone I don’t like is around. Because I’m a jerk, there will always be someone who doesn’t like me…sometimes for good reason. I have no qualms about being around someone who hates me nor do I find it phony to speak to and be cordial to said individual. It’s called being a fucking grown up.

4. Have another kid before I’m married. Really? This is difficult to understand? I don’t like being a baby mama!!! Kids are cock blockers and I’ll be damned if I let some fool knock me up and I get stuck being a full-time parent to TWO cock blockers while he’s off getting as much ass as he wants. If I’m not getting laid, then he’s gonna be laying in bed with me and the cock blockers not getting laid, too.

5. “Become” gay because I hate men. Not only is this the dumbest shit ever, it’s offensive to real lesbians and bisexual women. So your baby daddy was an asshole? Yeah, most men are. GET OVER IT!!!!!! I liken situational homo/bisexuality to be as trifling as white folks speaking Ebonics only when they’re around black people. You’re not gay, you’re a poser and I hope the lesbians find you and beat your ass for perpetrating.

6. Sacrifice safety for appearance. Yes, I wear a seatbelt every time I get in my car and if you get in my car, you WILL be wearing yours. Seatbelts save lives.

7. Stand around looking dumb at the club when the DJ is slammin. Jazzy Jeff was spinning at The Shrine last week and a bunch of lame asses were just standing there. You’re a fucking loser if you don’t dance when Poison comes on. Yeah, I said it. A FUCKING LOSER!!

8. Wear sunglasses at night. I’ve done it before. I was 22. That was nine years ago. I looked stupid then. You look stupid now.

9. Mistreat my daughter’s teachers. What sense does it make to make enemies with the person who is acting in loco parentis? As a matter of fact, I’m kissing ass to make sure he or she treats my baby well. When parents piss me off, I try not to take it out on their kids, but nine times out of ten, the nut didn’t fall too far from the pine tree. When you treat your kid’s teacher like shit, chances are she returns the favor…to your kid.

10. Date a cop. They’re whores and liars and whores. And liars.

I could go on and on and on. But I won’t.

JADS (Jennifer Against Dumb Shit)


1 Comment (+add yours?)

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