Low End Theories

Opinions are like bodies: everyone has one, but not all of them should be exposed for the world to see. I’m a very opinionated person and I also look pretty damn good in a bikini and so I assume people don’t mind the exposure of either one. My experiences (and my keen ability to remember the slightest and mundane details about everything) have lead to my myriad of opinions. Some of those opinions, however, have turned into theories which one day will be proven, making my life’s work worthwhile. I won’t be just a little chick with a big mouth: I’ll be internationally known for my revolutionary work in foolishness. My theories make perfect sense and are quite logical. Act like they don’t.

Men without facial hair don’t date Black women Of course there are exceptions to every rule, but in general, whenever I encounter a man without facial hair, he’s with a not Black woman. Let me begin this by saying that as a fan of facial hair…beards are mad sexy, yo…I’m neither offended, nor do I care about a man who shaves off his facial hair. My White girls find facial hair repulsive…boo…so if a man is interested in a White woman who dislikes facial hair, it would behoove him to rid himself all traces of his soul patch (I like saying soul patch…learned if from my White girls). There are some exceptions: the mid-life crisis, the shaving mistake, or the drag queen, but for the most part, Black men who lack a goatee also lack an affinity for Black women.

Hairy Men are whores This theory has a lot of components so let me know if I lose you. Men with an extreme amount of body hair have an overwhelming amount of testosterone coursing through their veins. I consider body hair to be masculine, therefore, excessive amounts indicate the one thing men have more of than women: testosterone. It is my theory that the excessive hormones may cause male pattern baldness, a propensity to do stupid guy shit like get into bar fights, and an overactive desire to screw anything with a vagina. I’ve based this on personal experience and the behaviors of hairy bald men. As soon as someone gives me a bunch of money to properly research my supposition, I’ll gladly publish my results.

The distance between the tip of a man’s thumb and his index finger is the actual length of his penis I’ve proven this one!!! I swear I have and no one wants to believe me. Screw that shoe size crap, I knew a 14 with a 6. You can thank Leonardo da Vinci and his theories on body proportions for this one. It’s not the size of the hand or foot!!! Ask him to make an L with his fingers, you know as if to say “loser”. If it looks the L on the Hollywood sign, you’re in luck! If not, you could always go with the motion of the ocean.

Obviously, there is absolutely no scientific basis for a word I’ve just said. As a matter of fact, it may amount to the biggest amount of bullshit ever written..with the exception of that damn Steve Harvey book but since I’ve devoted my life to convincing people to listen to me, I couldn’t help but give it a try. I also have theories on when it’s okay to cheat, why the ice cream man never has any fudgesicles, and why my panties keep disappearing so if you’re interested in those tidbits, shout me a holler.


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  1. Trackback: Tweets that mention Low End Theories « Uncommon Sense -- Topsy.com

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