Kicking the Bucket

My BFF wrote a bucket list of a whole bunch of stuff she’d like to do before she drops dead. I read it, laughed because I’ve never done half the shit she’s done already, and realized I should probably get a list of a my own. Mine won’t include fancy, extravagant like fly to the moon or dive to the depths of an active volcano but these are things I’d like to do before I die of a bacon-induced heart attack.

1. Attend a Bears game at every NFL stadium. I’ve done Green Bay and Detroit and I’m headed to Minnesota this year. This WILL happen!

2. Be a Bears season-ticket holder. And not the crappy seats either.

3. Become fluent in a language other than Ebonics. Arabic, French and Spanish are my top three choices.

4. Start an event planning business. I should spread my fun having ways to the masses and take 15% of what they spend.

5. Get over my unnatural fear of large birds including parrots, geese, and pigeons.

6. Become an expert Latin ballroom dancer. 6b. Marry a sexy Latin ballroom dancer named Juan Carlos.

7. Become SCUBA certified so I can freak out when I swim into a school of fish.
7b. Overcome my fear/disdain for most live animals.

8. Finish my Masters in something. Doesn’t matter what, I just wanna graduate again.

9. Not owe anyone a dime. This means you student loans.

10. Drive on the Autobahn in a really fast car with cool ass sunglasses on and Jay-Z playing loud as hell.

11. Meet a current/former President of The United States except George W. Bush because I hear he doesn’t like black people.

12. Have a bit part on a television show or movie…reality shows don’t count. If there was a camera following me, my life WOULD be a reality show.

13. Have sex on every continent. I’ve got North America covered.
13b. Have sex in every state of the union.

14. Ride on a float in a parade. (Note: Bud Billiken doesn’t count. Westsiders don’t honor Bud Billiken or his damn parade.)

15. Catch a foul ball/home run at a Cubs game.

16. Take my grandchildren to Disney World and sleep in Cinderella’s castle.

17. Visit the ruins of an ancient civilization on every continent (and go back to the hotel to have sex).

18. Trace back my ancestry as far as I can.
19. Visit whatever country my ancestors are from.

20. Write an apology note to everyone I’ve ever hurt…then burn them because they should have gotten over it already.

I think I should be able to accomplish everything on my list. I think I’ll start with #20 right now:

Dear Crazy Person,

I’m sorry you’re so crazy. Life wouldn’t be so difficult if you had more sense. That is all.

Love Jennifer

One down, 19 to go.

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