Nobody Likes You: How You Have Managed to Inadvertently Alienate Everyone Around You

Lately I’ve been taking stock of my life, evaluating my relationships, and wondering why they aren’t as awesome as they could be. I think, “Gee, I can’t STAND being around so and so for more than 2 hours. Why is that?” My phone rings and I avoid some people’s calls like the plague. Why do I need a nap after a 30 minute conversation with my mother-in-law? After some serious consideration, it occurred to me:

I think I may hate 60% of the people I know. I just don’t LIKE these people.

And by “these people” I could quite possibly be talking about YOU.

I know you honestly think no one understands you because you’re so “different” or “special.” Pastor says people hate on you because you are “blessed and favored.” In fact, you probably think EVERYBODY likes you.  But I’m here to let you in on a little secret. Lean in real close because I’m about to say something you probably need to hear.

Nobody likes you. And it’s not them, it’s YOU.

You’re not “special.” You’re annoying.  And the worst part is…

You don’t even know it.

So now that I have let the cat out of the bag, I’d like to also let you in on a few things that may be the cause of your strained relationships and lonely nights. You can thank me later.

You got bad ass kids:

Ladies – you know I’m about to say something you don’t want to hear so if you didn’t like being told to STFU, then maybe you should stop reading. right.now… I’ll give you a second to find something else to do… Here’s a link to Bossip so you can occupy your empty mind space with meaningful shit…

There is nothing that is a bigger turn off than a woman with bad ass kids. I know being a single mom is hard, I’ve been one. I’ve also been a married one and its not any easier.  It’s hard maintaining any symbiotic relationship where you have to be ALL things – provider, nurturer, disciplinarian, drill sergeant, maid, etc and all they have to do is stay alive, so you’ve let some things slide. Thing is, you can’t. You let up on love and attention, and they become a sociopath. Let up on discipline and they become a sociopath. Let up ANY aspect of childrearing and your kid is destined to be what? A sociopath. You’re a mother. You don’t get a break. It’s the decision you chose to make when you decided to keep that $315 in exchange for your soul. But that’s not my point.

My point is – any kid who is allowed to act a damn fool without correction, under the adoring gaze of his pointless mother, will not be invited back to my home. Period.

 

Exhibit A: Your bad ass kid being escorted from my home in handcuffs

 

Your child is NOT welcome in my home if they intend to cry endlessly, whine incessantly, make a mess and refuse to clean up, or do anything I may even perceive as a threat to my kids including my very sweet and small dog. And if you, pointless mother, can’t come over without said kid, then you, pointless mother, aren’t invited either…

You talk too damn much:

Oh yeah. Bet this looks real familiar…

Ever wonder how you went from being the one always in the know to THE LAST to know? It’s because you talk too damn much.  People don’t want to tell you shit because you tell everybody else. For whatever reason you think it’s a good idea to tell everyone else’s business (maybe it’s because you have none of your own) you need to understand that a person just needs one good run-in with your big mouth before they change your name in their cell from “Shaun” to “Do Not Answer.”

And another point – Allow me to quote myself here:

“One of the most endearing traits of a dear friend of mine is his refusal to share the intimate details of his encounters with women. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH ASS YOU CAN GET IF YOU JUST STFU???  I feel like I need to say that again.

DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH ASS YOU CAN GET IF YOU JUST STFU??? “

-klkenned

You thought it would be a good idea to “mention” to a mutual friend that you smashed. NOT a good idea, especially if you’d EVER LIKE TO SMASH AGAIN. This not only makes you look like a hater, but it makes you look like you’re super excited to just be having sex. What are you, 12? Did she let you touch her boobies *giggles*? Women are just as adept at not answering your phone call as men are. STFU.

You’s a Heaux

Is the only reason you haven’t slept with your best friend’s boyfriend is because you’re not attracted to him, NOT because he’s your best friend’s boyfriend?  Ever pulled a two for one deal? You know, where you invite one “friend” over and you “hang out”  and he leaves and another “friend” calls and you “hang out” and nine months later you’re on Maury having one of those “friends” pop and lock his way through a NOT the father celebratory dance? Well I haven’t. And I don’t fuck with heauxs who have.

Now my male friends may disagree with this particular sentiment, but I have to be honest. If I think you’re a heaux, we can’t be friends.

 

Exhibit B: Heaux I can't be friends with...

 

I live in a community of bored heauxwives (heauxs who have been wifed) and it has occurred to me that The Heaux Tribe has no loyalty to anyone. They sleep with each others’ husbands then act like they didn’t. This isn’t Sula – we aren’t just gonna stop talking.  I will stomp you the fuck out, if I even THINK I see you looking heaux-eyed at my husband. I will mistakenly stomp out bitches who I thought might have been you. “But we’ve all made mistakes in the past…” say the heaux. Yes, and like felons, who spend their whole lifetimes paying for them, you will, too. *stomp stomp stomp* I know that *may* put me in the next category but I’m willing to risk losing a few friends over my marriage J

If you have to rationalize your every sexual encounter with things like, “Well, he DID buy dinner,” you’s a heaux, and Luda made a song about you, and that’s probably why I don’t like you.

You’re crazy:

You think you got blocked on twitter and unfriended on facebook because you were “keeping it real.”  No, you got blocked and unfriended because you just might be a killer kung fu wolf bitch.

 

Exhibit C: Thanks, Granddad

 

Have you ever flown into a rage at the slightest perceived provocation, hell bent on ruining everyone’s good time, then the next day, acted like the shit. never. happened?  You are crazy.  Ever met someone and, on the first encounter, start telling them about your child molestation and resulting trust issues? Crazy. Ever engaged in a relatively intellectual conversation with someone but instead of acting like you had a point or some common sense, you would rather shout profanity and call them names? Crazy.  AND immature.

You scare people. People don’t  want to talk to you or invite you to girl’s weekend away because they are afraid of you. Your volatility, your insatiable need for attention, and your sad, sad reality are the kinds of things people don’t want around when they’re trying to have fun. Really, if people walk away from your conversation, frustrated and unwilling to participate because you can’t play nice, you may need to check your level of maturity… and check into a psych ward.

I know for a fact there are people who don’t like me for whatever reason (According to my last blog, it’s because I’m “a bitch.” Who knew?). This is a fact that I am comfortable with because I know that, while they’re mad I called out their bad ass kids or blocked them on twitter, my life is going very well without them in it. So, friends, think about that the next the time you waste your energy on people you don’t really like, and think about WHY you don’t like them… then get rid of their ass.

I hope you found this little exercise of introspection to be as cathartic as I did.

Until next time,

Anonymous

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. monique
    Aug 30, 2010 @ 11:22:41

    hilar-balls!

    Reply

  2. Dee
    Aug 22, 2012 @ 00:23:31

    THis is really good. I was pondering suicide. For some reason, this makes me feel much better.

    Reply

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