That’s Tyra Banks, Fool!!

I’m in L.O.V.E. with America’s Next Top Model. I can’t help myself. Plain Jane beauties are transformed into supermodels over the course of 11-12 eliminations. Young women from small towns are given the opportunity of a lifetime to become recognized faces and household names (ok, maybe not household, but I know who they are). I watch every single ANTM season, including day long marathons of past seasons but it was not until recently that I reestablished my dislike for Tyra Banks. Watching her evil cattiness reminded me of why I couldn’t stand her in the first place. You tried to trick me by producing and hosting my favorite show, but I’ve come back to the light, Tyra! You’re back on my list with Mo’Nique and Wendy Williams. I don’t like you!!!!!!!

ANTM For the past 6 or 7 years, I dutifully tune into whatever station was airing America’s Next Top Model and watch Tyra and her team of fly boys and girls haze young women into Model Phi Model, a sorority of Glamazonian women I could NEVER be a part of (5’3″ ain’t gonna cut it). I never noticed how much of a demeaning process panel was until the season where Tyra ripped Danielle’s southern, yet intelligent, speech into shreds. It was ok for Jaslene, the Cha Cha Diva from the Chi, to have a very distinct Puerto Rican accent. It was ok for Jade to make up words. Hell, it was even ok for the white girls from the south to have an accent, but not Danielle. I cringed every time Tyra spoke to her, because I wanted to knock her ass out. I understand harsh criticism, but the hypocritical, unfair, and catty nature of Tyra’s critiques seemed to have come from a place of hatred and not desire to see the girls succeed. She called a girl a quitter for realizing she wasn’t ready for the harsh world of modeling, blasted another for using her good looks to convince a driver to get her to her go sees on time, terrorized one for being too smart and brought countless others to tears by gently insulting their personalities. Tyra hides her spite behind the guise of “Mama” when in actuality, the last thing she wants is for one of these girls to be the next Tyra Banks.

The Fresh Prince of Bel Air I can’t be the only person on this earth who is still deeply disturbed about her absolutely pathetic portrayal of Will’s ex-girlfriend Jackie from West Philly. Maybe it was all the neck popping, lip smacking, and eye-rolling. Could it have been the fact that I always expected to hear “Oh no she di’int!!!” come out of her mouth? Whatever it was, Tyra Banks’ acting skills were subpar and I find it very hard to believe that Rupaul wasn’t available to stomp around the set like a drag queen in a flannel shirt and overalls.

Bad weaves and makeup Supermodels aren’t allowed to look bad. If your weave looks like Sheila on Madison did it, you’re defeating the purpose of being rich and famous. Like it or not, models are expected to look good at all times otherwise, they’re just tall pretty chicks. Anyone can be pretty, but when your job is to look good, dammit you need to look good ALL THE TIME!!!! What burns me up is the effort that goes into the clownish make-up and baby hair. If you’re gonna spend that much time looking bad, cut a few minutes off your prep time and look less like you’re about to perform an aria in Pagliacci and more like a supermodel. The bright red cheeks, weird blond and auburn lace fronts, and spider eyelashes frighten me. Perhaps Tyra enjoys looking dragalicious, I don’t know. But how do you go from looking like a woman all the men want to looking a man who wants to look like a woman.

Don’t get me wrong, I believe Tyra has done a lot for women, especially women of color who want to enter the fashion industry. I love her ambition, her charitable spirit, and her beauty…because I DO think she is a beautiful woman. She’s accomplished a great deal in her 20+ years in the fashion and entertainment industry and I respect her work but would life be any fun if I couldn’t talk shit about celebrities?

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