Do You Want a Cookie?

If you believe the news reports, blogs, statistics, and Dateline, the black man is becoming extinct right before our very eyes. He’s headed down the same path as Dodo birds, woolly mammoths and mermaids and there’s nothing we can do to stop the annihilation of the black man. They’re all either gay, in jail, or only date white women so for a black woman who refuses to even bat an eye at the David Beckham look-alike at the end of the bar who keeps trying to her a drink, holding on to WHATEVER black man comes her way is not only a grave matter, it’s necessary in order to perpetuate the black race. Ok, I’m being facetious. I love black men. Call me Phife: I like em brown, yellow, Puerto Rican or Haitian. What I don’t like is the inane belief that I need to settle for the mediocre in order to date a black man. Mediocrity is the new black (pun intended) and we now accept the bare minimums of adulthood as the standard measure for the men we date. THE MINIMUM IS NOT ENOUGH!!!! I’m reconfiguring the line in the sand today. It’s starts now!

I have a (good) job Well ladi-flippin-da! So you want a cookie because you’re gainfully employed? Well, if you’re over the age of 21 in America YOU’RE EXPECTED TO WORK FOR A LIVING!!! I know we’re in a recession so exceptions are made for individuals who were laid off or have enrolled in an education program but the rest of y’all can bite it! Yes, I expect a man I date to have a job. It’s a minimum requirement. Say we get married and have a kid. Who’s gonna support us while I’m on maternity leave? Me? Oh, HELL no, dude! Men should be winning bread at the very least because they may impregnate a woman who is unable to work while recuperating after performing the miracle of life. No one is saying being independently wealthy is a requirement, nor am I saying a woman shouldn’t have to work (I know some people LOVE to argue things that haven’t actually been said). Having a job doesn’t win you any points, YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO HAVE A JOB!!!

I take good care of my kid(s) Uh oh, let me call Barack Obama so he can award you the Congressional Medal of Honor. So you’re telling me you brought life (lives) into this world and I’m supposed to do an Irish jig because you **gasp** support them financially, emotionally, and mentally? **swoons** You’re DEFINITELY the one for me! I’m not sure I’ve ever named the fact that I buy Jacinda shoes as one of my most endearing qualities but some men want to be lauded for having child support deducted from their paycheck and “watching” their kids every other weekend. I won’t even go into the fact that many of these proud papas were NEVER married to their child(ren)’s mother(s). I’m not judging past actions (no matter how much I disagree with them) but at the end of the day, once a child has been born, IT IS THE BARE MINIMUM that they’re supported equally by both parents! You’re not winning any points for showing me how much you pay in child support – I know a man who is an awesome father and doesn’t give his daughter’s mother a dime – YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO SUPPORT YOUR CHILD(REN)!!!

I’m good in bed So what this means is that you’ve conducted a survey of at least 100 women (the minimum sample size necessary for your results to be reliable) and at least75% rank your performance as a 7 or higher on a scale of 1 – 10? Yeah, and telling me you’re good in bed is equally laughable. Bragging about the size/girth of your penis is also amusing. Good sex only gets you so far and if that’s all you’re bringing to the table, you may as well add gigilo to your resume because that’s all you’re gonna be worth to me. I don’t mean to brag…well maybe I do…but I’m good in bed, too. I’m good at a biological function. I should go around gloating about how well I breathe or how evenly my heart beats. Ooooh, have you seen me blink?!?! I am SO good at blinking! Our bodies were created for procreation so while women say we don’t want a one-minute man, we also don’t want a man whose only accomplishment is his ability to last the ten to fifteen minutes required to achieve an orgasm. Being incapable of performing sexually is grounds for annulment of a marriage so I’m not saying it’s not important, but it’s such a basic skill, courts will say your marriage NEVER EXISTED if you can’t do it. Sex is important, but so is intimacy which doesn’t always include sex. So many women are on this celibacy kick, and if all you have to offer is how well you knock boots, you won’t be having much success with them, now will you? I’m not impressed with what other women say about you in bed, as a matter of fact, it’s a turnoff. If we ever make it to the bedroom and sex really IS your strongest attribute, you WILL be getting the boot…well maybe after I verify my decision… But back to the point, who cares if your penis works? YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE CAPABLE OF HAVING SEX!!!

The line has been drawn! Ladies, stop letting men cross them with a life skills GED. If you continue to accept the bare minimum from the men you date, you’ll always be complaining about the quality of black men. It’s not an indication of them, it’s one of you and your poor choices. There are women who have a job, screw well, and are proud of the fact that DCFS always returns their kids. Let the bare minimums stick together. Find yourself a quality man whose accomplishments include actual accomplishments.

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Pinchy
    Nov 09, 2010 @ 15:55:09

    i love this post. i share it with EVERYBODY.

    Reply

  2. St_Syn
    Nov 14, 2010 @ 07:57:23

    Girl, these heffas do not want to hear the truth! But I am going to tweet your blog anyway. Maybe some people will stop trying to appear to be the victim and let this settle in a bit. LOL

    Reply

  3. Kenya Mack
    Nov 14, 2010 @ 09:02:13

    I come by way of St_Syn. This was hilariously the truth! Great write! I laughed my ass off all the way through.

    Reply

  4. venushousepubs
    Oct 05, 2011 @ 21:29:14

    Funny as fuck. True as hell. I love this.

    Reply

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