The Undateables

I’m a very shallow woman and I have relationship ADD (actually, I have regular ADD but for all intents and purposes, let’s go ahead and add “relationship” for good measure). I meet men, get very excited about their potential as a future mate, then quickly lose focus or come up with some asinine reason to brand them as “undateable”. Maturity (and fear of growing old alone) has almost cured me of this insanity and as an almost 31 year old woman, I recognize my former behavior as irrational and somewhat destructive. Throughout this transformation, I’ve come across different types of men that are truly undateable. Ladies, we know the obvious ones: The Unemployed Baby Maker, The Thug and The One Minute Man (which are debatable, but I digress) but there are some we overlook, spend months romancing, and end up being stuck with an Undateable. These guys ooze potential, but are just as bad as The Bully or The Mama’s Boy. Don’t worry, I’ve dated them all…I just got out before it was too late.

The Never Wanna Do Nothing He is the most common of The Undateables. He’s smart, funny, has a good job, cute and the two of you have wonderful bedroom chemistry. He would be perfect except he never wants to do ANYTHING!!! In the beginning, he was down for whatever, but now, anytime you suggest doing anything outside of his place, he has an excuse: “I’m tired”, “Why don’t we stay in and watch a movie”, “Why go out for drinks when I got a fif right here”, etc. He has his set schedule of things HE does: work, basketball, softball, and football practice, his friend’s house party. The Never Wanna Do Nothing always has something to do, and none of it involves you. His reasons may vary, but one thing is very clear: YOU’RE NOT THAT IMPORTANT! He may seem like a great guy, but he’s just not that into you. Don’t let the excessive phone calls, text messages and pleadings to “stop by” fool you. You’re good in bed and great to talk to, but you’re just not what he wants. What makes this one so dangerous is that he’s not going to tell you how he feels. He’ll continue to come up with excuses to not do anything outside of his apartment with you until you realize things aren’t going anywhere. He’ll beg you to reconsider…DON’T DO IT!! Y’all still not going out for dinner and a movie when he can order a pizza and his NetFlix came in the mail today.

The Romancer You can spot this one a mile away. He’s charming, ALL the ladies love him – young and old, he’s handsome, dotes on you and seems too good to be true. Ever notice how he calls every woman he knows “honey” or “baby”? That special attention you thought was all for you is also given to your friends? Yeah, it’s because he’s a whore. Don’t get him confused with men who are genuinely sweet – these men are nice to men AND women. But if your new man offers massages to your girls, he’s not trying to get on their good side, he’s trying to bed them, as well. Men who are into you are ONLY INTO YOU! They don’t use the same tactics they use on you to get your girls to like them. The Romancer’s love for women will not allow him to love only you. You’re not enough for him, you’ll never be. The Romancer is even more dangerous than The Womanizer, because he’ll charm you into believing that that’s just the way he is and those women don’t mean anything. He’s right they don’t mean a lot to him – they mean EVERYTHING.

The Placater You’re ready to take your relationship further so you tell him. He nods and feigns agreement. The next day, he buys you flowers, takes you out to dinner, works magic in bed and you wake up ALONE! Again… How the hell did that shit happen?! You’ve just been placated. He’s not ready to be with you and probably never will be, but he isn’t ready to let you go so he does just enough to get you to stick around. This guy is the most dangerous of all three because his ability to mimic a real relationship is astounding; he’s probably already involved in one. You can go for years believing that one day, he’ll finally be ready to settle down with you and that day is always a day away. In the meantime, he buys you gifts, takes you out (and even on vacation), spends the occasional night and even brings you around his friends. Relationship, right? Wrong!! You, my dear, are the side piece. Have you ever been to his place? Met his family? Does he have to occasionally cancel plans last minute and is unreachable for a few hours? Sound familiar? The Placater does just that – placates you. You’re not going to be his girlfriend, that was never his intention. He may care about you very deeply and may very well want to be with you but he can’t and he won’t. His other obligations far outweigh anything you can possibly give him, but The Placater (although he seems generous) is a very selfish bastard and won’t end it with you. You have to realize he’s just not worth it.

Like I said, I’ve dated all of these guys and the names have been omitted to protect the not so innocent. I’ve learned from my mistakes and try to keep others from making the same ones so if you’re dating any of the above men, run. Run fast. Run very fast.


4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Carl Williams
    Jul 13, 2010 @ 23:10:25

    Wow oh wow interesting article. I must say that the woman who loves a black man has a special challenge (assuming that you are dating black men). She will have to be diligent in her efforts to understand a man who often has difficulty understanding himself. It’s not that we black men are being purposely or intentionally elusive; many of us simply don’t know how not to be that way.

    By the time we are ready to “settle down,” our decision to do so is usually accompanied by trepidation. It’s not that we don’t want to commit; many of us just don’t know how to. Yes, we know conceptually what commitment means, but its definition is not reinforced by examples that we can see and emulate in our homes, our communities, in most of our friend’s relationships, or in our churches.

    At the same time, some black women have adopted unrealistic dating standards. While it’s always a good idea to establish a criteria about what you will and will not accept in a man, relationships should be built with love as the foundation. Some black women place too much emphasis on the kind of car he drives, what kind of work he does, how much money he makes, or how well he dresses. These are strictly material items, and can be only minor indicators of who he really is as a person.


    • cindasmommy
      Jul 14, 2010 @ 11:57:29

      I place a great emphasis on a man’s career (because I place an emphasis on my own), how he dresses (because I place one on how I dress) and how much he makes (because I place an emphasis on how much I make). These aren’t material things, as they are relative to how we interact in today’s society. These things are important. They aren’t the ONLY important things…but men choose women based on looks…how important is that?


      • Carl Williams
        Jul 15, 2010 @ 08:34:16

        I say these things because in the end it all boils down to how you’re treated. I personally was a person who was caught up in material things when it came to dating women. These “dates” or flings never turned into anything real for me and left me back to the drawing board for one reason or another. I’m not saying to just throw those things out the window but don’t just throw a person under the bus because of a deficiency he may have in one of these categories.

        My wife is a teacher so she doesn’t make nearly half as much as I make but she has a sweet heart, is excellent with our children, and has my back no matter what. I turned in my quest for size 2 wannabe model type girls for a beautiful woman with qualities unlike any other, a rare breed if I may say.

        I do understand that dating and relationships can be difficult at times. People can be deceitful and sometimes come into the relationship with their own agendas. But I would challenge one to go outside of their comfort zone and date someone they would never give the time of day (so long as it isn’t the sock man on the el…. but hey they need love too!!! 😉 lol ) I ventured out of my zone and took a chance at love and came out of it with a beautiful wife married for 3 years now.

  2. Joe
    Jul 14, 2010 @ 11:35:07



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