Dumb Questions

Whoever first said there is no such thing as a dumb question was a fucking idiot. There ARE dumb questions: questions asked by dummies or questions asked by intelligent people with a temporary lapse in intelligence. I can’t say that I’ve never asked a dumb question, but I tend to not ask much for risk of sounding foolish. I use google as a tool to keep me abreast of current events or ask people who won’t judge me to explain how certain things work. My dictionary app on my blackberry defines those $100 words I use (gotta make sure I’m using them right) but there is nothing on this earth to keep the foolish from asking dumb shit. I’ve been on the receiving end of some real dumb ass questions and these are three of my favorites:

Question #1: What’s your baby mixed with?

A silver spoon, jackass!!! If you don’t know me well enough to know that my ex-husband’s mother is Vietnamese and father is white, then you probably shouldn’t be asking me about my child’s ethnic background. I get plenty of variations of this question: What’s her daddy (a man) What is she? (A girl) Yo baby daddy white? (I don’t have a baby daddy) Is your baby (or you) Puerto Rican? (Why?) Is that YOUR daughter? (No bitch, I let EVERY kid I know call me mommy) I’ve had Asian people ask me if she is Asian, probably because they recognize certain features but generally people are just being nosy. How does my baby’s ethnicity affect your day to day functions? If the only thing you have to say after I tell you her dad is Vietnamese-American and White is “Oh”, then it’s really none of your business. Ask me about the weather, but unless you’re a US Census enumerator, don’t ask me shit about my daughter.

Question #2: Are YOU the teacher?

No, bitch! I’m just standing here leading instruction because I like the way it feels to stand in a classroom at 9am.

I know I look young, but I know for damn sure I don’t look like an 8th grader and since I work in a grammar school, 8th grade is the oldest I could possibly be and NOT be a staff member of some sort. It’s rather insulting to be looked up and down by a middle aged black woman as though I’m not qualified to teach her child because A) I don’t look old enough or B) because I’m not white enough. I once had a parent tell another that “this lil young, yellow bitch ain’t gone be telling me what to do with my kid.” Really?! I know teachers are supposed to be old, white and ugly but excuse me for breaking the age, color, and aesthetic barrier in my selfish attempt to educate the future. The next time you walk into a first grade classroom and see a 5′ 3″ person reading a story, she’s probably not one of the students.

Question #3: Tell me what you like about football.

(OK, technically that’s not a question but since it required an answer, I’m gonna allow it.)

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!!??!! Are you kidding me?!?! I like the way the mens in tight pantses tackle each other ASSHOLE!!!!! Please do not question my love of the game with a pop quiz. I told a guy I was getting a #9 custom Bears jersey and he asked me why. Not because he wanted to know, but because he wanted to know if I knew why. Being tested on my knowledge of sports -football and the Bears especially – is an instant turnoff and if you thought it would keep the conversation going, watch the back of my head as I walk away. I’m pretty sure guys mean well when they ask dumb questions in attempt to maintain a conversation, but talk to me like a regular human being. I’d never tell a guy, “So tell me what you like about shoes” so PLEASE don’t treat our conversation like a final exam.

I teach children for a living and they ask me all kinds of stuff, sometimes dumb stuff. I answer them because they’re babies and if I don’t help them no one else will. I can’t help big grown dumb asses. If you’ve made it through life this far asking the dumb shit you ask, there’s no hope for you. None at all.

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