Staples

As I approach my 31st birthday, I’ve been looking back at all the things I’ve accomplished over the years. I’ve been married and divorced, I have a pretty decent career in education, and I gave birth to the most wonderful, albeit talkative, child a mother could ask for. I also look at my possessions and wonder how I could do without my car, large shoe collection, and expensive jeans that make my booty go pow pow pow. These things are obvious, though, and most successful women have a list of things they can’t live without that may differ from others. There are three things, however, that EVERY woman on this planet NEEDS to have, no ifs, ands, or buts.

SHAPEWEAR: I’m 5’3″ and 123 lbs (yeah, I’ve gained a few pounds) and as I’ve said before, I’m a wee lass. I wear a 2. I eat like a pig and barely gain weight. Before you groan and roll your eyes, hear me out. As small as I am, I have imperfections. We all do. I’ve got booty dimples and small, not so firm anymore breasts made possible by motherhood and breast-feeding. I also have satin, unlined dresses that I will never ever ever ever EVER wear without Spanx. EVER!!!!! I know I just said no one has a perfect body, therefore my flaws shouldn’t matter, right? WRONG!!! I want the focus to be on my fierce dress and not on my cellulite. Please don’t piss me off and say “It doesn’t matter to me what other people think”. Yes it does, otherwise, you wouldn’t be wearing skintight clothes. Why ruin your fabulous ensemble with unsightly back bulge or quadraboob? I know exactly ONE person who doesn’t need any type of bodywear and guess why? SHE’S A BODYBUILDER!!!! The rest of us need to head right on over to the intimate apparel section of the nearest department store and pick up some items to keep our special no no places looking special in that special dress for that special occasion.

CONTROL OF ONE’S OWN ORGASM: No matter how great he is, sex is pretty pointless if you lay there and let him do all the work. You end up unfulfilled and complaining to your girls about how he can’t make you (excuse my French) cum. Well what have you done for yourself lately? Why let what HE does dictate whether you see fireworks? I’m not saying it’s possible to turn every sexual encounter into an earth-shattering, mind-blowing romp. What I am saying is if you’ve NEVER had an orgasm, YOU might the one doing something wrong. I can guarantee no man will say he’s never had an orgasm, not a single one. Figure out what feels good to you. Practice on your own. Koegel’s are the most amazing thing ever. A few squeezes and voila! My point is you can’t let your mate determine what gets you off. Sex is a wonderful thing, and it’s even more wonderful when it ends with a bang.

AN IDENTITY: Who the hell are you? No, seriously. Who ARE you? I’m a mother, a self-proclaimed smart ass, a teacher. I love to read crime thrillers, listen to neosoul, and watch football. I’m messy, gregarious, not too great with finances (thank GOD for auto bill pay and financial planners) and I’m a tad (very) defensive and stubborn. I have poet friends with weaves, bougie friends with naturals and bougie poet friends with dreads. My IQ is 139, I’m awesome at trivia and I have road rage. I love bacon, Lauryn Hill, and the color pink. I KNOW WHO THE HELL I AM!!!! Who I am doesn’t change with who I’m with. I’m almost 31 and I used my 20s to become the woman I am today. I know a girl who changes personalities to match that of her nearest neighbor. She adapts who she is to fit whomever she’s around and for this reason, she’ll never be complete. Identities take time to develop and shouldn’t be altered for anyone but ones self. I’m not saying to be static and unyielding, but that you should know who you are and never compromise for anyone else. Your taste, opinions and views may change as you grow, but they shouldn’t change because someone else wants them to. I hate clichés but DO YOU!

The rest of the crap you think you need – a best friend, a good gynecologist, an education – is just that: crap. Friends come and go, doctors retire, and you always need more and more education to stay current. Ok fine, we need that stuff too. Along with a Hoe Bag, women should never do without Spanx, orgasms, and a sense of one’s self: The Staples.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. shesontosumthin
    Jul 01, 2010 @ 20:14:38

    PREACH!
    “What I am saying is if you’ve NEVER had an orgasm, YOU might the one doing something wrong…My point is you can’t let your mate determine what gets you off.”

    Reply

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