Why I Can’t Date You, and It’s Not Cause I’m Married

Dear Gentlemen,
Like I mentioned to the ladies, I am married. I am married to a very happy man who tells me often, “Man, I am so glad I married you.” Want to know why? Because there are many, many benefits to marriage, one of which is a nice late night sandwich (with lettuce and tomato) after sex. Want some peanut butter crackers while you work on your proposal, Hon? Coming right up! All that wonderful advice I offered to the ladies last time was just for the audition. It gets better when she gets the part.

But how do you get a woman like that? “How do I-I-I get a woman who cooks, and cleans, and lets me watch the game with my friends without trying to talk to me about what she read on Bossip today? How can I find a girl who does things that make my toes curl and does so without saying shit like “This tastes funny” *mood killer*?” Let me help you out. There are some misconceptions and preconceived notions about women – things that have even led you to believe that you, boys, are the superior sex. I will not mock you or throw stones at your ignorance, but I will let you in on a few secrets that will enable you to finally understand why all you seem to deal with are hood rats or those suffering from an acute case of Gabrielle Union Syndrome. Honestly guys, it’s time to step your dating game up. I know plenty of single women who make a lot of money and got a lot of stamps on their passports, but aren’t interested in you because you.are.wack. I know you’re all like, “I’m not looking for a serious relationship right now, anyway.” But I and the old raggedy pillow you’ve had since 7th grade sleep away camp and hold oh so closely at night in your cold, lonely bed know the truth.
If you know my work, this may look familiar…

READ – I’m not saying subscribe to Oprah magazine, or start hosting book clubs at your house (not a bad idea? WRONG – lots of educated ladies, lots of really boring conversation). I’m saying that you need to try to understand the feminine perspective. I recommend something light because I know you all have short attention spans, so start off with something man oriented, yet handy, like Esquire. In fact, if you don’t subscribe to Esquire, then you should stop reading here because you clearly can’t read.

KEEP A CLEAN HOUSE – Are you 30 years old, and still have 1 set of plaid sheets? Do you still have that raggedy ass leather sofa from undergrad with all kinds of DNA samples in the living room of your moldy smelling apartment? Do you sleep on an air mattress stacked on top of some storage containers because the bed you “ordered” is “on the way?” If the answer is yes, then you, sir, are an undateable (like an untouchable, but based on the reality of the situation instead of some mde up cultural crap) and if you meet a woman who takes note of the above, and proceeds without comment, then SURPRISE! She won’t mind that moldy cheese smell cause she’s a fucking.hood.rat. Period.

I have asked the ladies to STFU. However, gentlemen, STFU a.) goes both ways and b.) has to be earned. What I mean by “earned” is that you can’t run off and do stupid shit, and think your girl isn’t supposed to say anything about it. Don’t stroll into the house with lipstick on your collar, blood on your shirt, and one shoe on and say, “I don’t want to talk about it right now,” and wonder why she cussed your ass out. And really guys, you aren’t fooling anyone with “women gossip, men don’t.” One of the most endearing traits of a dear friend of mine is his refusal to share the intimate details of his encounters with women. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH ASS YOU CAN GET IF YOU JUST STFU??? I feel like I need to say that again.

Honestly, I just gave you the keys to the fucking city. Not only do you cut your drama quotient IN HALF but women will look at your cool dismissal of personal inquiries as you being an International Man of Mystery. AND they will do FREAKY shit to you if they are confident that all your frat brothers aren’t waiting in the living room waiting for you to come out and show them the highlights video. Which leads me to another point – a point that I don’t think I need to mention to the ladies because, as the superior sex, we know better…

WATCH THE COMPANY YOU KEEP – I know your best friend from the hood (you know, that nigga Craig who sleeps on the sofa?) has hit a rough patch, and you’re just helping him out, but its shady dudes like that you have to watch out for. Not only will his weed smelling, free loading ass hide in the closet and videotape your sexual encounters without your consent, but he will then hit on your girl while you’re in the shower. Don’t act like you don’t know people like this, and I’m telling you now, lose these people. Stat. There is nothing worse than going to a dude’s house and watching some creepy ass spook creep out of the broom closest that’s doubling as your guest bedroom, and slink into the kitchen to a.) see what you look like and b.) take note of where you left your purse so he can steal your identity. He’s not your wingman, he’s your albatross.

I said, ladies, get your head game right. I would like to say that tenfold to you clit gnawing, lip sucking coochie monsters out there. WHO told you my vagina + your teeth = a good idea? Do you WANT me to kabong you on the top of your head? Did you see that in a movie and thought it would be a good idea to suck like the antidote is in there? Cause it’s not. . .And speaking of movies, I would like to remind the fellas that porn is fake, so strolling into the bedroom with a bottle of cooking oil cause you saw that shit on Booty Talk #32 isn’t a good idea. What they didn’t show you on Booty Talk was the Monistat Alexxxis had to buy after that scene (ewwww). And NO, you can’t shoot jizz on my chin, forehead, or the back of my knee. Stop it. Really, you just need to be happy to be here, and get out of here with that weirdo porn shit. Oh and that whole, “its not the size of the boat, it’s the motion of the ocean” shit is just a little something we say to make you feel better. Sorry.

Guys, be a man. Not an asshole, a douche bag, a deadbeat, a drunk, a loser, or on that little boy shit. I don’t need to state that you should take care of your kids, be respectful, blah blah blah. However, I DO need to state that if you think making people feel less by being condescending is the best way to have fun, than your dick is smaller than you’d like to think it is. Much, much smaller. If you think fighting in the club is still cool, then you deserve to be with that ride or die hood rat chick who will fight right along beside you. You go ahead and be The Old Nigga in the Club, and I’ll be at home, criminal case free, making a sandwich for my criminal case pending-free husband.

And while I’m talkin shit, lemme just add that women aren’t the only one with daddy issues. That nigga didn’t love you either, and now you’re running around here talking about “you don’t love no heauxs.” REALLY? You and I both know that all you want is someone to love your ashy ass. Or maybe your daddy WAS around. And maybe him being around was the best example of how to treat a woman like shit. Either way, you need to get over yourself and realize that just because your daddy didn’t love you don’t mean you should NOT love anyone else.

I hope I’m not comig off too preachy, and I’m not saying, “This is how you find your wife.” These are just a few tips to keep women from posting fucked up videos about your bunk bed on YouTube (take note, Young Money). Cause, like my boy El Jugo said, “Everyone ain’t able.” I’m just saying, it’s time for you to hang up your *I Heart Bustdowns* t-shirt and get like me…

Yours in the Struggle,



3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. cindasmommy
    Jun 29, 2010 @ 12:00:15

    Brava!!! Now if only we could get them to read this….


  2. Sunshine
    Jun 29, 2010 @ 13:12:37

    This is that shit right here!!! Man, I’m about to post and respost this shit like 1,000 times!


  3. Gator
    Jun 29, 2010 @ 18:22:50

    Good shit!


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