I Judge You

“Judge not, that ye not be judged” (Matthew 7:1) is the bible verse many people use when criticizing those who judge others (which is quite hypocritical since the judger is being judged by someone who is also a judger). People often ignore Matthew 7:2 (the very next verse) For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again. Basically, I can judge whoever the hell I want, so long as what I know what the hell I’m talking about and am willing to put my money where my mouth is. I walk around judging people all day long and so does everyone else. I refuse to make fun of anyone with a junky car, small breasts, or a bratty kid because I for damn sure don’t want anyone judging me for mine. What I DO judge people on are things that aren’t that hard to do like put on a bra or take off your do-rag in public. I judge people who do dumb shit and I’m more than willing to have my dumb shit judged against the dumbest of dumb shit. Certain things are inexcusable to me and I will pass judgment on them till the day I die with no hesitation.

Relaxing or putting weave in a child’s hair One of my students has no hair on the sides. She gets a fresh relaxer every few months (more than likely done in her mother’s kitchen) and has had no hair on the sides and a fresh relaxer every few months since she was in preschool. I am allowed to judge this child’s mother because my crazy ass mother (I love you mom) gave me a damn curl when I was 8. Luckily, my hair was strong enough to handle the harsh chemicals, but no amount of laziness should force a child to have bald patches at the age of 5. Since the offending parent continues to put a relaxer in the poor baby’s hair after it has obviously caused severe (and hopefully not irreversible) damage, I can only assume that she’s a fucking idiot who is too trifling to properly care for a child’s hair and needs to have her ass beat for single-handedly ruining that little girl’s life. The same goes for little girls with a million and a half tautly pulled ponytails and weave braids.

If anyone has seen my little Blackanamese baby, you know her hair is rather, um, not ethnic. What you don’t know is that it is usually tangled and wild because she screams and cries every time I try to comb it. I laugh at her and ask her what would she do if she had hair like mine. She may not know, but I know what I WOULDN’T do: Run to the beauty supply and grab a Just For Me and ruin my child’s hair. If you relax or put weave in your 4-year-old’s hair: I JUDGE YOU!

Fat girls in little clothes Yeah, I know. I’m a wee lass but I DON’T GIVE A DAMN!!!!! I don’t walk around in clothes that are too small for me just so I can save money by shopping in the kid’s section. There is no reason why I should see the bottom of your gargantuan stomach hanging from a shirt that you bought just because it says Apple Bottoms and matches the cantaloupes on your ass calling themselves Granny Smiths. Everyone can’t wear everything!!! I am entitled to judge because I know for damn sure there was a mirror in the store where you bought that itty-bitty ass tank top that reveals every single last bump, bulge and roll. I am entitled to judge because I know for a fact Lane Bryant and that other place exist because every time I walk in there, those big heffas that work there give me the side eye like I walked into a men’s bathroom. I am entitled to judge because I gained 50 lbs when I was pregnant with my daughter and only lost 17 after having her. The other 33 stuck for a long while and instead of squeezing into clothes that were way too little, I hightailed it to Target and bought some in-between clothes until the baby weight FINALLY went away.

Everyone isn’t as blessed as I was to be able to shed the weight I gained with my child or to be able to afford to purchase new ones as my weight fluctuated, however, when you knowingly buy clothes that are too little, I have no sympathy for you. After the age of 25, your clothing size should NOT be an odd number nor should you be squeezing your ample body into the size you wore in high school when your ten-year reunion was last month. Has anyone ever heard of Spanxx?! Hell, I wear them and I’m a WEE LASS!! Before I offend anyone, I AM NOT SAYING EVERYONE SHOULD BE A SIZE 2!! What I am saying is that not everyone should try to fit in a size 2. If you have a muffin-top, your jeans are too small. If your back fat protrudes from the bottom of your shirt, your shirt is too small. If your outfit came from 5 7 9 and you’re obviously a size 22: I JUDGE YOU!!!!

Bad Grammar How come speaking proper English is considered talking white? If “talking white” means that potential employers view me as a viable candidate for a position whose duties DON’T include change oil in fryers, then Cheerio fine chap. I’ve had parents tell my students not to be talking white around them. People get on television, celebrities or witnesses who had seent what had happened, and totally obliterate the English language. I soooo judge you. I really, really do. Know that. There are Rs at the end of words. There is no C or K in strawberry, street, or shrimp. You’re not wearing pantses and I’m not light-skinded. I swear fo’ Jesus if you ask me “how ol’ is you?” I’m laughing in your face and pointing at your stupidity. To be fair, my Language Arts for Teachers professor frowned upon correcting children’s grammar. After I ripped her a new one and reported her to the Dean for such foolish advice, I realized she wasn’t the only non-Black who believed correcting the grammar of children “discouraged” them from wanting to speak in class. I make sure every one of my students know not to say fo when they really mean four. I don’t give a damn what language you speak to anyone else, but when you’re talking to me, I prefer proper English. I base your intelligence on how well you speak and it’s not my fault that you sound stupid. When you choose to speak informally with me and we’re not that familiar: I JUDGE YOU!!!!

More things I judge:
• Bad weave
• Parents that keep having kids when they can’t afford the ones they have
• Parents with dirty children
• Parents with stupid children
• Parents with bad children
• Parents who never take their children anywhere besides Chuck E. Cheese and R rated movies
• Parents who don’t pay child support or complain about having to pay child support
• Bad parents in general
• Homewrecking whores like Alicia Keys and Gabrielle Union
• Hypocrites who hate Michael Vick but not George W. Bush (apparently a human life is worth less than a dog)
• Men who oppose abortions (since when did men start having fallopian tubes in their reproductive systems?)
• Black lip liner
• Women who shave off their eye brows and draw on new ones
• Tyler Perry
• Nicki Minaj
• R. Kelly

Since I’m a very judgmental person with delusions of grandeur, I believe my opinion counts for a lot more than it really does. Since I’m stubborn, no one is going to make me change my mind. Since I’m sarcastic, understand that I’m just kidding…or am I?


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Jacquenette
    Jun 15, 2010 @ 14:34:13

    Again I totally agree! I have said the same thing that people shouldn’t say not to judge because everyone does it. We all were raised with certain morals and values so you have your own sense of what you think is right and wrong. The key is being open to different points of views, ways of doing things, etc.

    And I totally HATE the shaving off the eyebrows and drawing them on! Randomly I also am not a fan of those open toe boots. it reminds me of people that wear socks with sandals. The point of it being open is so your foot is out!


  2. how to get over your ex girlfriend
    Jun 19, 2010 @ 10:04:52

    My daughter was laughing at me when reading this line on your post “… to afford to purchase new ones as my weight fluctuated, however, when you knowingly buy clothes …” it also made me recall about the day I came across my long time friend.


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