I Hate Mo’Nique

I hate Mo’Nique. I know hate is a strong word but I’m using it because there is no other word to describe the overwhelming feeling of digust I get anytime I see her face, hear her voice or read an article about her. Yeah, I know she’s an Academy Award winning actress who has her own talk show and is paving the way for full-figured Black women across the world. I don’t give a rat’s ass. I hate her. In typical Jay Kay fashion, you know I’m gonna tell you why.

Her name: WTF is that stupid ass apostrophe all about and where in the hell is her last name? Apostrophes are used to signal a missing letter or precede an s to indicate a possesive noun. Someone PLEASE explain what the hell her apostrophe is for! Is her name really Momnique and we call her Mo’Nique for short? Some may want to argue and say that the apostrophe emphasizes the “Mo” part. Sorry fools, ignorant of the English language, LETTERS do that on their own. They don’t need gratutitous punctuation marks to help them out. And as far as a last name goes: YOU’RE AN ACADEMY AWARD WINNING ACTRESS!!!!! I feel like I’m still calling her Pookie or Nee Nee. Even Sam and Larry go by Samuel L. Jackson and Lawrence Fishburne. Ludacris is Chris Bridges on the silver screen. Why on earth are you STILL walking around screaming (and I do mean screaming) “I’m MO’NIQUE!”. Drop the apostrophe and use your last name. I’ll take you a lot more seriously.

Flavor of Love: Charm School: Ooooh….When did Mo’Nique become charming enough to teach hoodrats how to be young ladies? Was it when she devoted an entire portion of her life to complaining about how skinny bitches are evil? Oh, I know, it was when she was on The Parkers because her character was UBERCHARMING…HEY!!!!!!! Don’t give me the excuses, “those were just jokes” and “that was a character she was portraying”. Her jokes were disparaging to women so her “Sistas” and “Girlfriends” fell on deaf ears. Mo’Nique’s maternal bond with the girls seemed fake and phony since most of the girls were the skinny bitches she liked to joke about. As far as Ms. Parker goes, she was loud, obnoxious, and ignorant and she did it well. I’m not saying that is who she is, but she has NEVER given the impression that she is capable of teaching young women how to behave in public.

Hairy ass legs: I know you probably thought I was going to go with her loud ass mouth but that really doesn’t bother me: I don’t watch her show. What bothers me more than her skinny bitches are evil jokes are her hairy ass legs. Seriously dude!?!?! You’re an ACADEMY AWARD WINNING ACTRESS!!!!! Wax them hairy joints!!

“I really think hair on a woman’s legs is a black woman’s thing…”

No it’s not!!! It’s a trifling thing! Leg hair is gross. It’s a genetic leftover that evolution forgot to take care of and I know a TON of black women who think your legs are nasty, MO!!! If she can explain the purpose of leg hair, I’ll rethink my position.

Her next reason is even worse:

“I must show America what a real leg looks like . . . because it’s too much in the morning, every morning, to shave, to cut, you got Band-aids baby.”

Um, so you know there are salons that a apply a waxy substance to your legs and remove it, along with the hair, with strips of cloth, right? Those aren’t real legs, those are the legs of an arbitrary, contradictory woman who has time to get her weave styled and shave under her arms, but not those hairy ass legs. Electrolysis, maybe?

I could go on and on and on about why I detest Mo’Nique but I’m just ranting and bitching and moaning, something us skinny bitches like to do. Besides, I’m sure she’s heard it all before.