Why are YOU still single?

I’ve been asked that question a million times, with the emphasis on a different word from each person minding my business.  I finally figured out what it all means, and because I like to share, I’ll let you all in on my little secret.

WHY are you still single? – The emphasis on the why means that the nosy party really wants to know what’s wrong with me.  There are millions of eligible bachelors out there.  How on earth am I making it without a man?  Having a boyfriend is the only road to happiness and I am obviously miserable because I don’t have one.  I don’t even have a prospect and since the opposite sex is the epitome of completion, I must be an empty shell of a woman.  How could I not have, no NEED a man?  I must be crazy

Why ARE you still single? – When the asker uses this form, it really means “What the hell are you doing wrong?”  Since “are” is the verb, my ACTIONS must be the problem.  Maybe I talk too much.  Maybe I don’t clean as often as I should.  Perhaps I spend  a lot of time with my daughter.  Since those are all true, I guess I might be doing something wrong.  My other actions pale in comparison to the ones that are keeping me from not being single.

Why are YOU still single?  – This generally comes from women with low self-esteem who believe that what’s on the outside matters.  How can someone who LOOKS like they have it all be single?  If SHE can’t get a man, then there’s no hope for the ugly/overweight/acne-ridden.  Guess what ladies?  I list being attractive very low on my top-qualities and so should you.  Being pretty gets you out of moving violations; it doesn’t get you a man and you shouldn’t want it to.

Why are you STILL single? – Yes, my child is four.  No, I haven’t been in a relationship since my ex-husband left in 2006.  Yes, I know I’m 30 and I’m not getting any younger.  No, I don’t think my eggs will last forever.  Yes, I know men usually go for the newer, sleeker model.  No, I’m not worried about getting fat and ugly.

Why are you still SINGLE? – This one is my favorite.  At some point, God realized Adam was lonely, so He deformed his ribcage, mixed up a little God spit and dirt and created Eve.  Ever since then, two HAS to better than one.  NO ONE on this Earth could possibly be satisfied with their existence without the accompaniment of a significant other.  It’s impossible to enjoy a full and robust life without someone by your side and I’m breaking every rule in the book by being content with being alone.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Intaba
    May 11, 2010 @ 05:59:38

    This is dope. Love the breakdown of inflections.

    Reply

  2. YoMaMa
    Jun 16, 2010 @ 23:10:35

    Why are you still single? I know the real answer!

    Reply

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